On the Couch

I have good days and bad days, like anyone else.

My good days are never as good as most peoples. These days a good day is one where I am not full of rage, crying or focusing on how unhappy I am.

My bad days are worse than most. On a bad day I will sob for hours when no one is around. I will lie in bed when I need to be working. I will vent, rage and write hateful things in my blog.

I've wondered about my blog. I'm finding a sort of safety net in keeping myself closed off from people. A secure feeling in not opening up to anyone, even though I sometimes miss that intimacy with another person. But I suppose I am not entirely closed off if I can share the deepest and most honest feelings here. I've considered not blogging and closing up further, but I have to admit that blogging helps me.

Some days, it is a place to share a happy thought. I tend to feel like no one really cares to hear when something good happens to me, so I share it here with myself. Only it doesn't feel like myself, it feels like confiding in a friend. Some days it is a place for me to pour out my hurt and my anger where there is no judgement. Sure, there are comments, but they can be read or not read. Ultimately, it lets me release.

I'm a fan of many TV shows - TIVO being my new best friend - and among them is House. Dr. Gregory House is about as closed off as they come, and to be honest he often reminds me of jeff with his lack of ability to feel. I suspect the character is loosely based on a pyschopath/sociopath because he embodies many of the same characteristics. The main difference being that Dr. House is an aggressive man and jeff is as cowardly as they come when it comes to confrontations.

Still, I find myself envying House's stoic ability to be so locked up that he won't share so much as a memory with another person. Some days I would like to be that closed.

I used to be an open book. I shared my blog with people I knew. I never wrote anything I didn't tell people. I had nothing to hide.

Now, I am a closed chapter. I smile, I'm polite and I go about my business and not one person that crosses my path has any clue how I am feeling inside.

I am also a big fan of The Gilmore Girls. The main character, Lorelai is so much like the person I used to be.

I envy her too. I would like to be that full of life and fun again.

Dr. House or Lorelai Gilmore - I suspect I will become more like one or the other as time passes.

I just wonder which...?

I've stopped eating again. I don't know why. I tried. I have a huge plate beside me that is bound for the garbage of a tuna steak and potatos. I took one bite and left it there. It's got to be thrown away now. I think my emotions inside twist me up so much that I can't eat.

I've struggled with my weight for years. After high school, I just put on the extra lbs. Somehow I managed to carry them pretty well so it was never a huge issue but I never imagined I'd actually lose it all.

I haven't lost it all. My ideal weight is still about 24 lbs away but I seem to consistantly drop lbs every week - eat or not eat. I'm sure the walking at my 2nd job helps. I bet if I drank water instead of soda I'd drop lots more.

I'm not dieting. I'm just...well, I'm doing nothing. I eat when I absolutely have to and I don't when I have no time or appetite.

My new jeans are loose. In total, I have dropped from a size 14 to a 10. I suspect I could manage to fit into an 8. I see no difference in the mirror. I don't look any thinner to myself.

I'm noticing a strange thing about myself with Brad. I actually noticed it before, but never understood it enough to discuss it.

When I talk to him, I feel something inside of me turn off. I become guarded. I become quiet.

With strangers, it's easier. I think the people I serve at the restaurant think I am this friendly, cheerful woman. I should get an academy award for my shifts. It's easy to fake it. I've always been able to fake a smile or a laugh when I am dying inside.

It's a defense mechanism.

I seem to have a lot of defense mechanisms these days.

A Smarter Girl Than Me

A smarter girl than me would never have let someone like jeff into my life. She would have realized his past IS who he IS as a person and never believed the "it's different with you" bullshit. She would never have trusted a man who has never been trustworthy. She would never have fallen for lines, lies and promises that were broken again and again.

A smarter girl than me would have held onto a husband who fucked up, but was genuinely sorry and loved her. He was there for her. He knew her in ways no one else ever could. He would have stood by her through the end of time. It was real. It was probably the only real thing I ever had.

A smarter girl than me would never have let herself be swept away, manipulated and mutilated.

Yes. I have come to realize I was wrong to let go of Brad. Very wrong.

And yes, it is too late.

The things I went through have changed me. The person I am now is a far cry from the girl Brad loved and reconciliation is impossible. I was lucky he fell in love with me once. To imagine he could fall in love again with a different me despite the mistakes I have made would be like imagining the that tomorrow I will wake up and tears really will become currency with which I can be a multi-zillionaire.

The odds of finding what I once had are beyond impossible.

So, not really much point in looking.

I'm not pining for Brad. I still lack the ability to really feel anything but pain. I keep myself sedated with work and goals and anger because they dull the pain underneath. If I were to stop the self-sedation it would be like open-heart surgery and a hysterectomy without any anethesia.

I'm not ready to feel anything yet. When I do, I imagine it will hurt like hell.

Still, I accept my mistakes and I give up on love. I played the game and lost and I am out of the tournament.

You only get one "once in a lifetime" and I blew mine. What's left is to just be a good mom and hopefully a better person who is a little wiser, a little stronger and certainly a little sadder.

A smarter girl than me would have known better than to date Satan.

Fight

Another blogger, Pretty Peanut, has posted what seems like a surrender to her marriage. She's reached a point of giving up and it's not hard to see why - things have been hard.

I commented. I told her to fight.

She said "Did you know that there are men in this world who literally worship their wives, men who think all day long of how wonderful she is? Men who never hang out with the boys, never watch sports, never sit around drinking beer, never look at porn or oogle at other women, but instead they spend all their time (except sleep and work) doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, nurturing the children, and doing the other chores so the wife doesn't have to do them? Men who daily give their wives backrubs, footrubs, bubblebaths? Men who believe that his wife's happiness is the most important thing on earth? Man who accompany their wives when she goes shopping and hold her purse and purchases while she tries on new articles of clothing. Men who believe that sex is for the woman's pleasure and that she decides if, when, where, and how-and that her having ultimate fulfillment is what gives him fulfillment? Men who give the wife the final say in all matters, from where they go on vacation to how every cent of money is spent? Men who simply exist to make life happy for the women they love"

She added "Here's the deal. I know this, because I had it. He was it. He did all of those things. He was a knight in shining armor. He always made me feel like a queen.The problem? I treated him like crap. I took him for granted. I never appreciated him. I never showed that what he was doing was something that I appreciated. I just expected it after a while."

Yes, I know this story. I had one too. He hurt me and I couldn't get past it and in the end I opened the door to the foulest, most evil man alive who saw my marriage as a challenge and decided to take it away.

I would give anything to be in P.P.'s shoes. Anything to have a chance to fight for it. You can reach a point where it is too late - and EH/Brad and I have. But to be back in time, facing that opportunity to save our family again? I'd do anything.

Brad is my best friend. Still. We talk several times a day. He's there for me. He also has a way of letting me know he's well over me by telling me about the hot manager he's hitting on or remarking about girls he likes. He never did that before, so I suspect it's his way of keeping me distant from him or rubbing it in.

The connection we once had is gone. He'll listen to me and offer advice or encouragement, but it's clear that it's more objective and not from "love".

Yes, I let him go and yes, I lost him. I was wrong.

We had problems but we could have fixed them.

Now...? Now for us it really is too late.

Fight, Pretty Peanut. Fight like you're fighting for your life. Because in a way - you are.

Today

It's not that I have nothing to say - it's just that my last post still says it all...

Touched

I've been so exhausted today. Once I napped and I dreamed.

The dream was a montage of scenes. In each, I vaguely recall being with a man - a different man in each scene but the theme was consistant.

He touched me.

Not sexually, though there was a sensuality to the touch. But simple touches. Once the small of my back. Once my waist.

I woke missing the feeling.

I suppose I do miss being touched.

I have a myspace page and I still have an old personals ad on yahoo. The picture on them both is the same as on this page. I get about 10 messages a day from men who say I am beautiful. Men who want to talk to me, despite my disclaimers about being closed off.

With so many men wanting to know me and me missing being touched - why do I feel so alone still?

In my dream, I welcomed the touches.

Was the fantasy that I was touched - or that I welcomed it?

Lying on the Bathroom Floor

Last season, on an episode of Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Izzy Stevens got engaged to heart patient Danny Duquet and he died hours later. Izzy went home in a ball gown and lay on the bathroom floor for what seemed like days in her pain.

Do you know how many times I wish I could lie on a bathroom floor?

The strong, motivated, determined thing is a front. I am shattered.

I gave my heart to a terrible man. Even worse, I took it away from a decent man who loved me and gave it to this monster. He promised to be gentle with it. Promised he would never hurt me...just before he hurt me more than anyone ever had. Just before he destroyed me entirely.

So I never really got that heart back. When he was done with it, there was nothing left to return. What is worse is that he did it deliberately. It was a game. A scheme. A grand manipulation. A plan. A challenge. A conquest.

