Stepping Back (How far?)
Yesterday was mostly a good day. The night went south at the end, but I felt better.
Today I woke up feeling worse. I knew the minute I awoke that I wasn't "there". I don't know if I dreamt of him or what, but from the minute I got out of bed I felt bitter and sad and angry.
And yes, I have already cried. There goes my record.
So, in the spirit of progressing and not regressing, let's re examine for the 10 billionth time where I am at this minute.
- I accept that Jeff is a person I could not be with. I was tempted to say many other things after "Jeff is a..." - none of them ladylike, but I want to be above the name-calling. He is selfish, mentally sick, self-destructive and dishonest. I suppose I never would have been happy with him in the end.
- I accept that Jeff and I are over. Most moments I am actually glad for it. When I am sad for it, I can also accept that the things I miss, the things I loved in him were all illusion and not reality.
- I accept that I will get over this. I just wish it were faster or easier.
- My new acceptance is of signifigance. Having this much space to see Jeff for who he really is has convinced me that I do not want to be with him....ever. I no longer hope he will "wake up" or "change" because if he did I WOULD want him back - and I would much prefer he stays an ass so I can avoid that trap. Beyond the crap he pulled with me, he is basically a selfish person who never did a damned thing for me unless it was to manipulate me. I maintain that I will always love Jeff - the Jeff I thought I knew - NOT this "new" Jeff. Because there is obviously more than one Jeff in him, I will never again risk my heart to him. One part of him will always be loved by him. The other is despised. One day I hope the two mellow into ambivalence.
- I accept that perhaps I was not as happy as I have let myself believe. I knew I was taken forgranted (I tried harder) I knew he was selfish (I allowed him to be) and I complained about him endlessly to friends in confidence. Did I allow the comfort of our life together to fill the holes his love left in me? Was I so infatuated that I let myself accept less?
- I accept that I will be okay. Hopefully soon...
- I promise myself today that I will never again be or try to be in a loving relationship with Jeff.
I've spoken a lot to Brad lately. He's one of the few people I still know and can talk to. It amazes me to realize that I have come to realize that I threw away solid love for Jeff.
Yes, Brad had his online affair. In the grand scheme of things post-Jeff-anihilation was that really SO awful? We'd worked through it. We had potential. We were bad for each other in other ways - I was too controlling, he was too docile. It was only when we split that he began to get his life together. I suppose I wish I could go back and make a different choice. I wish I had kept my family together.
Okay, RED ALERT - I can already hear myself going into dangerous territory.
Brad and I are still married. He has moved on and I need to LET HIM BE. I need to NOT even remotely think of stirring anything up in him. Even if I could - it would be wrong. I am a bad joke to his family and friends. He has a sorta girlfriend in another state. I need to keep him at a distance. I am not sure if he senses it or feels it too, but there are moments I wonder if everyone is waiting to see if we try to reconnect. I am NOT open in that direction but from time to time, I wonder...and that would be wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. My reasons are all wrong. The pros are to reunite my family, have someone who truly loves me and knows HOW to love me and to not be alone. ALL WRONG REASONS. You notice I didn't say I love him. I don't know if I do love him in that way and a girl should know shouldn't she?
Brad doesn't play games. But he does call to just talk to me and we seem to wind up frequently on the subject of our past together and our marriage and how things were and how they should have been. I am not clear on which of us (both?) are steering the talks in that direction, but it needs to be watched carefully. I've already admitted to him that I feel like I made a huge mistake and should have stayed with him and he has admitted that we should have stayed together too. Neither of us is broaching the subject of a reunion and save for a short time he held my hand and let me cry on his arm during the move, we have not done more than hug...
I need to NOT glance in that direction. I can't avoid him because of Taylor...but I need to keep our relationship safely protected from a mistake.
Bloggies, come to Florida and babysit me. Do NOT let me slip and fall right now. Do NOT let me push the buttons I know I could push to put things in play. Do NOT let me off my alone track.
I need to stay single for a long while. I need to get my act together, clean up my credit, stand on my own two feet...I need to be VERY careful.
But I still wish we'd never split. We're so far gone now from what we were that we can never go back, but we could have stayed together once upon a time.
Brad says he wrote me a letter when we split telling me what he thought of Jeff. He says he still has it and that it accurately predicted almost everything that came to be.
