Rebuilding

I received several emails today in response to the ending of my last blog. A few well wishes, a few requests for the new blog address and a few "let me know how you are" emails. All nice, none mean.

One really stood out to me and I have to share it:

Hello Red,

You recently posted a question wondering why we keep reading (because I know I cannot possibly be the only one) your blog when it just seems so depressing.

I had thought about that one for a while...why do I keep reading? Well for one, it's one of the most emotionally raw blogs out there. What else could be better to read? Your experiences mirror some of our own horror stories, your emotions only all too familiar. Isn't that what makes a blog popular? The ability to relate?

No, I'm not saying that I KNOW exactly everything you are going through. No, I could never know...I could never ask you "why are you still with him" because what I do know is that I would be in a constant turmoil. I HAVE been in that constant turmoil. You let us know that we are not alone in our emotions.

Maybe I keep reading hoping that it will get better. I hope that it does. Most of all, you make me think. You make me feel. How can I not love you for that? I'm always pressed for time but I make sure to keep up with you on what you let us know. You are courageous, writing your downfalls, admiting to them and getting back up to fight again. You are a heroine for those of us that feel we must hide behind perfection. You have my utmost respect for that.

I'd be honored if you let me know what your new blog address is. If not, much good luck to you.

Sincerely,
(Name Omitted)

To that person - thank you. Thank you for an email that really touched my heart. Thank you for reminding me that it's okay to be exactly who I am - flaws and all - and to not be afraid to show myself to the world even through the semi-anonymous blog world.

Thank you for reading my thoughts which range from madly in love to mad to crushed and devastated and still hoping for me. Thank you for letting me believe that sharing my blog through the web is in some way a good thing even if it only gives someone else license to be themself.

There are billions of things I am not and wish I could be. One thing I do hold onto is my belief that who I am is "good enough" - flaws and all - to never have to hide. I accept myself for all of my own shortcomings and I strive to find ways to be better, stronger, smarter, tougher...

I'm still in pain. Less pain today. I don't have much to be proud of, but I am proud that I have the ability to remain true to myself in spite of my mistakes and my faults. It's OK to make mistakes. It's OK to make poor choices. As long as I always try to be true to myself, I can never be too terribly wrong...

Last night I came to a realization. I can start over. My entire life was just wiped out and instead of standing around mourning the ruins I know I have no choice but to rebuild my life and even better - I have nothing standing in my way.

Do I want to go back to school? Write a book? Become a teacher? A doctor? Maybe I would like to open a Bed & Breakfast where I can cook, clean and care for my guests which is something I love to do. (Okay, less so on the cleaning, but I can try...). Maybe I'd like to find love again. Maybe not.

All that matters is that my slate was just wiped clean. I can rebuild my life and go in any direction I choose.

You said you hope it gets better. I answer that I know it will.

I've displayed my weaknesses openly on this blog but for all of them I am still strong. I have survived so much in the past 2 years and been victimized, destroyed, attacked and taken advantage of.

But I still go on. Sometimes slowly, sometimes dazed, sometimes unwillingly - but still I go on.

I will never have to lie to someone to make them accept me. I can be myself and always have been. In that regard, I feel pity for people like Jeff because I know he still has not accepted himself and he still feels the need to lie and manipulate to be accepted for a brief period of time...and it's always brief.

I have every reason to go on. I believe there is much ahead for me. I'm due for good things, aren't I?

But I will at least learn from the bad.

On another note, Jeff is pissed off at me. On my last blog, I had made some notes about him and his new girlfriend and they were inadvertantly published. I deleted them almost immediately, but Google still captured them and now his full name and his girlfriend's full name can be Googled to find my last blog.

I can imagine why he is upset. If she or someone she knows should google her name, she'll learn the truth about Jeff.

The very fact that he has to worry over that should be a wake-up call to him. I am sorry it happened, but I have to point out that if he embraced a policy of being honest - there would be nothing to hide or fear. He will either have to tell her the truth and see if she still likes him for it or wonder every day if today will be the day she finds it. it may have been unintentional, but it still falls into place as a consequence he has to face for his own actions.

If I wanted the new girl to know, I could have emailed her or called her. I care enough about him not to interfere that way. Still, it happened and it can not be undone and in some way I hope it does inspire him to a change in his ways.

When I was a child and teen, I was always doing bad things. I lied, I skipped school, I didn't do projects or homework. I remember that anxious feeling wondering when (not if) I would be "busted". It sucked. I might talk about someone behind their back and then worry for weeks that they'd find out.

I hated that feeling.

It took many years, but eventually I had either been busted or gotten away with everything I'd hidden and I realized I hated that feeling. I hated feeling guilty and anxious and worried.

So I stopped. I realized my actions had consequences that would likely catch up with me and I began to embrace a new policy of just being myself. I might still say something unkind about someone and it might still get back to them, but I am far more prepared to face it than to worry about it.

Tammy, my closest friend, is a prime example. I misjudged her in many ways last year and I 'fessed up to it with her. I told her I was guilty of not trusting her and I told her I was wrong to have done that.

There are still things that could turn up to haunt me, but I have nothing left to lose. If they should surface, I will face them. Meanwhile I will work to set my mistakes right again and face the world with that clean slate I mentioned earlier.

I have a new life ahead of me. That much feels good.

On a comical note, a guy IMed me today to meet me for drinks. A really cute firefighter. It was going well until he asked if we should meet near his house "just in case we had chemistry". What he's really asking is if he'll get laid on our first meeting.

I set him straight. I was unimpressed. At least meet me before you decide if you want to take it to that level. Have an attraction.

I'm not that cheap...