I still cry. I don't cry for him because I hate him with every cell in my body.

I cry for me.

I cry for what was done to me. I cry for how much I still hurt. I cry for being such a fool. I cry because this monster ruined me - took away everything I believed in and left me for dead. I cry because I fell in love, followed my heart and ended up losing it forever to a worthless piece of shit who took it and destroyed it. Smashed it. Crushed it. Set it on fire and cut it into tiny pieces to ensure that it could never ever be put back together.

If you ever read me before. If you 'knew me then' - you know...I had a deep and great capacity for love.

Had.

I wish I could lie on a bathroom floor for a few days. Will myself into a catatonic state and just be still. But with a daughter and two full-time jobs, that's not a luxury I can afford.

I still cry. I just don't do it in front of people and I don't cry for him. I cry for me.

It hurts more to know that no one knows me now. The last person that did was him. He read my blog. He slept beside me. He knew my thoughts. Now, between the loss of any intimacy with another person and the tall, hard walls around my heart - no one knows me. No one knows that I still cry. No one knows what I think or how I feel and I can't tell them. I just can't.

At work last night, two things happened. One, a line cook who is the young 'heart throb' flirted with me. He's in his 20's and spoken for I think, it was harmless and I know he was just trying to be friendly. It was funny how it happened.

There's another line cook - also just a young kid. He has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen and I have to admit I am mesmerized by them. I am always trying to sneak a peek at his eyes without him noticing me doing it. The funny thing is that I confided this in my sister and the guy is not considered cute by anyone else's standards. When I mentioned how nice his eyes were, my sister was shocked. I had to remind her that the kid was about 13-15 years my junior and I wasn't lusting for him, I just liked his eyes. Thick dark lashes and light eyes. Very pretty. I like to look at them the way you might like to look at a pretty sunset. You'll crane your head to catch a glimpse, but you don't wish to touch the sun. You know?

I was walking towards the kitchen when Mr. Eyes was heading for the men's room and I tried to glimpse the eyes and found myself nearly 'caught' by the heart throb cook doing it. I thought he saw me do it and I think I blushed and grinned and looked away. Now I suspect he didn't realize what I was doing and probably thought I reacted to him that way. Hence the harmless flirting.

Anyway - he caught me alone in the back of the kitchen and turned the dimples and smile on me and told me he needed me to be his 'bodyguard' and keep the other line cooks away from him. Jokingly suggesting they were going to beat him up. (He's a personal trainer during the day and has the muscle tone of a God). I pretty much ignored him. He tried to convey the joke a second time and I finally looked up at him and told him I wasn't that kind of girl. He was baffled.

"You haven't heard about me, have you?"

"No..." (confused)

"Okay, well - know this. I hate men. Seriously hate them. If a group of men want to beat the shit out of each other - I consider it sport. If you're looking for a bodyguard, I'm not that kind of girl. I think men should bleed and bleed often."

Line cook backs away slowly. Mission accomplished.

Next, we have the restaurant 'whore'. A cute guy they call Sam. Sam is older - late 20's, maybe even the big 3-0. He's cute and charming and clever and is known for bedding his co-workers. Yep. Reminds me of someone I used to know.

Sam is nice to me and we kid around in a non-flirty way. Sam does know about me. He knows that if he's androgynous around me we can get along fine. If he displays a hint of being male, I walk away. Well, stalk away. Okay, storm away.

Sam asked me a favor with a table and I did it because I like him and someone joked that I "wanted" him. Yeah. I put that rumor to bed pretty fucking fast.

The men I work with are slowing learning to leave me alone. I'm nice and I'll kid around, but don't even joke with me about love, sex or flirting because the wall goes up and the freeze comes on and I stomp away.

Once again, I maintain that no one - and I mean no one - will ever get close enough to hurt me again. And as much as it sometimes hurts that no one knows me anymore...no one is ever going to either. I have the blog for that. My diary knows me. You know me - but you really don't.

Safe, you see?

So, I'm telling you. Sometimes, when no one is around - I put my head in my hands and sob.

Not every day. But some days. Today.

Then I clean myself up and carry on. Because I don't have the luxury of hurting. Because no one is going to be able to make it any better. Because in the end, it matters to no one that I cry or that I hurt - not even really me. What's the point?

What was in me is gone and it's never coming back. Don't tell me "in time" and don't tell me "one day" because I would rather die than to ever love a man again.

I really would. And that's not the kind of thing you can put in a personal ad, is it?

I've seen the very worst in a person and it's scarred me for life.

I just wish I had a bathroom floor of my own to lie on.

Ms. Crabby

So, it doesn't take a genius to see I am crabby. I maintain that hormones have a hand in it. This morning I was scowling in the Dunkin Donuts line and tried to recite my mantra It's going to be a great day! You're going to work tonight and make lots of money and it will mean absolutely nothing because you will still go home to your cramped, crowded room and crawl over furniture to lie down on the equivalent of a cot for 6 hours before starting all over again.

Yeah, little off track there.

The truth is I am making progress in every area, but I'm not known for my patience and it's frustrating to work this hard and have no time to myself to relax. My body has been pushed past it's limits and I am straining to keep going.

But I will keep going.

The jeff thing gets under my skin. It's no typo that I no longer capitalize his name. I have come to feel like he doesn't deserve that honor. Talk about reaching, huh?

It occurred to me this morning that one of the things I hate the most about him is how deeply he hurt me. He told me that he used me. That he never loved me. That stung. Essentially, in doing that, he robbed me of the memories of the past year. How can I remember us ever being happy when in the back of my mind I now know it was all fake? That was possibly the cruelest blow of all.

I hate him.

Moving on.

I'm struggling to focus right now on my needs. I am working tonight at 5 and spending the afternoon at home doing nothing. Well, not nothing...Taylor and I cleaned out the truck a bit and I am about to tackle our room and laundry. It's impossible to organize in this small space, but I have to try. I also need to keep focused on my budget and the bills and the goals because ultimately they are what keep me going right now. It's the only place I can see progress.

A co-worker at the restaurant work a pedometer last night and she worked the same hours I did and clocked over 10 miles in the 5 hour shift she worked. So, I know I walked at least the same. And I am doing it 5-6 nights a week. Usually 6. That explains the continuous weight loss even though I am eating junk and high calorie foods lately. Without a usable kitchen, I eat on the run...

I weigh 159 today. The last time I weighed less than 160 was over 13 years ago. I am wearing an old pair of pants today that used to be a major part of my wardrobe 4 months ago and they are huge. They used to fit like a glove and today the only thing holding them up is my t-shirt which fits snug at the waist. I could fit a Thanksgiving Turkey in the space between my waist and the waistband (not that I've tried, you understand). I imagine if I was eating healthy and drinking water instead of living on soda and 4,000 calorie Dunkin Donuts cappucino blasts (large, covered in whipped cream) I'd be a waif...

Ironically, I don't really care about my weight. Once upon a time I would have danced a jig over this victory, but right now, I'm not focused on losing weight...it's just a side benefit. My goal used to be to weigh 135. I'm built curvy and this seems like the right goal. I am now 24 lbs away from that.

Maybe come April when I can breathe again I will rejoice. By April, I will most likely have lost it. Then I will have not only my house, but a great weight to round out my happiness?

The funny thing is that my size 10 jeans I wear to work are getting baggy. I'm not sure I am ready for a size 8 and I don't want to drop money on more jeans.

If only I could also grow a few inches. At 5'6, I still feel short.

In order to resume my positive thinking I am going to focus on what I would be doing today if I were in my house.

Of course it would be clean. Spotless, really. It's a gloomy day, so I could curl on on the couch with a good book or a movie. I'd stretch out and wrap a blanket around me and just enjoy the peace. Taylor could have a friend over and they'd be playing in her room. I'd have something fabulous cooking for lunch. The smell would be warm and would fill the house. Knowing that work was a few hours away, I'd be contemplating a bubble bath. A warm soak in a fragrant tub in my own space. Perhaps an Enya cd playing, candles flickering.

The washer and dryer would be humming with my laundry. My bed would be made with clean, fresh sheets just awaiting my return home tonight to slip into.

My mischievious kitten, Lily (Sometimes short for Demon Lily, sometimes for L'il Shit) would be scampering around. At almost 2 years old, she's still tiny and into everything. Her latest trick is to open a drawer, pull out a bag of bendable straws and scatter them across the house.

My older cat, Sasha (Fat Sasha) would be lying the way she usually does. Lazy.

It would be about time to serve lunch and I'd call the girls to come eat. I'd serve them up something while I retired back to my couch to nibble and read or watch the movie.

I'd take just a minute to look around. Everything in place. All because of my own hard work and determination.

Later, after I worked, I'd come home to see Taylor curled in her bed under her covers, dreaming. I'd set my alarm and head for bed myself, where I'd read myself to sleep without fear of the light waking anyone.

