A Flip of the Coin

I notice that my feelings towards Jeff alternate from moment to moment.

Some days I wake up and I truly do not care if he lives or dies. Some days, I see him for the terrible person he is. Some days, I just don't like him.

The flipside of the coin is that some days, for no apparent reason, I feel for him. I worry about him. I know stress and anxiety cripple him and I know he is under a lot. I want to help him, be there for him, soothe him...all in vain, because he doesn't want help, but still...I want to comfort him.

My day generally depends on which side of the coin happens to be facing up.

It flips with no rhyme or reason.

Today, I feel for him. I know him. He's probably not sleeping well. He's stressed. He's worried. He puts on a false "it's going to be fine" face, but he feels like he's sinking.

I'll have to work harder today to focus on my own life. Let's face it, if Jeff wanted me to be there to help, comfort or just partner up and face it with him he wouldn't have cheated on me.

We have two different views of what matters. To me, when you love someone - you stand by them. You face it with them. I'm getting a 2nd job to make MY dreams come true. I'll be earning about $1,000 a week. Do you think for one minute that if I was still with Jeff and we fell on the same hard times and were working TOGETHER than I would get out and bust my ass to do the same? Why not? I did it for Brad.

I offered to do it for Jeff once. He declined.

To me, being in love - you are a team. Jeff liked this idea, but he never lived up to it.

So...here we are. Jeff's dreams falling apart, me making mine come true on my own.

And, I have to admit, it's hard to feel too sorry for Jeff. He created this situation for himself and pushed me away. He owes SO much money and he throws money around so carelessly. New girlfriend coming over? By all means, let me fill the fridge with a few hundred dollars in rib eyes, strawberries, wine and tasty treats! New girlfriend wants to go out? I remember the day I moved out, finding receipts from bars and restaurants for HUNDREDS of dollars each. Who spends $200 - $400 several times a week to impress a new girlfriend while not paying the bills? Got a few extra dollars? Instead of paying debts, let's go play poker at the Hard Rock Casino.

Jeff needs - and has always needed - a stabilizing factor. I would have been it for him. I tried to be it for him. I wasn't perfect at it, but things were certainly more stable when I was there.

And...here I am....dwelling again. I told you I needed to refocus.

This weekend, I am driving myself to North Carolina with Taylor to visit Tammy. Tammy really is my best friend these days. I am excited to see her, nervous about the drive...I will leave Friday at 6 am and return late Monday. We'll ring in the New Year together decked out in our finest...

We plan to walk the beach (she lives on an island), and sit, talk, cry, laugh. We'll basically have a weekend slumber party together. I'm happy about it. We both need it.

Men off the list feels good. It's a relief to not be looking for a man right now. My feeling is that I will be far too busy with work to have a man and that's a good thing. I want to get moved and settled in a new place before I bother being social.

Still...last night, my thoughts wandered. I admit it.

Brad came over to hook up the PlayStation so Taylor and I could watch DVDs. I told him he was the best, and I meant it. I told him it took finding the worst to realize it.

When he was there, I went outside to talk on the phone to Tammy. I wanted to put space between us.

I don't want to turn to Brad out of loneliness of rebound. I'll make sure I don't open a door there unless MUCH time passes and it happens on its own accord.

I'm not closing doors anymore. I'm not opening them either. I refuse to let fear and anger and hurt close me off to a future of any kind. Instead, I will force myself to remain open and let the fates take their course.

I'd be a liar to say I wish things didn't turn out differently with Jeff and I. I do still love him, even if I wish I didn't. I just don't like who he is now...he had a complete personality change overnight and became a person who is shallow, empty, sad and all my predictions for what would happen to him once I left are being slowly fulfilled...

I would have liked to save him.

I can't help but wonder this...

I sometimes think that being with Jeff and being his victim taught me that in retrospect, I had something great with Brad. My feelings for Jeff may have been more intense, but I am starting to believe that Brad and I had genuine love. The soft, simmering, warm kind as opposed to the violently boiling variety.

I wonder if Jeff will go through all of this, and one day realize he actually had something good with me.

I give him far too much credit for thinking and feeling.

Flip the coin back. I'd rather not care.