Hmmm....the Final Hurdle?

Today is Mark's birthday and I was happy to hear from him. He's having dinner with his mom tonight, but he's apparently....shall we say, in the mood?

I'm going to his house tonight after 9 pm. I don't think there is any question about what will transpire.

The final hurdle? Post-Jeff sex?

Ok, I am apprehensive. I want to go. I'm afraid to go. Am I going for the right reasons? I like him, he turns me on...are those the right reasons? I also feel like it's shutting one more door between me and Jeff. Maybe a new sex partner will make those booty-calls from Jeff easier to resist. Are those the wrong reasons? Is this natural? Or...am I just trying to get it over with.

Will it change me?

Will I like it?

Even Brad is encouraging me to go. LOL. Brad really is one of my best friends. We have the best divorce ever.

But, again...13+ years. TWO sex partners. Do I even know how to please someone new? Will I undress and he'll see all of my flaws and not want me? I lsot so much weight, but I'm not tight and toned... Will he be rough and hurt me? Will he object to using protection?

Will he reveal some bizarre kink?

I feel like a damn virgin.

Then there's prep work to be done. Shower, blow out my hair (mass of curls blown straight...), shave my legs, shave other places...make-up, selecting the right undergarments - lingerie? Cute bra and panty set? What????

Will I go? If I do...will I do this?

If you've read me for long, or read my archives, I think you might "know" me a bit. I've always had a wide open heart and have loved freely. I am so closed off and guarded now. New men have to work their asses off to get me to even respond to them. It took Mark over a month. I have 90+ new emails in my box from men who have seen my picture, read my profile and are dying to meet me. Some email repeatedly. About 85% are seriously cute. 3% are way too hot for me. I can't even imagine sitting across from one of these tight, toned, modelesque men and relating to them. 12% don't fit me at all.

And I ignore them all. The perfect ones, the great fits - I ignore them all. I might reply to one or two of them, then I ignore them too. I have no idea why. I'm exhausted at the thought of trying to get to know someone new.

And...I am aware Jeff is out there. On these same sites. Doing to other women what these men are doing to me...and I wonder how many of them are like him?

Will I, won't I? Tomorrow could be a fascinating post.