I'd shimmy out of my size 6 jeans and into a comfy nightgown and stretch out. I'd be off work the next few days and would be mentally planning out the things to do.

I'd be ready for a new day. I'd need a new goal to focus on. I wonder what that will be.

Back to the present, I think I can move forward now. I feel refocused. Just another reminder of why I blog. It keeps my head on straight.

Not Alone

It's impossible to feel alone when you read Post Secrets like these and understand...

I really do hate you. And I like myself so much better for it. I have every reason in the world to hate you and I always will. You can never make it better or be my friend. Your pathetic apologies do nothing because they're all as full of shit as you are. You are a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve to live - but as long as you do, I take comfort in knowing you can never ever be truly happy and that you will continue to acquire enemies and people who wish you dead. You may not feel it because of your mental illness, but I secretly hope that one day you will make the wrong enemy and they will be the one to give you what you so richly deserve...

I just hope I get to hear every detail. I need a good laugh.

Valentine's Day blues? Nope. I can honestly say I am relieved not to have a Valentine this year. It is much less disappointing.

Then again...maybe not. That premature ejaculation thing is pretty bad. Here's a secret for you...I used to complain about how awful you were in bed on the phone to Brad all the time. Even in the beginning when we were "so in love". He laughed his ass off at you. Don't believe me? Ask him. I once compared you to a dog that grabs a human leg and humps it. Actually, I did that more than once...to more than one person.

I told you it was good because I loved you. I begged for more because you could never satisfy me...

I said "yes" every time because I knew even if I wasn't in the mood, it would take less than a minute to be over with.

When you fell asleep - I went into the bathroom with my vibrator 9 times out of 10.

The idea of you fucking another woman is not anything that upsets me. I know without a doubt that she's as disappointed afterwards as I always was...and the thought of it actually makes me chuckle.

I used to check the clock just to see how short it really was.

...ow

Ow.

There's not a part of me - inside or out - that does not hurt right now. To date, I have worked 77 hours this week. And it's the 3rd week in a row I have clocked in 80 hours or more. My back hurts. My shoulders hurt. My legs hurt. My feet, my arms. My gums hurt. My kidneys hurt. I wish I were exaggerating, but I actually left about 4 things off because - well - they're not pretty.

My heart hurts.

The Secret did it again. An unexpected and unexplainable $20 check arrived in the mail today from my phone company. I set a goal for work tonight that I would not leave with less than $80 - a serious stretch since they had me working the patio and it was predicted to get rainy and cold tonight.

I made $80 on one table. A nearly 50% tip on a party of 12 that ran my ass ragged for 2 hours. With my other tables and a few generous tip outs to those that helped me, I left for the night with about $110 in my pocket. I credit The Secret. That shit works...

It was a rough day, but for everything, my outlook is still positive.

I woke at 7 am to get up, get Taylor and head off for a tire appointment. Instead, my body had other plans and I was sick to the point of crawling to the bathroom. Late night Checkers hamburger did not agree with me. I crawled back to bed whimpering and when I called the tire place to say I was running late they told me that my tire was on backorder and to wait until next weekend. More sleep. Thank God.

I slept another 40 minutes than got up and felt all better. I grabbed Taylor and a Cappucino Blast from Dunkin Donuts and ran my errands. Jackass, I mean jeff sent me an instant message demanding his mp3 player back. Dickhead. I left it on the doorstep, pounded 3 hard raps on the door and drove away before he answered it. The fact that he is still alive annoys me.

After my errands, Taylor and I played a game of Laser Tag. I kicked ass. My usual code name of "Rogue Red" was on top, but I thought of a new name after. Phoenix. As in Phoenix Rising - the bird who emerges from ashes stronger?

A few more 'have-to's' and Taylor and I returned home to make 100 white chocolate roses for Valentine's Day. My sister and I plan to pass them out to our tables with the hopes of extra tips.

Taylor and I drove past my future townhouse. The for rent sign still up. It waits for me. I know it does.

My mind is content that I am on track and moving towards my goals. Everything else hurts. My body has been pushed past it's limits and my heart...well, that's still in pieces.

It's odd that I am torn between wanting a partner I can just love and feel close to and not wanting to let anyone new near me. I have no time or energy to put towards falling in love and I know that it would scare the absolute crap out of me but I do miss having someone to love. Not necessarily someone to be there for me, I know now I can take care of myself - but just someone to love beyond me and Taylor. Someone to miss. Someone to smile over.

I mean it when I say that I don't need anyone, that I don't want anyone. I mean it when I say that I won't ever let anyone close enough to hurt me again - - -

...but I miss having someone to feel something for.

Tomorrow I work the night, but I have no plans and no reason to wake up at any specific time. I am seriously looking forward to falling asleep and not setting an alarm.

Tomorrow, for a few hours, I rest.

I know things will get better. I know this is something I have to go through.

If The Secret works this well for my goals, I can imagine applying it to finding love again. But not just yet.

I'm not ready. I may never be. I do know that right now I am not ready.

...And we swing

Even with focusing on the positive, occasionally the negative tries to creep in.

When I am tired, when my hormones are up my emotions are close to the surface. I suppose this is one of those moments, so despite being exhausted I wanted to 'blog it out' of my head.

I miss things. I miss being in love. I can honestly say I do not miss Jeff - I still wish he were dead. But I miss being able to love someone and to curl up against them.

I had a good night at work. Once again I set my goal and once again I beat it. My bills and budget are all in line and I am still on track for my plans to move.

My feelings are confusing. On one hand, I am so busy that I just do not have time for anyone, much less a love. My heart is still broken and if you thought I had trust issues before - now I am rock solid...I will not let anyone close to me. I am an exercise in frustration for men.

I sometimes wish there was someone - not a new someone, not a specific someone - just a warm body to come home and curl up with. Someone to feel wrap their arms around me. At the same time, I can't handle anyone being that close.

Someone to trust in.

My hatred for Jeff grows. I am incapable of reflecting on our relationship - or the past year in general because I hate myself for having loved him. I am ashamed to have loved such a monster. I still wish I could say that I never really loved him, but I did. I was so wrong. I was so mislead. I still can not understand how I was so stupid.

In my heart, I have to believe there is someone for me somewhere, someday. I have to believe I will love again.

So much more carefully.

Taylor is spending the night at Brad's and although I pick her up first thing in the morning to spend the afternoon with her, I suspect her absence is part of my sadness tonight. The drive home was long and I tried so hard to refocus myself and find the postive place again. Still, I came home and cried. Not for any specific reason. It's cold outside and my tears feel so hot.

The happy thoughts that help to recenter myself are when I think about the new house with Taylor or when I focus on how proud I am that I have been working so hard. I am proud of myself - maybe for the first time.

Tomorrow will be a good day. I believe that.

I have to.

The Power of Positive Thinking

Well, The Secret worked well for me last night. I decided before I entered work exactly how much money I wanted to make and told myself I was doing it. Period. I set the amount to a little higher than normal and then went so far as to increase it a little more.

Damned if I didn't make it too. It was down to the wire. By my last table I was still $19 short and the table before them left a miserably crappy tip (I hate serving college student when they pay with nickels and dimes...don't order a fucking $22 steak if you have to count nickels to pay for it)...well, my last table ran up a super bill on appetizers and beers and left me $30. Woohoo! I made not only what I wanted to make, but threw the host an extra tip for helping me and still left over my highest goal.

It was after midnight before I got home, but that was fine by me because I enjoyed the night. I had a great day because I decided to. My co-workers - all of whom have been aloof with me because they don't get along with my hot-headed sister - were all warm and sweet to me. Many of them wished me a happy birthday and one told me she was going to try to call me to sing to me but my sister told her I was trying to lay low...

Still, it was sweet.

I had to pick Taylor up myself with seconds to spare and take her to work with me where Brad was to pick her up. When Brad walked in, my manager called me and said "Hey, there's your boyfriend" I peeked and saw Brad and asked her why she would say that. She knows perfectly well that Brad and I are over.

"You guys aren't over. Why aren't you together? Look at how well you guys work together."

What's with the universal push to be with Brad?

I started to wonder on it. Later, I asked Brad about his night at the Sports Bar. I asked how many women he picked up...my thoughts were that if he said "none" I would point out that it was a shame because he was looking really sexy that night. Just a little testing flirt...

He said "One. The Swedish barmaid."

I kept my mouth shut. That answers that question.

Universe? You're wrong on this one.

So, my life in a nutshell...

I'm in a great mood. I've been pigging out lately and not gaining any weight. I'm on track with my budget. I feel great - great and positive mood. I am working hard and seeing progress. I feel good.

In talking to my sister yesterday I told her how great I felt. I finally realized that I do not need a man in my life to feel complete. I feel great alone. I feel good about myself and what I am doing and I have come to enjoy being on my own. I like being able to focus on me and Taylor.

