The Eve
Last year, just after Christmas, I blogged this:
PC and I lapsed into some premature plans last night that got my head spinning a bit. Our relationship has transitioned easily, if quickly, into the comfortable togetherness that couples usually take years to warm to. But somewhere in my subconscious is this little alarm bell. I have no idea what it's ringing about, but it's there. And it worries me.
Is there something missing that I haven't caught onto yet? Trust issues? Financial worries? Moving too fast? I have no idea.
I'm in love with PC. Occasionally, it occurs to me that perhaps PC is not in love with me, so much as he is in love with the idea of being in love with me.
Like some inner voice in him is running a list:-
Frequent sex? Check!-
Good communication? Check!-
Willing to contribute to household?
Check!Ok! Basics are in place...let's have a relationship.
Or...maybe my PMS is just making my brain screwy. I swear, I am on week 2 of PMS without the period and it's making me insane.
I haven't "cooled" towards PC. I am still enjoying him thoroughly. I even enjoy when he annoys me. Yesterday he was making me insane with to-do lists and I just wanted to relax, and I loved it even as I plotted his death. I feel tired, stressed or worried and he smiles at me in this certain way and I forget everything but how much I love him.
But what if I really am just some "check" on a list.
What if he really is incapable of truly loving someone?
What if PMS lasts forever?
I honestly think it boils down to my feeling of security. PC and I have moved very fast in a short period of time and while I feel sure of my own feelings, I am still accepting his feelings. I need to be able to trust that he loves me and is prepared for the future we are planning together and on some levels I am still not there. PC has stayed in an unhappy marriage and hid his feelings in the past and that leaves me very worried that I could be fooled as well.
Sometimes I believe it without pause, but there are moments I feel like he could just as easily walk away.
And if that's true, how can I plan for a future?
I can't be hurt again.
With all I have been through and all I have given up to be here, it would be devastating. I don't know that I would recover.
It boils down to security. How do you convince yourself that someone's feelings are true?
Interesting to reflect back on that, isn't it?
So...where does the blogworld find me today?
I'm in pain.
Yesterday I joined my aunt for a movie. We saw The Pursuit of Happiness. It was very good - some of it hit "too close" to home regarding Brad. Will Smith plays Chris Gardner - a down-on-his-luck man struggling to make it. His wife works nearly round the clock and he tries to support his family but also tries to chase dreams. Her frustration overwhelms her and she berrates him and eventually leaves him. She wasn't "wrong" but she wasn't "right" either.
Could I have been more supportive of Brad? I suppose it's a moot point. Still...it bothered me.
After, I met up with my sister, her fiancee and a friend of theirs for a birthday celebration. There was an undercurrent of matchmaking, but the friend, however cute & nice, was not my type. I ignored him.
My dad and stepmom dropped in and my stepmom tried to talk to me a bit about Jeff. I had to make her stop because the tears were welling up.
Jeff. Jeff.
It's all been lies. I am still in love with him. He's terrible and he hurt me brutally and was horrible to me and I am still sitting here wishing I could be with him.
I can look at my relationship with Brad and ask - did I try hard enough? Could I have done more?
With Jeff, I know I tried. There was nothing else I could do. He set me up for the fall.
I hate myself just a little for feeling this way...still, if I am honest with myself and my feelings then I have to face them.
I still love him. I still want him. I know I can't be with him, but I am still in love and it is killing me.
Right now, I just wish I could be with him.
Yes, I am back to crying.
Merry Christmas.
3 comments:
I am sorry that you are feeling glum this holiday season. I remember your post from last year well. In retrospect it seems to describe Jeff very well. I know that you care for him and may continue to do so for the rest of you life. But he is still toxic and not the right man for you and no amount of caring can change that. Did you try hard enough with Brad? Maybe that's a question you should ask him. From what I have read here he has been very relatively supportive. Do you think that he would do so if he thought that there was more that you could have done?
I know that it's easy to say and hard to do but try not to cry. Nobody knows what the New Year brings but I'm sure it will bring good things to you. You deserve it. Merry Christmas Christine.
MWCB - thank you, sweetie. I think it's okay to cry. It hurts. There's no denying how much it all hurts. I'd rather let it out than bottle it up. I know how wrong Jeff is/was for me now, I'm just still wrestling with the feelings and confusion.
Ad, Brad? In retrospect it took being put through utter hell to realize I lost a damned good thing. It would take a lot of work on both sides but if he'd try again, I would...
But Brad's smarter than that...it was only a year ago I was HIS "Jeff". He's got walls up with me now and he'd be stupid not to.
And I am a decent enough person not to insult him by trying...
I was not suggesting that you try and reconcile with Brad (or that you try not too). Only that he more than anyone else could say weather you tried hard enough. And I think that he would say that you did. There are always going to be those that say that anytime a marriage comes to an end someone didn't try hard enough; as well as those that like to see people breakup because it makes them feel better about their lives. But when it comes down to it, it's only what you and in this case Brad think that matters.
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