I wonder if he had given me the letter if it would have changed anything?
I wish I had known then what I know now.
I feel so much more guarded now. My heart (what's left of it) is being so fiercely guarded that I doubt anyone will get close to it for a long while - if ever. Not Jeff. Not even Brad. Certainly not someone new.
But I can talk to Brad and that's the closest anyone has been able to get to me. The "men in my life" via the online dating disasters will all gladly tell you I tend to talk to them one day, then disappear and avoid them for many days at a time. I ignore their calls. I avoid their IMs. I agree to dates and then cancel them. I actually paid a membership fee to be this emotionally unavailable to these men...I should be punished.
Thus, Brad is the only male I let get remotely close. Still not anywhere near CLOSE, but he's at least got a small window to reach me through.
I don't think he will even try to win my heart back. I think he was too badly burned and more interesting - I think he knows me well enough (he always did) to know I am not truly ready to love anyone. I still have to love myself again first.
I'm relieved that he's not swooping in. I'm vulnerable and he could hurt me. That's exactly how Jeff got inside me, he struck where and when I was vulnerable.
Brad is better than that.
Okay...
Does it ever sound on this blog like I occasionally type to convince myself?
Still, I need to stay away from that line of thought. It could never work. His family hates me, his friends hate me, there's no one alive who would not think it was a joke...
I think perhaps I sense this vulnerability in myself and that is the reason for this post. To remind myself to keep my heart closed off entirely. Even to Brad.
And most fucking certainly to Jeff.
Um...and to every other human being. I don't know it's even a problem since I AM closed off and even I can't get that door open.
In some ways, I became more like Jeff.
3 comments:
Yes you do write to convince yourself, but in doing that you aren't unlike any other person. We have all done it. Stay the course. In time you will gain more confidence and each day will be easier.
I think sometimes you do write or perhaps say things to convince yourself. We all do. You could always go back to Brad. Even though you've been apart for over a year, you have a long history together and that counts for a lot. He may have a sorta girlfriend and his family may not like you but I don't think that either of those things would dissuade him if he wanted to reconcile with you. He fought for and lost the prize (you) last year so I'm sure that somewhere in the back of his mind he would still like to "win". I am not saying that you SHOULD get back together. Just that you shouldn't use "logistical concerns" to help because, one day, all of the reasons that you named will not seem as insurmountable as they appear now. So, you need to reason that you can't rationalize away. I think that the best reason to avoid getting to cozy with Brad right now is Taylor. She's in her third home in a year. Although the thought of the three of you back together would be wonderful, what if it failed? Then it would nothing more than a cruel joke to her and her hopes would be dashed again. I'm sure she wants things to go back to the way they were. You all do. But, unfortunately, a lot has happened since then. If it was just you then I would feel different; but given the stress it would put on your daughter if things didn't work out, I would only do it if you're absolutely sure.
I am not saying that you should stay away from Brad forever. But I do think it's important that you give things some time so that you can be sure of your motives and of you're feelings. And waiting your family back is not a bad reason. In fact it’s a very good one. I just don't think that it's enough in and of itself. But the two of you still have a daughter together. There is nothing to say that the THREE of you can't get together and have a good time over the holidays. You can still do some of your family traditions even if you go home separately when the festivities are over. I think that Taylor would like that. For a little while at least, things would be OK.
Brad probably feels bad about what has happened too. Partly because his actions are what made you vulnerable in the first place; and partly because he couldn't protect you from Jeff. Sadly, I don't think that there is anything that either of you could have done. The man that Jeff wants/pretends to be is very appealing. And, giving him the benefit of the doubt, its may not be so much of an act as it is something that he wants to believe. How can a genuine person complete against someone for whom manipulation is second nature? The best thing you can do is to be sure that you don't make the same mistake twice. And, from what I have read here, hat doesn't seem very likely.
MWB - you wrote "The man that Jeff wants/pretends to be is very appealing. And, giving him the benefit of the doubt, its may not be so much of an act as it is something that he wants to believe. How can a genuine person complete against someone for whom manipulation is second nature? The best thing you can do is to be sure that you don't make the same mistake twice. And, from what I have read here, hat doesn't seem very likely"
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And you are dead on right. As always :)
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