When I dream of the future, I see me and Taylor in our home....watching tv, cooking and just relaxing. I don't feel like we're missing someone or like I need romance. I feel just fine!

I like that.

On MySpace, a man contacted me asking for a friend. I get a lot of those and ignore them, but this one struck a chord in me. He had just moved here and was in the middle of a divorce. His profile told the story. Dozens of pictures of his pretty wife and him - wedding pictures from 17 years ago, their children, comments on how his wedding day was his most missed memory and how much pain he was in. There were comments from the ex-wife too saying how he needed to find his own happiness beyond her. A lot of comments. It looks like she ditched him, but seems to enjoy keeping him in her grasp.

I knew exactly how he felt.

I responded to him I told him I wouldn't tell him "it will get easier" or that he "needs to learn to be on his own" or how much "stronger" he would become because I fucking hated when people said that to me. But I did understand what he felt. The truth is that it does get easier. You do learn to be on your own and you take pride in it. You do get stronger. But a freshly broken and bleeding heart doesn't want to hear that. They don't want easier. They don't want to be on their own or to enjoy it. They want what they lost back.

It's like trying to explain a subtle shade of blue to a blind man. They can not see it. They have to experience it firsthand. It can not be taught or shown. It comes from surviving.

I've survived.

I still hate Jeff. I can laugh at him now even if tears still sting my eyes. He's pathetic. All the people who have loved him always come to hate him. Because he's unworthy of loving. He's a horrible person who destroys everyone he touches and it's a crime that he's allowed to walk among humanity. He is pure evil. He is incapable of emotions, guilt or remorse - as a true psychopath/sociopath. He is only capable of manipulation. He cannot change and he doesn't want to. He likes it this way and knows nothing different.

There's a Blue October song (of course there is!) that makes me think of him and how he does or should think...

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues,
I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity

And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally
And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the girl, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?

Sadly, I still wish he were dead. I realize how horrible that sounds, but it's true. He contributes nothing but evil and misery and lies to this world and I think the world would be a nicer place if he were dead.

Ok, back to positive thinking.

My life is going well. I know my house is coming and I know I will walk in that door knowing that I worked damned hard to earn it and that I deserve it. I have friends and family that love me deeply. I have the best kid in the world. I have a lot going for me and I am enjoying my life. Sure, I am struggling now - but it is making me stronger and I am learning so much from it all.

It's all coming together for me and I can take pride in knowing it wasn't luck or help - it was me. I did this. Alone.

The Secret

My birthday sucked, as usual. Actually, it did and it didn't but I had a nice day all the same. It rained all night and Taylor and I met my father and stepmother for dinner at a Bennhanna type retaurant where we stuffed our faces. After dinner, I asked my dad to examine my tires and we found that the inside had been worn to the threads. Apparently the alignment is really bad and I guess Dawn had no real interest in maintaining it.

I was nervous driving it at that point since I drive the highways primarily at 70 mph. A blow-out would be very bad.

I decided the smart thing to do was put the spare on in place of the thread-bare tire ( a full-sized tire) and then this weekend I will buy a new tire, get an alignment and an oil change done. See, I do maintain vehicles.

I tried to call my brother-in-law first but he was asleep. So, I bit the bullet and called Brad.

I tried to be cute. "How do I change a tire on this huge SUV?"
Then I asked 400 stupid questions. How do I put the jack together? Where is the jack? How do I get the tire from under the truck? Only 1/4 of them were phony - the rest I genuinely did not know.

Brad was on his way to a sports bar to watch the All-Star game. He tried to be helpful, but to no avail. We hung up. About 2 minutes later, he called back.

"Meet me at the Sports Bar and I'll change it"

Whew! Success!!!

It took 40 minutes, during which he got covered in grease - a shame because he was looking pretty good! When he was done, I went to start the truck and the battery had gone dead. He went to open the hood to jumpstart it and sliced his finger open. I felt awful.

I gave him beer money as thanks and told him he was our hero. As usual, he came through.

I'm feeling positive, upbeat and happy today. You know why? Because I told myself to. You see, someone shared The Secret with me yesterday. They swore it would change my life and I was dubious, but I am beginning to think it's got some merit. I'll keep you posted. If you don't know The Secret yourself, you can seek it yourself because I'm not quite ready to share it. I will say this - it's been around for more than 2000 years and was shared by great minds like Shakespeare, Lincoln and Einstein. Simple in theory, difficult in application but worthwhile. Oprah's going to blab The Secret on January 31st if you're too lazy to google.

I'm excited because I see progress every day. My house is closer every day. January is almost behind us and I only have February and March to get through. I may start packing some of my things from Jeff's place. It's about time the deadbeat got his own dishes, towels, glasses and silverware because I'm leaving him nothing. What I don't want or need, I will discard on my own but he gets nothing because he so callously left me with nothing not so long ago.

I've been mentally decorating my new townhouse. I can see it all so clearly. I think I will set up my home office downstairs and leave my bedroom as my sanctuary. I think I will go for a feminie look in the kitchen with lots of pale rose and sage green. I think my bedroom will be safari themed because I have a yen for a leopard print bed set. I may go bordello for the bathroom and do a red/Moulin Rouge look just for fun. Who knows? I can't wait to start.

I don't care that they won't hold it until April. I know it is my house. It will be there. I can feel it. I can smell it. I know what the tiles on the first floor will feel like on my bare feet. I know I'll hate the tiny driveway with my HUGE truck. I know I'll use the garage for storage because I can't pull into it with centimeters to spare on either side.

It's mine. It will wait for me.

So, this is 34...Taylor, Tarot and Lead Singers I am in Love with

Brad brought Taylor into the restaurant for dinner last night and I was so excited to see her. I hovered in the front lobby like a nervous prom date watching out the windows and I was practically hopping when they walked in.

I waited on them and loved getting to be near my daughter for a bit. Even though I asked him not to, Brad tipped me.

The moment they left - the craziness began. For a Tuesday, we were slamming busy. I ran my ass off and made pretty good money for the night. My body aches like hell this morning - my back, my ribs, my legs are all sore and tight but I keep telling myself it's exercise. Like the sore you feel after the gym - and I embrace it. I can ignore that pain because every person I serve a drink to is another few dollars towards my goal of moving.

In reviewing my budget, I am hopeful. I am still on track and this week actually begins the time when money truly accumulates in my account. All the other items are paid and from here on, my $ grows in the bank on top of my bills.

When I came home last night, I had a small gift bag on my bed and a card from Taylor. She got me Season 1 of The Office on dvd. I loved it. Her card told me how much she loves me and that I was her best friend and her mom - she added "I know you didn't want to celebrate your birthday but I hope you will let yourself enjoy it anyway". That child is far too mature but I worship the ground she walks on.

I have never loved my daughter the way I have come to love her the past few months. We have grown so much closer that I feel like an amputee when she isn't with me. She is my rock. She is my best friend.

It doesn't feel like a special day, but the birthday thing is in my face just the same. On the way to drop Taylor off at school, the dj on the morning radio show I listen to was celebrating his birthday too. Then as I passed the tollbooth on the highway I was handed a flyer wishing the Florida Turnpike a Happy 50th! with birthday candles on the page and an offer for 50% off a SunPass unit (I was meaning to get one, so happy birthday to me). Came home to an inbox full of "Happy Birthday" Ads including a free 11-card tarot reading.

So, I did it. Here's the outcome:

Self: Judge well and wisely; you are the one with the final say.The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now. The King of Swords in this position stands for fairness and even handed treatment. He settles disputes, assists in the resolution of conflicts and mediates. Bringing analytical and interrogative skills to bear on whatever the current drama may be, the King of Swords is by consent of his community the impartial adjudicator. He works hard to maintain that reputation and that position. Patient listening and penetrating questions are his signature, and those qualities are just what are presently being asked of you. (Note: Ok, I can see that I am sometimes fair...this one confuses me a bit, but I can see some insight in it)

Higher Power: The exceptional circumstances that surround you are the natural result of pure motives and hard work.The card in the Higher Power position reflects the broader perspective and influence of your conscience, Guardian Angel, inner wisdom. Higher Power is blessing you with a shower of rewards. Relax and absorb them. Acknowledge that you deserve it. Let your self-image be enhanced by what the outer world and your spiritual guides are telling you. They are happy with your performance, the value you bring to the world and the optimism you stimulate in others. You are serving as a shining role model. Whatever you touch turns to gold. Even though such a state can't be maintained forever, the residual effect of these blessings will help you deal with the new temptations, challenges and twists of fate. (Note: Hard work? Yep, got that. Still waiting for those rewards!!!)

