The Test

My first test occured last night. I think I scored a low B, high C.

Brad has Taylor, so I took myself to the local Sports Bar/Steakhouse to watch the hockey game. I dressed cute, but I think I had the "Leave Me Alone" vibe going. A guy would catch my eye and smile and I would just look away. I would have liked company, I would have liked to flirt - but I was closed off to it and just kept to myself.

I got home and was getting ready for bed. I sent Jeff an IM to let him know I didn't get to ship one of our ebay items yesterday and would have to go by the house tomorrow (now today) to get it.

This is our actual transcript of the brief IM:

Tue Dec 19 23:02:30 2006

[23:03] christine: Home now - just a quick note to say I obviously didn't get to ship the Pooh ornaments today. I will do it tomorrow.

[23:03] jeff: you can come over tonight if you want

[23:04] christine: lol, no - I'm pretty sure you'd like to slap me about now. :) Did you type that in the wrong window?

[23:04] jeff: no

[23:05] christine: You couldn't possibly want me to come over tonight.

[23:05] jeff: why

[23:08] christine: Hmmm, let's try a different approach. Why would you want me to come over? Something tells me nothing good could come of that. Don't mess with me, Jeff, I'm not that strong yet. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet. Not when it comes to you.

[23:08] jeff: ok...never mind

[23:09] christine: Nice test though. :) Did I pass?

[23:09] jeff: depends on whether you come over or not...lol

[23:09] christine: lol. Your evil side is showing, babe

[23:10] jeff: good night...heading to bed...
[23:10] jeff: doors unlocked

[23:10] christine: I haven't had sex in 3 weeks. You really are a mean one.

[23:10] jeff: lol
[23:11] jeff: you know me...up for that challenge

[23:11] christine: I'm going to smoke. I suddenly need to.

[23:12] jeff: lol...good night..if you get the urge to drive...see you later

[23:54] christine: Good night. You didn't get me this time. What I want, you can't give me. It's lost inside you somewhere. You may like a challenge, but I think you'll find I'm more of one than you give me credit for.

Yes, he actually tried to "booty call" me.

I get credit for NOT going.

I lost points for engaging him at all when my response should have been "Fuck You". I lost points because it hurt me. I wanted to go. I wanted to be able to pretend he still was my Jeff for awhile. I could imagine kissing him, touching him, feeling him...but leaving him when it was over would have been like breaking up all over again. I wanted him.

I may not have gone, but the impact was only lessened. He hurt me.

I didn't go. It was probably the strongest I have ever been. I'll need to be stronger. He will try again.

And I am lonely.