So, this is 34...Taylor, Tarot and Lead Singers I am in Love with

Brad brought Taylor into the restaurant for dinner last night and I was so excited to see her. I hovered in the front lobby like a nervous prom date watching out the windows and I was practically hopping when they walked in.

I waited on them and loved getting to be near my daughter for a bit. Even though I asked him not to, Brad tipped me.

The moment they left - the craziness began. For a Tuesday, we were slamming busy. I ran my ass off and made pretty good money for the night. My body aches like hell this morning - my back, my ribs, my legs are all sore and tight but I keep telling myself it's exercise. Like the sore you feel after the gym - and I embrace it. I can ignore that pain because every person I serve a drink to is another few dollars towards my goal of moving.

In reviewing my budget, I am hopeful. I am still on track and this week actually begins the time when money truly accumulates in my account. All the other items are paid and from here on, my $ grows in the bank on top of my bills.

When I came home last night, I had a small gift bag on my bed and a card from Taylor. She got me Season 1 of The Office on dvd. I loved it. Her card told me how much she loves me and that I was her best friend and her mom - she added "I know you didn't want to celebrate your birthday but I hope you will let yourself enjoy it anyway". That child is far too mature but I worship the ground she walks on.

I have never loved my daughter the way I have come to love her the past few months. We have grown so much closer that I feel like an amputee when she isn't with me. She is my rock. She is my best friend.

It doesn't feel like a special day, but the birthday thing is in my face just the same. On the way to drop Taylor off at school, the dj on the morning radio show I listen to was celebrating his birthday too. Then as I passed the tollbooth on the highway I was handed a flyer wishing the Florida Turnpike a Happy 50th! with birthday candles on the page and an offer for 50% off a SunPass unit (I was meaning to get one, so happy birthday to me). Came home to an inbox full of "Happy Birthday" Ads including a free 11-card tarot reading.

So, I did it. Here's the outcome:

Self: Judge well and wisely; you are the one with the final say.The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now. The King of Swords in this position stands for fairness and even handed treatment. He settles disputes, assists in the resolution of conflicts and mediates. Bringing analytical and interrogative skills to bear on whatever the current drama may be, the King of Swords is by consent of his community the impartial adjudicator. He works hard to maintain that reputation and that position. Patient listening and penetrating questions are his signature, and those qualities are just what are presently being asked of you. (Note: Ok, I can see that I am sometimes fair...this one confuses me a bit, but I can see some insight in it)

Higher Power: The exceptional circumstances that surround you are the natural result of pure motives and hard work.The card in the Higher Power position reflects the broader perspective and influence of your conscience, Guardian Angel, inner wisdom. Higher Power is blessing you with a shower of rewards. Relax and absorb them. Acknowledge that you deserve it. Let your self-image be enhanced by what the outer world and your spiritual guides are telling you. They are happy with your performance, the value you bring to the world and the optimism you stimulate in others. You are serving as a shining role model. Whatever you touch turns to gold. Even though such a state can't be maintained forever, the residual effect of these blessings will help you deal with the new temptations, challenges and twists of fate. (Note: Hard work? Yep, got that. Still waiting for those rewards!!!)

Foundation: You have evidence of transformation that others cannot even imagine.The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background. Temperance in this position suggests that in the past you either witnessed or experienced spontaneous healing or a supposedly impossible regeneration. You have experienced some kind of radical transformation -- from a fallen or a diseased state to a healthy, upbeat, creative and progressive one. This is a tremendous resource to draw upon. Evoke that role model from your personal history and use it to strengthen yourself whenever healing is called for. (Note: This one is eerie...this one makes a believer of me)

Recent Past: The satisfaction gained by previous team efforts energizes your will to contribute, and you enjoy knowing that you are a valuable player.The card in the Recent Past position refers to events that are just departing, recently influential but now diminishing in power. With the Four of Wands in this position, you have experienced success and enjoyed the fruits of a rewarding team effort. As your sense of individualism gave way to the friendly stimulation of creative partnership, your worldview changed. The concept of interactive community is no longer simply a theory but has a chance to become reality. You now see the amplifying power of joining with others of like mind. Store these satisfying feelings so you can draw upon them later; they will sustain you in the long run. Willing team members are assembled for whatever might be the next creative project (Note: Huh???)

The Situation: A persuasive, responsive style induces cooperation and high achievement.The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time. When the Queen of Wands falls in this position, a motherly, take charge force in your environment is managing and organizing all the players. This feminine symbol represents a persuasive, emotionally available style as opposed to more forceful, traditionally masculine methods. This managerial influence is inducing good behavior by holding a high standard and embodying it, urging everyone to make his or her greatest effort. The Queen of Wands is a zealous worker who brooks no opposition and can overshadow the efforts of others. Even though it is true that this person can be manipulative, she truly inspires people to do their best. (Note: Me?)