Foundation: You have evidence of transformation that others cannot even imagine.The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background. Temperance in this position suggests that in the past you either witnessed or experienced spontaneous healing or a supposedly impossible regeneration. You have experienced some kind of radical transformation -- from a fallen or a diseased state to a healthy, upbeat, creative and progressive one. This is a tremendous resource to draw upon. Evoke that role model from your personal history and use it to strengthen yourself whenever healing is called for. (Note: This one is eerie...this one makes a believer of me)

Recent Past: The satisfaction gained by previous team efforts energizes your will to contribute, and you enjoy knowing that you are a valuable player.The card in the Recent Past position refers to events that are just departing, recently influential but now diminishing in power. With the Four of Wands in this position, you have experienced success and enjoyed the fruits of a rewarding team effort. As your sense of individualism gave way to the friendly stimulation of creative partnership, your worldview changed. The concept of interactive community is no longer simply a theory but has a chance to become reality. You now see the amplifying power of joining with others of like mind. Store these satisfying feelings so you can draw upon them later; they will sustain you in the long run. Willing team members are assembled for whatever might be the next creative project (Note: Huh???)

The Situation: A persuasive, responsive style induces cooperation and high achievement.The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time. When the Queen of Wands falls in this position, a motherly, take charge force in your environment is managing and organizing all the players. This feminine symbol represents a persuasive, emotionally available style as opposed to more forceful, traditionally masculine methods. This managerial influence is inducing good behavior by holding a high standard and embodying it, urging everyone to make his or her greatest effort. The Queen of Wands is a zealous worker who brooks no opposition and can overshadow the efforts of others. Even though it is true that this person can be manipulative, she truly inspires people to do their best. (Note: Me?)

Challenges/Opportunities: Champion your own needs; put some distance between yourself and those who would hamper your progress.The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones. With the Queen of Swords in this position, improve your ability to balance your needs against the pressures of other people's expectations. To turn this challenge into an opportunity, develop some enthusiasm for spending more time with yourself, making the pivotal decisions in your own life, and living directly with the consequences of your choices. Become your own best advocate. To help you accomplish this goal, shorten the list of people and circumstances that have the power to distract you or divert your energy. Define your boundaries. State your goals. Start acting on your own behalf. (Note: Yeah, this makes sense and pretty much illustrates my course)

Near Future: You are on the verge of fulfilling your grand plan.The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies. With the Ten of Cups in this position, it appears as if the wandering tribe finally found the resting place where it can build and cultivate the land. There is a sense of homecoming and fulfillment. Imagine a gigantic celebration where everyone from elders to children converge, giving and receiving love freely. Together they gleefully catch up on each other's stories and enjoy the sense of bonding they've been missing. During this upcoming experience you will feel slightly sentimental as your heart is opened and filled. It's a time of gratitude and rewards for labors well done. (Note: Damn, I hope so...)

Blocks & Inhibitions: Don't fear getting involved; you would regret inaction later.The card in the Blocks position points to self-undermining tendencies, areas where you could be in denial, where you could get stuck -- unless you examine yourself and make some corrections. This card is traditionally entitled a Page, but in some modern decks as Princess. In this position, this card indicates that you may be resisting your responsibility to mediate a situation and bring clarity to opposing groups. This resistance may result from feelings of estrangement or disconnection from those involved. You may be understandably afraid of standing between such volatile parties. Fear, however, is not a justification for failing to do what you are called upon to do. If you don't get involved you will regret your inaction later. Everyone will be grateful that you squared your shoulders and did what needed to be done rather than looked the other way. (Note: Hahahahaha! Gee, do you think this card is addressing my new reluctance to get close to anyone? "feelings of estrangement or disconnection"? "understandably afraid"?)

Allies: Take advantage of an opportunity to fully experience the love that is available right now.The card in the Allies position points to people who can be supportive or helpful to you at this time. The Two of Cups in this position suggests that there is someone in your life who understands you in a special way. If that person is not yet your partner, if you don't think of each other as a team, then it's time to start moving towards one another. Perhaps you have ruled this person out, even though the interpersonal communication between you feels just right. Maybe something in the world of form or appearances is difficult for you to accept. Often people deprive themselves of love because it doesn't come in the exact package (age, looks, economic status) they think it should. Don't let that kind of thinking continue to limit you. Whatever the issue it is something to be reconciled in your own mind. Only then will you be able to let yourself participate fully in this glorious exchange. Say yes to your heart. (Note: Damn...did we all just think of the exact same person? Nice try, Tarot, but I can't see THAT happening...still....that was creepy. Even creepier I was just on the phone with him reading these cards and he had to hang up to do some work, Good thing he hung up before I reached THIS card. Weird. Nice thought, just not possible.)

Advice: Call your family together to support you and trust that the results will be just what you need.The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible. The Three of Cups in this position advises that you connect with your family and fully inform them about what's going on with you. Let them add substance to your ideas with their talent and imagination. Think of this occasion as a barn raising, where their support helps you make quick work of a big job. There may be something here for everyone to contribute. Put yourself in the loving hands of your family connections and your trust will be rewarded. The synergy between you could enhance each individual's talent and creativity. You will love the results! (Note: Um...they don't know my family, do they? Actually, my sister and I have never been closer and I think my family respects me for how hard I am working right now to fix my life.)

Long-Term Potential: Develop your skills in healing conflicts.The card in the Long-term Potential position points to unknowns still taking shape. It is the "wild card" yet to be played. With the Knight of Cups (in some decks, a Prince) in this position, you have what it takes to become an effective mediator, one who can bring forth healing. This Knight heals the rift between generations and restores bonds between people whose communication has suffered. He mends the ripped fabric of family relations and missed connections. In his humility, he is the first to recognize his own mistakes, misunderstandings and self-involvement. You have the opportunity to serve well using the wisdom you have gained on your outward journeys. Be a warrior of the open heart and help others to own the strength of their love (Note: Ay, ay, ay. Is this one referring back to my Allies card? Or something else?)

In other news, I am in love. I have a total crush. A major crush. Justin Furstenfeld. Lead singer of Blue October. Yes, I know he's married...and that he has a history of trouble and mental illness (am I attracted to that, or what?) and I know he wears more eye make-up than I do but I don't care. His lyrics speak to the core of my soul and I am madly and passionately in love. Justin writes songs from his heart and I understand every one of them way too much. I'm sure he's my long lost soulmate. Too bad about the married thing. I'm not going near a married man again, I can tell you that. Come to think of it, the mental illness should be a deterrent too, but it's not. This is about as Tiger Beat as it gets...I am 34 and have a crush on a lead singer.

So, Justin - if you're out there and you happen to stumble across this? I get you, hon.

I also spent a good part of my St Petersberg/Jannus Landing concert/trip staring at him on stage and lusting deeply. He has this amazing way of connecting with the audience and I felt like he tried to make eye contact with every person watching him and when his eyes landed on mine as he sang, I was freaking weak-kneed. Whew...that is one damned sexy guy but to be honest, I'd be lusting even if he were a short, fat, midget because when I play my Blue October cd I feel like there's one person in the world who gets me too.

I swear, even in my half-dead emotional state, here is a male who reaches me. Now if I could just find one like him in person, I think I could wake up again.

Gee, that's putting up a safety net, isn't it? Saving myself for a rock star?

Hey. Whatever it takes. Justin's wife is one lucky girl. Those eyes just dissolve me.

Drool over Justin and those sexy eyes yourself and promise me as a birthday present you will vote his video Into the Ocean as #1 on VH-1 by clicking here to watch it - remember to vote it #1!!!

So, see? On my 34th birthday I actually reverted in maturity to having major crushes on unattainable lead singers.

Perfect.

I almost forgot!

I know it's my birthday (tomorrow) but I did get a little something special for you...

No, really. It was nothing.

I know I have this linked in my sidebar, but here is a special little treat for you...click on the link below and enter your zip code to find participating restaurants near you. Buy a $25 gift certificate (instant - you print it out and it's good for about a year) for $4. I've used them before and they're awesome! Enter the code SUPER at checkout and click Recalculate the Total for this deal.

The offer is only good through Jan 31st, so get on it! You can buy them in advance and use them during the year. Last spring, I bought about 10 of them for $40 ($250 worth of meals) and I am still using them. The next time Taylor and I want a fine steak dinner, I still have a great local classy restaurant we can go dine at.

Follow Your Destiny

I bought this little wallet card to remind me...$1.25 well spent...

Walk your path, one step at a time - with courage, faith and determination
Keep your head up and cast your dreams to the stars.
Soon your steps will be firm again and your footing will be solid again.
A path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction that you could have hoped to follow.
Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your new journey.
You will find it magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your
wildest imaginings.

Still Stressed, Still Angry, Still Bitter - But Focused and Trying to be Positive

My post today is just random thoughts...

