The Power of Positive Thinking

Well, The Secret worked well for me last night. I decided before I entered work exactly how much money I wanted to make and told myself I was doing it. Period. I set the amount to a little higher than normal and then went so far as to increase it a little more.

Damned if I didn't make it too. It was down to the wire. By my last table I was still $19 short and the table before them left a miserably crappy tip (I hate serving college student when they pay with nickels and dimes...don't order a fucking $22 steak if you have to count nickels to pay for it)...well, my last table ran up a super bill on appetizers and beers and left me $30. Woohoo! I made not only what I wanted to make, but threw the host an extra tip for helping me and still left over my highest goal.

It was after midnight before I got home, but that was fine by me because I enjoyed the night. I had a great day because I decided to. My co-workers - all of whom have been aloof with me because they don't get along with my hot-headed sister - were all warm and sweet to me. Many of them wished me a happy birthday and one told me she was going to try to call me to sing to me but my sister told her I was trying to lay low...

Still, it was sweet.

I had to pick Taylor up myself with seconds to spare and take her to work with me where Brad was to pick her up. When Brad walked in, my manager called me and said "Hey, there's your boyfriend" I peeked and saw Brad and asked her why she would say that. She knows perfectly well that Brad and I are over.

"You guys aren't over. Why aren't you together? Look at how well you guys work together."

What's with the universal push to be with Brad?

I started to wonder on it. Later, I asked Brad about his night at the Sports Bar. I asked how many women he picked up...my thoughts were that if he said "none" I would point out that it was a shame because he was looking really sexy that night. Just a little testing flirt...

He said "One. The Swedish barmaid."

I kept my mouth shut. That answers that question.

Universe? You're wrong on this one.

So, my life in a nutshell...

I'm in a great mood. I've been pigging out lately and not gaining any weight. I'm on track with my budget. I feel great - great and positive mood. I am working hard and seeing progress. I feel good.

In talking to my sister yesterday I told her how great I felt. I finally realized that I do not need a man in my life to feel complete. I feel great alone. I feel good about myself and what I am doing and I have come to enjoy being on my own. I like being able to focus on me and Taylor.

When I dream of the future, I see me and Taylor in our home....watching tv, cooking and just relaxing. I don't feel like we're missing someone or like I need romance. I feel just fine!

I like that.

On MySpace, a man contacted me asking for a friend. I get a lot of those and ignore them, but this one struck a chord in me. He had just moved here and was in the middle of a divorce. His profile told the story. Dozens of pictures of his pretty wife and him - wedding pictures from 17 years ago, their children, comments on how his wedding day was his most missed memory and how much pain he was in. There were comments from the ex-wife too saying how he needed to find his own happiness beyond her. A lot of comments. It looks like she ditched him, but seems to enjoy keeping him in her grasp.

I knew exactly how he felt.

I responded to him I told him I wouldn't tell him "it will get easier" or that he "needs to learn to be on his own" or how much "stronger" he would become because I fucking hated when people said that to me. But I did understand what he felt. The truth is that it does get easier. You do learn to be on your own and you take pride in it. You do get stronger. But a freshly broken and bleeding heart doesn't want to hear that. They don't want easier. They don't want to be on their own or to enjoy it. They want what they lost back.

It's like trying to explain a subtle shade of blue to a blind man. They can not see it. They have to experience it firsthand. It can not be taught or shown. It comes from surviving.

I've survived.

I still hate Jeff. I can laugh at him now even if tears still sting my eyes. He's pathetic. All the people who have loved him always come to hate him. Because he's unworthy of loving. He's a horrible person who destroys everyone he touches and it's a crime that he's allowed to walk among humanity. He is pure evil. He is incapable of emotions, guilt or remorse - as a true psychopath/sociopath. He is only capable of manipulation. He cannot change and he doesn't want to. He likes it this way and knows nothing different.

There's a Blue October song (of course there is!) that makes me think of him and how he does or should think...

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues,
I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity

And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally
And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the girl, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?

Sadly, I still wish he were dead. I realize how horrible that sounds, but it's true. He contributes nothing but evil and misery and lies to this world and I think the world would be a nicer place if he were dead.

Ok, back to positive thinking.

My life is going well. I know my house is coming and I know I will walk in that door knowing that I worked damned hard to earn it and that I deserve it. I have friends and family that love me deeply. I have the best kid in the world. I have a lot going for me and I am enjoying my life. Sure, I am struggling now - but it is making me stronger and I am learning so much from it all.

It's all coming together for me and I can take pride in knowing it wasn't luck or help - it was me. I did this. Alone.