Apprehensive Smiles

I suppose you have to experience it. The pain and heartache when you lose someone you love. No matter who tells you you are not the first person on the planet to feel so horrible, you can't help but feel that no one could comprehend the pain and devastation you are in.

They tell you it will get better. Day by day. You don't believe them. You think they're just saying it because they can't very well agree with you that life is no longer worth living.

And then it begins to happen. It's slow. It's scary. It's a small step forward and three steps back. Then another step forward and only two steps back. Eventually you find yourself making a tiny bit of progress in healing.

Is there a set path for recovering from a broken heart?

I'm beginning to feel better. I can talk to Jeff and feel nearly 79% nothing. I can't say I feel entirely nothing, but in one small way I am fortunate. Because of Jeff's mental illness, I can look at him, speak to him and see him and still believe that the man I loved is not really inside of him anymore.

And, I have to be honest, the way he is living would typically register as a "loser" in my book. That's cruel, and I hate saying it - but he just seems to be desperately trying to bang women and he bypassed "Sexy Playboy" and has moved into "Desperate Loser" status.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

On one hand, it upsets me. If you only knew the man I had glimpsed in him...so determined. So strong. So commanding. I believed - and still believe that that man could have owned the world.

But that man isn't there. The man in his place is limited by his mistakes and his past. He's bordering on pathetic.

I can't deny that his fall from grace makes it easier to stop loving him. Still, I wish I could resurrect the man I knew and loved and put him back on his pedestal.

I can't. Moreso, I won't. He has to do it himself. And even then, he can not have me back. Ever.

I fell in love with the man I saw inside of him. I see a very different man now. As much as I still love and care for him based on the man I saw inside of him, I now have a new image to reckon with and ultimately it equals out to him just not being appealing.

So, you know I had a lovely time last night. Mark's smooth. He wines and dines me and doesn't rush to call me or pressure me in any way. And yes, his "hard to get" style does get under my skin and make me like him a bit more. If he were calling me 50 times (like some others do) I would be less interested. So...the old hard to get game does work.

We're supposed to see each other tomorrow night. I find myself hoping and hoping we will. I actually find myself thinking about kissing him again. Whew...nice kisser.

In the past, I'd be crushing on him a bit by now. I find I am enjoying the ride though and if this phase lasts for months it will be a lovely distraction. If it lasts forever it will still be perfect for me. No pressure. No promises. No obligations. I never thought that would be me but I like it.

I like thinking about our time together. I like wondering when or if I will see him again. I like feeling the hope.

Last night I sent Jeff an IM. It thanked him for letting me go and I told him we could be friends now because I was truly over him. I had let him go. I believe it too.

We'll see. Tonight I am being put to the test. I am going to cook dinner at my old house and watch Survivor and Grey's Anatomy with Jeff. Friends only. Convenient since I never get to cook anymore and have no TV to watch here yet (cable is taking forever). Will he keep it safe or will I be tested on my resolve.

When I leave tonight, will I come home and blog about still loving him? Will I blog about hating him? Will I blog about it being just friendly?

It is too soon to test myself this way...but the dinner and tv are appealing. What is the worst that could happen? I could be sad again? Then I know, right? I know I need to stay away from him entirely since seeing him could send me backwards.

Will I step forward or back tonight?

My prediction is that it will be uneventful. Jeff won't bother with me and I won't bother with him. My hope is that it's friendly.

We'll see.