Light Blue

Jeff wasn't supposed to come home last night until his usual "very late" 2 am mark. He walked in at 9:15 pm so I am guessing his night didn't go well. He was cold and said he felt sick, but I wondered if he wasn't upset/angry about something.

Last night was the last night we would ever share a bed. I wondered how it might feel. As it turned out, it felt...just strange.

A few times I looked at him sleeping and tried to see the man I loved so deeply. It's curious that when I looked at him I saw no trace of that man. Usually I will look at his sleeping face and think how beautiful he is to me and this time I just thought he looked...I can't find the right word but it wasn't beautiful. He looked tired. He looked mean. He looked...like a stranger. I suppose he is.

I wondered if I would want to curl against him for a last night. Feel him against me. I didn't. I didn't feel the inclination to touch him. If anything, it was an uncomfortable night and I wished he had not come home after all.

Taylor is once again having problems in school and I am at my wits end. She keeps hiding assignments and putting them off until the 11th hour and it's been a problem for the past 2 years. Brad and I are trying to fight this, but it's really hard. When she went to bed, I cried and cried. I feel like I am failing her because I can't reach her. I cried because I really am working hard - my job is very busy right now and the move is stressful and there are family issues (next topic) and Taylor issues and I feel like I am being pulled in 400 directions with no time for myself right now. I feel like I am trying hard, but not succeeding and I am frustrated. I have to learn how to be a single mom and it's really killing me.

My mother and I are done. I am cutting her off. I am moving into my former stepfather's home tomorrow and I made it clear to my mother that she needed to talk to him and tell him she remarried a few weeks ago. She had asked Taylor and I to lie for her and keep it a secret and I told her that is not how I am raising my daughter and not how I want to live my life. She got very bitchy about it. She hides from her problems and lets them become bigger and bigger. She had promised to tell him and then she stopped answering my calls and when I spoke to him, he said he had not heard from her but he had left her messages as well. I left he a final message demanding to know the situation and she eventually left me a nasty one back saying it was handled but her tone was snippy. Screw her. We're done. I confirmed with my stepfather that she had told him and he seemed ok about it (or drunk, not sure) and when I told him I was done with her he defended her to me.

No. I am standing my ground on this.

I've lost more weight. I eat about 1 meal a day and it's usually pretty small. Last night I had sauteed spinach. I now weigh less than I have weighed in 10 years. None of my clothes fit. Dresses I had stored for many years now do fit. I'm down 2 full dress sizes. I almost wonder if I should stay another month to lose even more weight but I suspect I will continue to lose the weight either way. I am also going to start working out - there is exercise equipment at my stepdad's and I plan to use it to firm up.

Jeff and I spoke in IMs yesterday and basically said goodbye. It's over. I'm sad, but I have accepted it. I want my Jeff back and the man I see is not him.

I was asked out by a man (a cute man!) who holds a psych degree. I wonder if I should introduce him and Jeff? Psych degree meet psycho? Kidding... I have not accepted his invite as of yet. I was also asked to lunch by a mortgage company owner who is really nice. I'm not sure. I'm not sure I am ready. I'm not sure I have time for anyone else right now besides me and Taylor.

I'm sad today, but not too terribly broken up. Hopefully that will be the mood for the day. I'd love to get through one day without crying buckets. I have never cried so much in my entire life. I'm not entirely sure the weight loss isn't water loss from the tears. Can you lose 30 lbs in tears?

I'm looking into going back to college to get an AA degree in Business Admin. Partly to improve myself and partly for fun/distraction. I think I might like to get back into public relations.

I'm standing at the door to my new life. I really wonder how it will be. I suppose it can't be worse...it can only be better, right?

I am afraid, but hopeful. I am sad, but resigned. I am lonely, but surviving.

I am heartbroken for losing the man I loved more than life - but I've looked hard and that man no longer exists. To me, it is as though he has died and I grieve for him.

It hurts to see the stranger with his face. A stranger I have almost zero respect for. A stranger who is cowardly, deceitful and immature. A grown man who is suddenly having a mid-life crisis.

It's easier to let Jeff go by realizing that the Jeff I was so very much in love with just isn't there anymore. It's a shame because that was a good man. A man who I was proud of. A man who should have been proud of himself. The man who took his place is a man who is so full of darkness that I can't imagine him having any pride in himself. How do you feel pride knowing you are a cheat, a liar, a manipulator?

I miss my Jeff. I wish he would find himself again. If he did...I would come running back.

But I won't hold my breath.