30 Days to 1 Week

When Jeff and I broke up for good, it took 30 days for me to move out.

30 days during which I was obsessed, in agony, suffering, suicidal, hysterical, anorexic, depressed and angry. 30 days in which I believed my life was over. 30 days of hell. Literally. Probably worse...in fact, given the choice between hell and reliving those 30 days I will glady suffer fire and brimstone and copulate bi-hourly with Satan himself.

It occured to me (in the last 15 minutes) that today marks 1 week since I moved out.

I had forgotten.

I spent the day with Taylor. We went to Golden Corral for lunch and then to the bookstore. We browsed books, selected a few and then went on to Target for a little shopping. I got 2 new bra and panty sets, she got a new shirt. We each got a box of hair color (she had highlights that have grown out and now look strange so we're "covering" them and I am going back to my deeper shade of red after a strangley failed attempt last month to go blondish thinking Jeff would love me again if I was blonde). After that, we cruised by a pet store just to look and ooooh and aaaah over the pets (I was mesmerized by a fish of all things. A Yellowheaded Jawfish - coolest fish ever) and then Taylor was my date for the movie The Holiday.

It was lovely.

We were supposed to go to TWO parades and they were both rained out. Taylor and I cracked a few jokes about it raining on both of our parades but we weren't deterred. We had a lovely day.

The movie was freakishly dead-on my life in so many ways. Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz play heart-broken women who swap homes for 2 weeks to recover. Amanda's (Cameron Diaz) break-up was more like mine with the cheating shithead of a boyfriend but Iris's (Kate Winslet) reaction was more like mine with her pining for a dickhead of a man who didn't want her but was subtly remaining in her path to prevent her from getting over him.

The movie was great and sweet and I found strength in it.

I have not spoken a word to Jeff today. Not a text message, not a call, not an IM. I have not seen him. And frankly, right now with NO date, NO sex and NO drama - I feel just fine!

Hmm...interesting correlation. I seem to actually feel better when I do not see or speak to Jeff.

You would think I would be miserable. After all, at this moment - Jill is in my house with Jeff, spending the weekend fucking him on my furniture.

I could care less. The best thing is - I mean it.

Everyone told me I would heal faster once I moved out. How on earth did you all know??? It's true. I am healing.

It's not a replacement - there is no new man to fixate on. It's not a depression - I was out and kept busy all day long.

I'm free.

In Jeff's defense (not that he deserves it) - I was always the one initiating contact with him. I would come up with some excuse to communicate with him.

No more. In fact, I have just now deleted him from my IM screen to avoid the temptation and uninstalled Skype (the alternate IM he uses at work that he once had me install). There was no deep breath or meaningful moment to doing it...just click, click, click - gone. (Funny note, when I uninstalle Skype it made me say "why" I chose to. I selected "other" and filled in "Only installed it for an exboyfriend and have no desire to communicate with that jackass ever again". It made me grin.

This post is the most thought I have given to him all day and truth be told, this post is really more about me than him.

30 days of hell. 1 week to begin to truly heal. 1 glorious day to see that life is so much better with no Jeff in it.

Moving on!

The movie The Holiday did strike a slightly romantic note in me. I found my thoughts briefly drifting to Mark. I spoke to Mark for just a moment this morning and not again and that was fine too. But I have enjoyed him and while I have no intention of getting involved - he's a very nice distraction to have. I'd like to see him again soon. Hell, I'd like to do a lot of things with (read: "to") him soon. I don't think it can really go anywhere but it's fun and exactly what I need right now. Unlike my previous mistake with Jeff, I don't see Mark as "perfect" but rather as "perfect for the moment". He puts zero pressure on me and always leaves me feeling like I was true to myself and not trying to "please" anyone. Long term? Probably not - we're very different...but short term fun? Sure! No promises - no hopes and dreams...just moments of fun.

It's a Saturday night and raining and rather than mope about being stuck at home with no lover and no sign of my former life in sight I am going to relax with my new books and enjoy me.

It's about damned time.

Only took a week.

I'm sure there are still moments of sadness and longing to come. I am sure Jeff will cross my mind and I will hurt.

Just not today. For today, I am free of his hold on me and if I can manage one day than I have to believe there are more to come.

I'm not "happy", but I am closer to being okay! :)