Dream Girl

I went to see DreamGirls today and it was pretty good. The audience loved it. There were cheers, screams of appreciation, applause and standing ovations throughout the movie

Mostly, it got me thinking about dreams.

I've never been a big dreamer. Or if I was, mine were simple dreams. I dreamt of being happy. I dreamt of a family. I dreamt of cooking my husband the perfect meal night after night. I dreamt of a nice home to have family and friends over to surround us. I dreamt of being in love and being loved.

Simple dreams.

So, when all of your dreams die (or are killed) - what exactly do you do?

I was happy. It turned out to be built on lies. I had a family - we had troubles and then someone came along and made tall promises to a vulnerable heart and destroyed that too. I had the nice house.

Jeff killed every dream I ever had.

Which leaves me here.

2 months ago today, Jeff boarded a plane. I drove him to the airport. He told me I had "nothing to worry about, baby" and "you can trust me" and "I love you". All lies. In Tennessee he met Jill and threw away everything we'd worked for, fought for and struggled for to be with a woman that he doesn't even love. A woman he cheats on too.

And while that disappoints me, it's okay. Because a man who is that weak is no man at all. It hurts, yes, but it hurts the way it might after having a cancerous tumor removed. There's pain, but there is a slow healing too.

So...dreams.

My dreams are still simple and small.

I dream of losing the rest of the weight - Jeff gave me a kick start when he kicked my heart around, so I may as well finish the job. I want to lose 30 lbs. I plan to have it all lost by February. 2 months.

I dream of a place to live. A little apartment for Taylor and I to be cozy. A place I can cook again. A place I can sit on my own couch and watch TV. It's going to be tough. Thanks to Jeff's bullshit and bridge burning - my last year and a half of rentals is unverifiable. Prior to that, my landlady of 5 years is now dead. My credit is shot. I have to find someone to take a chance on me - and I have to afford it. Maybe if I offered an additional deposit. From now on, money goes into my savings account. I'll need to save and scrimp to make it happen.

That's it. For the moment, that's as far as the dreams go. Only I'm on my own to make them come true.

And I am going to do it