1. When Brad and I lived together, our place was always a mess. With Jeff, we were always very tidy. I finally figured it out. Clutter breeds clutter. Taylor and I are crammed into a tiny room right now with all the possessions we could manage and it's a disaster. Games, toys, shoes and books litter the floor because there is NO other place for them. I have tried to rearrange and make space over and over, but it's hopeless. We do not fit in this room. I can't wait to move.

2. I'm deeply concerned about my belongings. Jeff has not paid rent and has not been in communication with the landlady and he's going to be evicted any day. He's planning to move to Boca. I'm beginning to think I am going to have to bite the bullet and remove all of my things from that house and pay for storage because he's not communicating with me either on that subject.

3. My daughter is precious. I love that kid more than life.

4. I worked my ass off last night and did damned good for a Monday. My budget is on track and I'm feeling good about that. My only setback may be a sudden need for 2 new tires for the Ex-Mobile. They run about $200 each but they are BALD. If some of you were wondering what to get me for my birthday tomorrow, might I suggest tires??? I work again tonight (of course) but I am so excited to be off Wednesday because I can't wait to be with Taylor. I know I see her in the morning and at night, but it's just not the same. I'm dying to just be with her.

5. I seem to have brushed off my male admirers pretty well. They're getting the picture. The fact is, I have no time to talk on the phone or go out so I chase them off. Well, we all know the other reason.

6. I am enjoying learning things about myself - good and bad. Sometimes when I talk, I say something and then realize "Holy crap, that's the reason I feel this way..." Today was a perfect example...

A friend told me that my work schedule was ridiculous and I needed to relax more, work less and trust that things would work out. I wanted to scream. Things will work out???? There's no way in hell I am going to sit back and coast along waiting for things to happen to me. Then I said something that opened my own eyes...I said that my daughter lost everything because I fell in love with a bad person and until I can put it back for her, I blame myself.

Epiphany.

As much as I want my own place just to sprawl out and relax, this is the heart of the issue. Taylor lost her room and most of her toys and things are still stored at the other house because we have NO room. Until I can put her BACK in her own room in a nice place with her belongings, I blame myself for this happening to her. So if I have to work 7 days a week and 16 hours a day to make this happen ASAP for her, I will. It's going to take another 2 months to do this and then I can cut back on my hours and relax and enjoy my family of 2 again. And I can not wait for that day. But if I cut back now, it could be 3 or 4 or 5 or even 6 months and that's NOT acceptable. That's far too long for my child to be sharing a room and crammed into a tiny space in a neighborhood where she can't play outside because it's not that safe.

So....I work. I work like a dog. Worse, I work like 2 dogs. And I love every minute because I leave, go straight home and count my money and examine my budget and plan my move. Every table I wait on is one small step closer. I am the only employee at this restaurant that begs them NOT to "cut me" (send me home) and while the other servers whine about wanting to get out of there or sighing because they got sat another table, I am asking for more, more, more.

Because come April, when I settle down under MY roof with MY daughter it will be heaven. I will appreciate it 1000 times more because of how hard I worked for it.

The Sound of Pulling Heaven Down by Blue October

The next man that manages to capture my heart will be the man who understands the lyrics to this song...

Somewhere, far away from here
I saw stars, stars that I could reach (yeah)
It was a midnight, a silent twilight
Fell down, beyond the ocean beach (yeah)

I'd assemble all the sand that cover wedding beaches
To build a castle so your mom would have a place to stay
Behind the water slide and down the hill where heaven reaches
Land and time is left to float away (yeah)

So rest assured I have the key to every opening
To every wishing well that's deep enough to dream (dream)
I want to show you just how fascinating kissing is
When earth collides with all the space between (yeah)

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore
I may be some sort of crazy
We may be some sort of crazy
But I swear on everything I have and more

So never look behind you, spooky people bring you down
The world is ending there's a party by the bay
I'll wear my suit and tie when I am
I am toasting to the way you put that smile upon my face (yeah)

Fill up the air balloon and ride with me
Yeah hell is jealous of the rain (rain)
Make love like time and space is ending
While befriending fate's alluring way of putting this to shame

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore
I may be some sort of crazy
We may be some sort of crazy
But I swear on everything I have and more

You make the sound of pulling heaven down
You brought the rain's romantic pour
You make the sound
You make the sound
Of pulling heaven down

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before(Tired of wasting time)
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore
I may be some sort of crazy
We may be some sort of crazy
But I swear on everything I have and more

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before(Tired of wasting time)
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore(Tired of wasting time)
I may be some sort of crazy
We may be some sort of crazy
But I swear on everything I have and more...

...and we're back

The trip was a decent one. I enjoyed the time with my sister and LOVED the concert. Blue October rocks. I got a great shirt and I am madly in love with the lead singer.

It was about a 4 hour drive and we did fine. We sang along to cd's, chatted and just enjoyed the peace. The peace was sorely needed...

Saturday morning, before we left, I met my sister at David's Bridal where she was having her wedding dress altered for her April wedding. I had zero apprehensions about going there, in fact it was my idea...but as usual, I am a fool.

I walked in and began to look for her amid dozens and dozens of women modeling gowns of tulle, satin and lace in front of mirrors for their families and friends and something just snapped. I wanted to run through the place screaming. I wanted to set the gowns on fire. I wanted to tell them all don't do it! I began to hyperventilate. The moment I found my sister, she took one look at my face and said "Go sit outside for a minute".

I had a fucking meltdown. I had no idea it was coming, but it's yet another Jeff legacy. I'm not sure what brought it on - the hopeful brides? The idea of marriage? The fact that their shining faces radiated with an innocense and naivete that I once had? The idea that these women represented the pinnacle of a relationship?

I sat on a curb sobbing and trying to breathe. It was awful. All I could think was that it was like watching lambs being led to a slaughter and I wanted to warn them all that men lie, cheat, steal and use you. That their husbands would never be faithful. It was like Silence of the Brides and I was the young Clarice screaming.

Eventually, I recovered. It was unexpected and let me know my pain runs deep. I pity the fool that has hopes of being with me. You think I have issues? Hah! I have issues that have their own issues.

When we arrived at the Beach Resort hotel I booked, our first order of business was to dump our bags, order up two pina coladas and head for the sand.

The song Bring Me Two Pina Coladas kept running in my head.

As we sat and sipped and watched the sun melt into the turquoise ocean, my sister idly drew in the sand. She drew "Sara Loves James" and took a photo with her camera phone.

Not wanting to be outdone, I thought of Jeff and drew my own version...

It took every ounce of strength not to send it to him.

We enjoyed the hell out of the concert and grabbed a bite to eat after before heading for our rooms to sleep. In the morning we were up-and-at-em in time to grab breakfast and head home since we both worked the night.

Work was tense. On Friday night, my hotheaded sister got into a confrontation with another server that escalated into a screaming match in the crowded lobby with them face to face and screaming profanities at each other. Her foe, a young punkish kid, called her a "cunt" and stormed out.

He was fired. She was written up and warned.

His friends at the restaurant are not happy. They spent the night glaring at her, and by default, me.

I ignored it. They all think I am "nice" (how wrong they are) and I knew it wasn't personal. Still, if someone were to set upon my little sister, I would have to curb that. She is, after all, my sister.

I imagine it will blow over.

It's good to be back. I missed Taylor and called her constantly.

As usual, I am stressed and dying to move on with life. Still stockpiling spare pennies to move this spring.

I leave you with my fancy picture from last weekend. Why they looked at me and thought "bed of roses" is beyond me - but here it is.

TGIF

So, Friday is finally here and my body aches to prove it. I worked a 16 hr day yesterday, then headed to the house I shared with Jeff to deal with bulk trash night. I didn't want Jeff throwing my furniture away randomly but there were items that needed to go.

On my way, I text messaged him that I was on my way. He responded that he already put the trash out. I asked what of mine he threw away and he said nothing, so I told him I was still coming.

He hid upstairs while I singlehandedly lugged heavy furniture to the curb. Before I left, I called "Coward!" up the stairs.

On my way home, he tried to call me and I refused to answer. Once I got home, he IMed me and we had a conversation. I told him I hated him. He gave me 497 excuses for why he hid, why he couldn't pay me and why he was an asshole. He said at this point some people would be better off if he was dead and I agreed. We had a somewhat lengthy conversation in which he said he wished we could be friends and didn't know how and I assured him I did not want to be his friend. We did agree on a few things and ultimately I still hate him and think he is pig shit, but I feel a little better about it. I suppose the opportunity to vent helped.

Today he offered me money towards his debt to me. He said his girlfriend had given him some money.

I declined. I do not want his girlfriend's money.

I work tonight - thank god - a Friday night should be a good budget kicker. Then tomorrow my sister and I take a roadtrip to St Petersberg, FL to see Blue October in concert. So, no blogging the rest of the weekend!

I feel guilty about going but it's my one birthday present to myself.

