And it begins...

It has begun.

Christmas. A day I have always loved and today, a day I dread...

I went to a Christmas Eve gathering with my family. I wasn't sure where the house was and when I called for directions, my sister asked me to pull over and wait for them. I ulled over, looked up and realized I was in the parking lot of the condo Jeff and I lived in before moving to Weston.

I sobbed. Taylor was upset. I just broke. A year ago today I lived there. A year ago today I was so in love.

I finally stopped and made my way to the party.

My usually abrupt and uncaring father gave me a card that made me cry a 2nd time. In addition to the usual Christmas card, he gave me a 2nd card...

"Hang in there...

It's going to be okay.
Just give things a little time.
In the meantime
keep believing in yourself
take the best of care;
try to put things in perspective;
remember what's most important;
don't forget that someone cares;
search for the positive side;
learn the lessons to be learned;
and find your way through to
the inner qualities...
thje strength, the smiles,
the wisdom, and the
optimistic outlook
that are such special parts
of you

It's going to be okay

I know it will be.
Because I know you..."

I cried. It was so spot on.

A man I did not know at the party overheard a comment I made about being single and began hitting on me. I ignored him.

Now I just have to survive the next 24 hours. They'll be hard...still, it's all about surviving one minute at a time. Sometimes I have no idea what keeps me going when all I want to do is drop where I stand, scream bloody murder and stop living.

But somehow, I keep on. I don't believe it is strength so much as just robotic submission to life. I try to be stoic and calm. I try to keep my head up. But the pain just builds up inside and then pours out of me in a random sobbing moment.

The pain is as confusing as the relationship turned out to be. I am never sure if I am crying because I miss him, because I was a fool, because I am lonely, because I hate him or because I just can't see any hope for a better future.

But, I keep on...