On the Road

Well, it looks as if everything has fallen into place and Taylor and I will be on the road to North Carolina tomorrow morning at 6 am!

I'm very nervous. I've never driven any distance alone. I'm afraid of flat tires, getting lost and breaking down...

I'm excited about getting there, seeing Tammy and the island and spending the weekend with one of my best friends. I'm happy to be "distracted" for New Year's.

I have to swing by my old house and pick up something tonight. Tammy had stored TV's and furniture with us and she needs me to bring her a TV. I can't lift it alone, so I had to arrange to have Jeff help me. I have a very small specific window to arrive since he has a date tonight.

Moving on.

I remember struggling half-heartedly with my weight for the last 10 years. I was never FAT but I was on the plump side. Not a problem these days. I lost 30 lbs in my break-up with Jeff and I hardly ever eat much these days. I'd like to lose a bit more, but I find that I am constantly buying new clothes since my old ones no longer fit. I had to buy jeans last night for my new 2nd job and was amazed to realize I needed 2 sizes smaller and while they fit ok (loose and comfy) at the waist, they are baggy everywhere else. I'm pretty sure I could go down one more size and be at about my high school size. I'm now officially the same dress size as my 21 year old sister, but she has me by 3 inches so I think dropping more would be fair.

I'd actually like to lose another 28 lbs. Gee, I wonder if I could get Jeff to date me and hurt me again? My family gets this worried look when I say 28 lbs because it seems like too much to them, but I carry my weight pretty well and 28 lbs less would put me at a good low average for women my height (5'6). Heck, if I were wanting to be model-thin I'd have to talk about 48 lbs.

In a nutshell - I look like I weigh 135-140. I actually weigh 163. My goal is 135. If I look 135 at 163, then at 135 I should be just perfect. :)

Of course, I suspect that at 135 I will want to weigh 125.

I actually do eat. I just eat a lot less. Once upon a time, a trip to Taco Bell meant a #1 combo (burrito, soft taco) and a baja steak gordita plus a side of pintos & cheese and a side of guacamole. These days, that much food would have me throwing up in the parking lot. I eat one soft taco and I am beyond full.

I have to admit that focusing on me and not a man these days is turning out to be a welcome change. I feel better. I am looking forward to things. I feel strong.

My friend Todd (who has known me for more than 10 years) told me last night that there are strong women, there are tough women and then there is me. He swears I am the strongest woman he has ever known.

I love him :) I miss him. He's the best friend I've ever had and when we talk, he lifts me up.

I don't think I am especially strong. I think I just go on because I don't know another way. You've all heard me break and wish I were dead and feel like my life is over...but I still stagger on.

Still, now that I have eliminated romance and dating from my life - it's just...easier.

Okay, the sex thing...

First, I was dying of sexual deprivation before and then I did something that I know most of you would call STUPID but it took care of the issue. This week I have felt fine, not deprived or depraved and still the issue managed to get itself taken care of. Again probably STUPID to most, but it did add a little something better to my week...

I'm not worrying about sex. I'm not worrying about dating. I'm actually looking forward to being too busy to date. When I get my OWN place (April!!!!) I will reconsider it - but to be honest, I am hoping to work through 2007 and leave no time for dating.

It'll just have to happen on it's own. I'm not searching for it anymore...

And that feels kind of nice :)