Changed

When I was younger and more naive I would hear songs, see movies, read books about the kind of love that is so powerful it could literally change you. Change your life.

I dreamt of it.

Today, both older and wiser - I am horrified. I did know that kind of love - it was what I felt for Jeff and it did change me. Why on earth was I so foolish as to believe that the change would be a good one?

I'm not even recognizable as the girl I was a year ago. Or two years ago.

I think I mentioned that Brad works for a major beer company and the restaurant I work part-time (part-time??? Hah!) at is one of his accounts. He dropped by yesterday and was chatting with the staff and mentioned that his ex-wife (me) worked there now and asked how I was doing.

He was stumped by the responses...

"She seems really nice, she's just VERY quiet."

"She never talks to anyone, but she's nice"

"Is she really shy? I tried to talk to her and she was polite, but I couldn't get a word out of her!"

Brad was flabbergasted. Quiet. Shy. Withdrawn. These are things no one has ever known me as. My co-workers would be stunned to hear that I was once renowned for feather boas and tiaras. That I was the most outgoing girl in any workplace. That I have been known to dance on a stage and "Dancing Queen" was my personal theme song. They would never believe I was always the ringleader organizing fun things to do and gathering crowds to do them with.

I suppose that was when it hit Brad how much all of this has affected me. I couldn't pick my 'old' self out of a line-up today.

The truth is that now I am quiet. I don't like talking to people. I am withdrawn. I don't want anyone to get close to me. From the moment I open my eyes until I finally lie back down at night, my every second is about what I have to do and there is no room for anything I might want to do.

Honestly, if I had a spare minute I wouldn't know what to do with it.

I'm not complaining, it just makes me a bit sad to realize how much this god-awful piece of shit affected me. He took away more than my home, my belongings, my heart - he took away me.

What really pisses me off (and hurts like hell) is that he feels no remorse for it. He's not even sorry. What he did to me was calculated and planned from the start. He admits that he used me. He admits that he never loved me. He did this in cold blood. Those are the thoughts that make me want to kill him.

Once, I was described as vivacious, full of life and laughter. Today I am this quiet shadow that lurks around silently.

There are moments when I honestly question why this man is allowed to live. He's a force of evil and doesn't deserve to breathe.

The walls around me seemed to go up overnight and now they're insurmountable. They keep the world outside. They keep anyone from getting too close. I was an open book. Now if someone asks me what my favorite color is, I cringe inside and feel like they're getting too personal.

I feel so lost. I have no idea what I want anymore. I don't want him back (at least not until they legalize murder). I don't want a boyfriend or a lover. I don't want new friends. I just want to get a new place to live and be left alone. Taylor and I. No one else. I don't want to fall in love again. I'm not even sure that I can.

Yes, I have become a tragic figure.

In the distant past, when I was sad or hurt I used to envision myself as this closed-off, guarded, tragic figure. I would even try to be quiet when I was hurt, but it never lasted more than a few hours. My natural 'bubbliness' would spill over and I'd be laughing and joking and wide-open again.

I never knew I could actually become that person.

I used to read books or see movies and envision myself as the leading woman. When she found love, my heart soared with hers. When the hero swept her away, I would believe that my own hero would come. Now I no longer read and when I see a movie like this I feel happy for her, but I no longer wish it was me.

People say it takes time to heal. But am I healing? I know I get stronger, but I am not sure it is stronger in a good way. I get stronger at pushing people away. I am stronger with walls to lock the world away from me (or lock myself inside). But is that really better?

Time is passing but I don't see myself "healing". Rather I see myself becoming more and more closed off every day. I wonder if I have already crossed the point of no return where no one will ever reach me again.

If not, I suspect it's not far off.

I wish I could even say that I want to change. That I want to be that happy and vibrant girl who loved life again.

But it's not true. There is safety here in my tiny world. I'm not even lonely - I'm just...

I don't know how to finish that sentence. I do know that I don't sit around longing for someone to be with me or to talk to me. Hell, I have Blogger for that. I ramble on here, a few of you comment and my interaction with the world is complete for the day.

I just thought of how to finish my sentence. I'm not lonely. I'm just changed.

Do I blame Jeff for it? Absolutely. I feel like what he did should be a crime.

I feel like there is no justice in a world where he can take away my soul - the very essence of who I was and go unpunished. In a sense, didn't he kill me? The girl I was is dead and gone - why is that not a capital crime? Why is there no satisfaction or closure in seeing him hang for it?

His very existence disturbs me.

You Must Know

You must know how much I hate you. I have never in my life ended any relationship where I actually grew to hate the other person the way that I hate you. Even in middle school where break-ups were clumsy and poorly handled, we remained excellent friends.

Not you. With the distance to see you clearly I am apalled that I let myself love you. I wish I could say I never did love you, but I did. I was a fool. I was manipulated. I am disappointed in myself for having given my heart to someone so incredibly unworthy.

Last night at work it was very slow. We have one manager who is GREAT as a person (I would hang out or have drinks with her any day) but sucks as a manager. When the night starts and we are fully staffed all is fine. Within an hour or so, the rush dies and she keeps the floor fully staffed. Half the staff wants to be "cut" so they can go home while the other half is just loitering hoping for tables. It sucks to watch someone you know wants to leave get sat a table while you wait your turn.

Still, I made a few measly dollars.

I was asked to work tonight and the server who wanted me to work for her offered me $20 on top of it to cover her shift. I had to decline. I need to be with Taylor tonight.

When Taylor suggested going to my restaurant for dinner I wondered if it wasn't time to start spanking her again...

This weekend I actually have one guilty pleasure planned. My sister and I are going to St Petersberg to see Blue October in concert. They sing "Hate Me" (Jeff's song for me - how appropriate!) and a number of others that I love.

Originally, Jeff was going with me. When I bought the tickets a few weeks ago, he was planning to work it out so he could go. In the past weeks, I decided there was no way in hell I was taking him and invited my sister. I never officially 'un-invited' him, but I suspect he knows that I think he is pig-shit and isn't packing a bag or preparing his lies for why he can't see his kids.

I'll be gone only overnight. I thought about taking Taylor instead, but I am concerned the concert might be rough and her safety is too important to me.

I wouldn't go - but I have to admit, this is my one and only birthday present to myself. I turn 34 next Wednesday and I expect no one to remember, nor will I celebrate it in any other way. I plan to lie low and hopefully work that night to forget it. Long time readers know I am a BIG birthday celebrater so you should see the changes in my life post-pig-shit. I have no desire to mark the day.

In many ways, I feel like I am running a race in purgatory. My life can not begin again until I move and I am working my ass off to make that happen. I know I want to move to a more expensive area and my family thinks I am making the wrong choice - but I HAVE to restore Taylor's life. Her school and her friends are there and until I can put her back there, I won't feel right. I'm willing to work harder, more, longer to accomplish this for her, but it's something I have to do.

Once we move, I can slow down a bit, though I will continue to work a few nights a week. I'll just work the days that Brad has her instead of every day. But until we move, I have to run this race and finish for my daughter.

She may never grasp that this is an act of love, but moving to this location restores all that Jeff took away from her when he had his mental breakdown.

It's my way of trying to tell her how sorry I am beyond words.

I also feel like I can't put him to rest until I move. Every minute I race to job #2 or come home to a cramped, crowded space where Taylor and I have to crawl over and under furniture I hate him a bit more.

All signs point to him being evicted soon. I still bet he moves in with Jill in Coral Gables so he can further wrap his toxic tentacles into her life while living off of her luxury digs inherited from her own divorce.

And if she's that stupid (as I once was) than I think she deserves the inevitable outcome.

It appears I successfully released Lance. It's a shame because he was such a nice guy. Had I met him in another time and place - things could have been different. In this time and place, I'm just not ready for anything that comes with 'feelings'. Fun, detactched, carefree - that's more appealing. Someone who hangs out with me one night and then forgets to call me for a week or two. Perfect! Isn't it strange how post-pig-shit, Mr. Right has become Mr. Wrong and vice versa for me?

Roger seems to also be slowing down. Maybe my sister or her fiancee warned him to back off?

Fine by me.

I haven't stopped to consider how odd my relationship with Brad is, but from time to time things crop up. Brad is working for a major beer company and he visits local resataurants regularly for service. My restaurant is one of his accounts, so most of my co-workers know my ex-husband. They like him. One guy is pretty friendly with him and has gotten to know me and he asked why we were getting a divorce because we both seem great.

I told him Brad and I have a better divorce than most people have marriages. It's true. Somehow, even in divorce, we are once again the role model. How bizarre.

One thought lurks in the back of my mind. Although I feel nothing for Brad (like everyone else - I am numb to it) I do realize he is the one person on this earth that I am not afraid of. I can talk to him. I can tell him any and everything or we can just discuss the weather. In my newfound place of not trusting anyone, I now trust only him. We may not agree all the time, but I know he has my best interests at heart.

