Life Begins

With the dreaded Christmas behind me, I feel a surge to move forward. I did a comprehensive budget and figured a few things out.

First, I need a part time evening job. Brad has agreed to help look after Taylor so I can work more. I was a waitress 10 years ago - I trained waitresses also, so I am looking there first. I pleaded with my little sister to talk to her managers and see if they will give me a shot. I am good at it and I will work my ass off but my hours will be an issue. I can't start on weeknights until 6 pm due to my day job and I can really only manage 4 nights a week, no lunches. If someone will give me a shot though, I will bust my ass. I need to earn $300 a week extra in order to afford to move out by April 1st AND have a small emergency cushion in the bank...

Second, my brief emotional setback for Jeff has passed and I once again think he is a big loser. He owes me $820, hasn't paid rent for December and as far as I know has not paid his ex-wife child support or alimony - yet he has the money to go play in poker tournaments at the casino. One of my family members saw him there and I asked him about it and he admitted it.

I'm pretty sure he also continues to spend money on women. Believe it or not, small world, one of my sister's friends is an online dater and when we were talking about online dating nightmares and I mentioned him being out there too - she recognized the name and said she had actually talked to him once. She didn't meet him, but later in the conversation when my sister asked if he had paid me back yet and I said he had not and was broke, the same friend piped up that he seemed to have the money to spend on dates because he was offering. She said he was pretty obnoxious with his "fuck me please" attitude and that he was whining to everyone about how this was his first Christmas (bullshit) without his kids and he needed someone to comfort him. Manipulation...

Typical. As much as I dislike his ex, it seems to me that he should be supporting his kids first. If he has an extra $100 - he should give it to her towards what he owes her first and foremost.

None of my business with the exception of the money he owes me.

So, yes - the Jeff mood swings continue on. Love him, hate him, love him, hate him. Today, it's hate.

Men just got put on my backburner. I am cancelling all of my dating profiles. I won't have time to date and work and priority one is work 2 jobs. Once I have a place of my own, we'll see - until then...I have no time, energy or desire to be involved with a man.

Maybe I am just getting better at the alone thing.

I admit to being a bit lonely, but much less so. I have never NOT had a partner in my life, but it is opening my eyes to what I do have...my sister, her fiancee, my best friend Tammy, my aunt - I have people that love me and care about me and that I love to be around. And truthfully - I am starting to enjoy THAT even more than any man. Hell, I even have Brad in my corner. I talk to him every day and he is always supportive.

The 2nd job would also let me interact with people...so I am excited about that.

I feel focused today. I feel determined. I have a struggle ahead, but it is exactly what I need to get MY life and my daughter's life in order.

I know I will be ok. I hate the days when the pain comes crashing through, but I appreciate the days like today when I can put all of my focus into a future...