Another Day Closer

Last night was rough.

Taylor failed a math test and both Brad and I worked with her extensively. She's brilliant, but seems to be "blocking" simple math. She can do math, but she doesn't seem to understand how to do the project. Just before bed we were still at it and she suddenly sprung on me that she needed $5 for a Field Day t-shirt.

I was stuck. It was 9:15 pm and Jeff didn't call or come home (his dating life) and I could not leave Taylor to go get money from the ATM. I was upset because she knows to tell me these things much earlier.

I lectured her and I started to cry as I did. I tried so hard not to, but I just broke. I didn't yell, I just cried and lectured her.

I told her we needed to be a team. We only have each other right now. I told her it's my job to keep her and I safe and a roof over our heads and it's her job to keep her school work up and to tell me these things earlier. I told her she WAS going to do great in school even if I had to be on her back 24-7 because this situation we're in now was never going to happen to her.

I cried. I feel like I failed her as a mother because I put my trust in Jeff. I moved her to a beautiful home where she made many friends and now she's being uprooted to go live in one room with me far from her friends. It's not fair to her.

Whatever it takes, this will never happen to her.

She cried too. I hated Jeff a little more for that.

Speaking of Jeff...at 10:37 pm, my house phone rang and caller ID showed the # for a hospital in the area. I use the phone only for my business, so I wondered if it was a customer, but they left no voice mail.

I began to think about my recurring dreams and wonder if Jeff had been hurt. His cell phone would show this number as "Home". I tried to call it back, but it just rang for hours. I went online, I called other hospital numbers for the same location. I text messaged him several times to ask if he was ok. No answer. I called him. No answer.

I began to wonder...how did I feel? Was I afraid he was hurt or did I hope he was?

He drinks a lot more these days and frequetly drives home in that condition. I began to wonder if he'd been in an accident.

I was still not sure if I was worried or hopeful. Maybe a little of both. If he had been hurt by being stupid maybe it would be a wake-up call to him. On the other hand, say he was hurt - he has no local family...would I be the one who had to be there for him? What if he was sent home with 2 broken legs and 2 broken arms? Would I have to stay in this house and take care of him? Would I want to?

I didn't want to, but I knew I would. He's a giant ass, but I would be there if he needed me.

I also realized that it's easier when he's not here for me. Sure, I'm lonely and sad (as usual) and when I see a couple on TV snuggled up in bed I start to cry, but it's easier when he's not here.

That makes me think it will start to get easier when I leave him this weekend.

The only hard part was not knowing if he would come home at all. It would have been easier to know but Jeff has never wanted things to be easy for me. Once I am gone it should be even easier after some time.

I got an email from Yahoo Personals yesterday. I had signed up weeks ago and they periodically email you your "top matches". My #2 match...was Jeff, I kid you not. I was furious.

He's such a mess. His life bears no resemblance to the life he seemed to want many months ago. He's unfocused, he's scattered, he's living "on the edge" and it's only a matter of time before he falls.