I regret ending my marriage.

I can do nothing to change it. The feelings aren't there for either of us and the way our lives work now, we don't fit in each other's worlds.

I'm still glad he's there as my friend.

Cry Me a River

Jeff tried to call me today and I didn't answer. I didn't want to talk to him.

I waited a bit, then text messaged him to ask what he needed.

He told me it's "not looking good" and that he hasn't been "paid". I asked what he was telling me this in regards to and he responded "paying you, paying rent, paying Dawn".

Hm. Really???

How about too fucking bad?

This man who spent MANY hundreds of dollars entertaining women over the past 3 months can't pay me, rent or his ex-wife? Before I moved out, I tallied up some of the receipts I was finding strewn on the bedroom floor on his side of the bed. He had no trouble taking Jill or women from the online personals he was meeting to Tarpon Bend or Mango's in Coral Gables for between $100 and $300 a pop several times a week. Or the City Cellar Wine Bar. Or the hotel room charges from where he took Jill to fuck her several times before I moved out. I'd say the total of money spent on women that I saw (not including what I did NOT see) totals well over what he owes rent, Dawn and me combined.

What a fucking crying shame...

Because I happen to know he's still blowing money on women.

Broke, huh?

Maybe - but not because of anything other than his own sense of fucked up priorities.

What about the money he just made selling a rare Pokemon card on ebay - one that may have come from Taylor's collection that I left there? I logged into ebay and was reviewing my own recent sales when I looked up his user ID and saw his recent sale of the card plus some of his ex's china. I am going through my list (I had started one because Taylor and I were listing some of the cards on ebay and I photographed about 50 of them) and if I find out it's one of hers, I will file a police report over it. If it's not Taylor's, I wonder where it did come from...because only Taylor and his kids collect the cards. Which kid did he steal the candy from? Mine or his own?

Perhaps quitting his job wasn't too bright. Taylor says he's sitting home every day when she gets home from school. Watching tv.

Meanwhile, I have had walking pneumonia since December 31st, am having 'other health issues directly related to him' and I'm working 6-7 days a week, 5 of which are 16 hour days - so cry me a fucking river over being broke.

That Damned Phone

So...Roger. That 'emotionally unattached' guy? The one my sister swears won't get all mushy and such on me?

He called me at midnight last night - just as I was crawling into bed (I hit "ignore") and then he called me at 6:40 am this morning...just as I was getting Taylor ready for school.

Yeah...

Just to say 'hi'.

Doesn't feel emotionally unattached. I think another one is about to bite the dust.

The Night in Short

I waited on a sports celebrity tonight - I won't name-drop, but he's a star player for the Miami Dolphins and has a long and prestigious NFL career. I knew who he was because every employee stopped me to be sure I knew who I was waiting on.

He was a great customer - polite, friendly, sweet and an excellent tipper (50% tip - woohoo!)

I didn't comment on 'who' he was. I was just as nice to him as to every other table.

I will say this...the boy can eat.

One last thing

I forgot to mention...

I took Taylor to a birthday party she was invited to yesterday. I thought it was a friend from school and when we arrived at the bowling alley they held it in, I was surprised to realize it was my former next door neighbor (who still lives next to Jeff) and most of the kids from that street.

The parents - most of whom I had never really talked much to - were amazing. They all wanted to know what the hell was going on. I just said Jeff and I had ended our relationship and I was looking for a new place. A few knew a bit because Taylor had mentioned things.

The opinions of Jeff were low across the board.

One mom said Jeff's boys used to come play with her boys when I lived there and she hadn't seen them since. She thought that was odd.

The neighbors commented on how he's never home or if he is at home, he has women over. Since they all just saw me move out, they can easily put 2 and 2 together.

One dad referred to him as a low-life.

Most of them have never spoken to Jeff or I much before because we were pretty quiet, but it's interesting to note that he's not popular among them. Apparently some...inappropriate behaviors (they didn't want to elaborate) were witnessed by the patio/pool area of our home with Jeff and a woman and one neighbor said they considering calling the police about it.

Hm. I rather wish they had.

Blogging Without Holding Back

I've considered posting a number of times today, but I'm cranky and I wondered if I wouldn't just post a bitchy diatribe and feel worse for it.

Additionally, I have trolls.

When I changed blogs, I didn't let very many people know where to find me. A few of you were told, but I kept it pretty quiet. I don't have blog links in my sidebar and I don't look for increased traffic. Thus, my readership is small (fine by me!) and I still have two trolls. Judging by ISPs and referral links, I know one is Dawn. The other I think I know who it is - and if it's who I think it is I am amazed this person is still reading.

So, after much consideration and the realization that I am finding myself holding back on posting in my diary, I weighed 2 options. A private journal for my eyes only or a password protected blog that only allows those I give permissions to read.

Since I do actually value input, advice and even criticism (when it's constructive and not simply a vague personal attack) - I would prefer to give permissions.

So, I am officially planning to switch this blog to a permissions-only blog. You will need to log in with a blogger id and have my permission to read. If you want access, email me at dramaqueenchristine@gmail.com. By the end of the month, latest, I will make the switch.

Moving on...

There are certain things I know about myself. I know, for example, that I am not a patient person. I throw myself wholeheartedly into things and expect to see almost immediate results. So, after 1 week, I am frustrated that my 2nd job has not made a major dent in fixing my life. I don't quit things easily, though, so I am going to keep fighting.

I'm sore - my back, my arms and my legs all hurt (won't I be in great shape?) and though I feel rested, my cold is still plaguing me.

I gave Lance the message that my focus remains on my move and my work at the moment. He's disappointed and I expect to hear from him less and less.

Roger isn't shakable at the moment. Being the best friend of my sister's fiancee means he's already met my family and they love him. Nevermind that he's STILL not my type - he's there whether I like it or not. He really is sweet. When he took me to dinner late Saturday night, he admitted to being nervous as hell and I laughed. I can't imagine a guy being nervous to take ME out to dinner. We went to Hard Rock and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe...and lo and behold we ran into my father. Dad knew we were going there and made it a point to call me to ask where I was. I told him I already knew that he knew exactly where I was and he laughed and asked us to stop and say hi. Later he told my sister how much he likes Roger. That figures.

Still, my focus remains on Taylor and I.

Pondering

Have I left him...or have I become him?

I continue to feel nothing. I went out with Roger last night and it was nice. I got tired around 11 from the cold and working so much and ended the night. He was disappointed, I was apologetic.

He says he understands. My sister swears he's not the type to get emotionally attached.

But...I'm not convinced. He's too...caring. He seems too interested in me as opposed to just having fun. I understand now that after a year with Jeff to have someone take an interest in what I want takes me aback. Jeff was so self-centered that I now feel invaded when someone is interested in my thoughts.

I think I pushed Lance back. Maybe away. I think I hope I did.

I'm cold. Not on the outside, but inside where it counts. I spend too much time wishing horrible fates on Jeff. I push myself so hard that people around me are worrying. They're moving from supportive to concerned. They think I am working too much, sleeping too little.

I've never been on my own before. I'm determined to do it right and well even if it means working 200 hours a week. I don't understand words like 'relax' anymore. I feel guilty when I am not at work. I can't relax until I move. Until I put my life back where it was before him. Hurricane Wilma was far less devastating than Jeff turned out to be but there will be a sense of pride when I restore my life without him.

Then I will relax once in awhile...but I will still have to work to move ahead.

Working is a drug to me. It's happened to me before and it's happening again. Work lets me focus on things other than my problems and I throw myself into it so hard that there is no room for anything else. I don't let myself feel tired or sore or overwhelmed. Hell, I am pretty sure if I stopped for a moment I would realize I am very, very sick right now but I keep moving and don't feel it.

I work tonight. I can't wait. I work every night until Wednesday. I may try to work Wednesday too. Then I am off Friday. I may try to work Friday too. I know it's too much, but
I can't stop. I've done this before - remember my gym addiction of 2004? I didn't want to deal with the marital problems between Brad and I so I began going to the gym 3 times a day to escape it. Forget drugs or alcohol...when I am trying to lose myself I become a force of perpetual motion. Like a shark I keep swimming so I don't die.

When I do pause for breath, I wait to see what I might feel. Like testing the waters - you dip in a toe and wait to see if it's cold or hot.

What I feel is frightening. Every moment, my hate for Jeff grows more and more powerful. I think part of why I push so hard to get my life back is to spite him. To say "Ha! I did just fine without YOU! Without ANYONE!" To stand in my own place and know I proved something to myself.

I daydream about horrible things happening to him. Some days I think if something really horrible happened to him I could feel happy again. The thoughts are ugly and dark and let me know just how much hate I have come to feel for him - so, I try to stay busy enough not to think.

It's time to move again.