Uncanny

I've been struggling today. I have been pleased with my decision to remain alone and single for 2007. More than pleased - resolved. MistyBlue reminded me that extra friends are never a bad thing but I can honestly say that I want to spend this year alone.

And I have felt better for it.

Brad tried to discuss it with me. I told him I had become jaded. He told me not to let a slug like Jeff do that to me and I gently reminded him that it wasn't just Jeff. Brad hurt me too. Sure, in the end I unintentionally evened the score and then some, but he did hurt me. Not as deeply. Not as much. Still, hurt. I told Brad I didn't believe in love. He told me it would take time.

I told him I don't want to believe in love. Life is easier without it.

In the beginning, I was lonely. Very lonely. I kept hearing the line from "While You Were Sleeping" in my head: "Have you ever been so alone that you spent the night confusing a man in a coma?" and I understood perfectly.

Then I began to enjoy my own company. And Taylor's company. And being alone stopped being painful, but rather something easy and smooth. I can count on myself.

So I have been rather irked that I agreed to go on this date tonight.

You'd think I would just cancel, right?

Not so much. Because...well, it's weird. Lance has an uncanny way of talking to me. He makes me smile. He sends me a message at the exact moment I am wondering why I agreed to go. He says something every time that makes me feel like he knows exactly what I am thinking.

Brad was like that. Brad always knew exactly what I was thinking. Jeff didn't really care.

There's this tiny alarm bell in my head saying "Don't go". Don't go because...what? Another disappointment? Or...don't go because he already has a small way to connect to me?

Why on earth would I go on a date when I am dead-set against a connection? Why would I meet someone new when all I want is to STAY alone?

I do not want to get all dressed up, spend an hour or so with some new loser and go home hating men more than I already do.

I do not want to struggle with the small talk all the while wondering how this guy will let me down.

I do not want anyone to "get to know" me.

I do not want to think about anyone else for awhile.

So, why am I going?