I Am Ready
In the hour before 2007, I find that I am neither looking forward to a new year, nor dreading it. Simply put, I am ready.
For me, this will be a year of hard work.
I will work two jobs. I will remain focused - entirely focused - on achieving my goals one by one. My biggest goal is to put together a life that no one can ever take from me again.
I know that Jeff is out with Jill tonight and that midnight will find him kissing her. I do not feel envious or hurt...I can not because I know what lies ahead for any woman who gets involved with him.
I do not miss him. I only miss a dream I thought I had. Someone I thought I knew.
Under no circumstances could I be with him again. Even if a part of me still loves him, there is no way he could undo the terrible things I have seen in him.
My goals for the new year are clear and (I think) well planned.
January:
1. Pay off my driver's license judgement deposit and fix my tickets
February:
1. Declare bankruptcy
March
1. Find an apartment for Taylor and I
April
1. Move into my new apartment
That's it. That's as far as it goes. After April, I intend to continue working to earn extra money to stockpile in the bank.
I do not want to "meet someone" because it would only serve to distract me. I do not want to care about anyone beyond Taylor and myself.
I want to continue to build walls around my heart and if they become so high that no one ever gets in again, so be it, all that matters is that no one will ever leave me feeling lost and alone again.
I plan to become a person who is comfortable in my own company and needs no one.
I am not happy, but I am ready.
I have no fond memories to post of 2006. Every good thing that happened was undone in one swift blow when they were revealed to be all lies. I can not look back on any happy moment without thinking it was all a lie. All faked. All manipulation, scheming and deceit.
My only hopes for 2007 are that I prosper, grow and continue to stay on my chosen path with no distractions.
Ah, yes - (I almost forgot) and one more thing....I would like Dawn to stop reading this blog. I think it's unbecoming for a teacher who is charged with education in a moral, spiritual and conventional sense for a private Christian elementary school to be fixated in such an unhealthy way. My hope is that she would NOT want to be the subject of future detailed posts.
Move along, Dawn.
Happy New Year.
4 comments:
I bet you still had some great moments with Taylor in 2006.
And regardless of how the year ended up, 2007 is a new year with all the potential of that comes with it.
I wish you, and Taylor (and Brad) a HAPPY, healthy 2007.
That's right girly - INdependant rather than COdependant. It's amazing how it empowers you. You will definately serve as a role to your daughter that will serve her well as an adult.
I'm sorry you learned this horribly gross lesson from Jeff, but if something happens bad it's still an experience.
A line from the serenity prayer:
Understanding hardship is the pathway to peace.
I wish you the best in 07!
Chel
A new year, a new start. May it be your best year yet! You've mentioned in quite a few posts about wanting to lose weight. I lost 40 pds in 4 1/2 months, following a safe and healthy diet. Would you like a copy of my plan? I'd be more than happy to share it :)
MWCB - if you ever get to Florida, you and me and Calif Girl need to go out. :) You're only partially right...I was so focused on Jeff that Taylor didn't get the attention she deserves. 2007 will change THAT.
Anon/Chel - Jeff who?
MistyBlue - I'd love it. Send it on. So far I seem to be having luck with just staying too busy to eat! Now I just need to work out to tone up the lose areas and lose the last 28 lbs. I'm thinking a 2nd job is going to help a lot since it's all on my feet and moving fast!
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