Challenges/Opportunities: Champion your own needs; put some distance between yourself and those who would hamper your progress.The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones. With the Queen of Swords in this position, improve your ability to balance your needs against the pressures of other people's expectations. To turn this challenge into an opportunity, develop some enthusiasm for spending more time with yourself, making the pivotal decisions in your own life, and living directly with the consequences of your choices. Become your own best advocate. To help you accomplish this goal, shorten the list of people and circumstances that have the power to distract you or divert your energy. Define your boundaries. State your goals. Start acting on your own behalf. (Note: Yeah, this makes sense and pretty much illustrates my course)

Near Future: You are on the verge of fulfilling your grand plan.The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies. With the Ten of Cups in this position, it appears as if the wandering tribe finally found the resting place where it can build and cultivate the land. There is a sense of homecoming and fulfillment. Imagine a gigantic celebration where everyone from elders to children converge, giving and receiving love freely. Together they gleefully catch up on each other's stories and enjoy the sense of bonding they've been missing. During this upcoming experience you will feel slightly sentimental as your heart is opened and filled. It's a time of gratitude and rewards for labors well done. (Note: Damn, I hope so...)

Blocks & Inhibitions: Don't fear getting involved; you would regret inaction later.The card in the Blocks position points to self-undermining tendencies, areas where you could be in denial, where you could get stuck -- unless you examine yourself and make some corrections. This card is traditionally entitled a Page, but in some modern decks as Princess. In this position, this card indicates that you may be resisting your responsibility to mediate a situation and bring clarity to opposing groups. This resistance may result from feelings of estrangement or disconnection from those involved. You may be understandably afraid of standing between such volatile parties. Fear, however, is not a justification for failing to do what you are called upon to do. If you don't get involved you will regret your inaction later. Everyone will be grateful that you squared your shoulders and did what needed to be done rather than looked the other way. (Note: Hahahahaha! Gee, do you think this card is addressing my new reluctance to get close to anyone? "feelings of estrangement or disconnection"? "understandably afraid"?)

Allies: Take advantage of an opportunity to fully experience the love that is available right now.The card in the Allies position points to people who can be supportive or helpful to you at this time. The Two of Cups in this position suggests that there is someone in your life who understands you in a special way. If that person is not yet your partner, if you don't think of each other as a team, then it's time to start moving towards one another. Perhaps you have ruled this person out, even though the interpersonal communication between you feels just right. Maybe something in the world of form or appearances is difficult for you to accept. Often people deprive themselves of love because it doesn't come in the exact package (age, looks, economic status) they think it should. Don't let that kind of thinking continue to limit you. Whatever the issue it is something to be reconciled in your own mind. Only then will you be able to let yourself participate fully in this glorious exchange. Say yes to your heart. (Note: Damn...did we all just think of the exact same person? Nice try, Tarot, but I can't see THAT happening...still....that was creepy. Even creepier I was just on the phone with him reading these cards and he had to hang up to do some work, Good thing he hung up before I reached THIS card. Weird. Nice thought, just not possible.)

Advice: Call your family together to support you and trust that the results will be just what you need.The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible. The Three of Cups in this position advises that you connect with your family and fully inform them about what's going on with you. Let them add substance to your ideas with their talent and imagination. Think of this occasion as a barn raising, where their support helps you make quick work of a big job. There may be something here for everyone to contribute. Put yourself in the loving hands of your family connections and your trust will be rewarded. The synergy between you could enhance each individual's talent and creativity. You will love the results! (Note: Um...they don't know my family, do they? Actually, my sister and I have never been closer and I think my family respects me for how hard I am working right now to fix my life.)

Long-Term Potential: Develop your skills in healing conflicts.The card in the Long-term Potential position points to unknowns still taking shape. It is the "wild card" yet to be played. With the Knight of Cups (in some decks, a Prince) in this position, you have what it takes to become an effective mediator, one who can bring forth healing. This Knight heals the rift between generations and restores bonds between people whose communication has suffered. He mends the ripped fabric of family relations and missed connections. In his humility, he is the first to recognize his own mistakes, misunderstandings and self-involvement. You have the opportunity to serve well using the wisdom you have gained on your outward journeys. Be a warrior of the open heart and help others to own the strength of their love (Note: Ay, ay, ay. Is this one referring back to my Allies card? Or something else?)

In other news, I am in love. I have a total crush. A major crush. Justin Furstenfeld. Lead singer of Blue October. Yes, I know he's married...and that he has a history of trouble and mental illness (am I attracted to that, or what?) and I know he wears more eye make-up than I do but I don't care. His lyrics speak to the core of my soul and I am madly and passionately in love. Justin writes songs from his heart and I understand every one of them way too much. I'm sure he's my long lost soulmate. Too bad about the married thing. I'm not going near a married man again, I can tell you that. Come to think of it, the mental illness should be a deterrent too, but it's not. This is about as Tiger Beat as it gets...I am 34 and have a crush on a lead singer.

So, Justin - if you're out there and you happen to stumble across this? I get you, hon.

I also spent a good part of my St Petersberg/Jannus Landing concert/trip staring at him on stage and lusting deeply. He has this amazing way of connecting with the audience and I felt like he tried to make eye contact with every person watching him and when his eyes landed on mine as he sang, I was freaking weak-kneed. Whew...that is one damned sexy guy but to be honest, I'd be lusting even if he were a short, fat, midget because when I play my Blue October cd I feel like there's one person in the world who gets me too.

I swear, even in my half-dead emotional state, here is a male who reaches me. Now if I could just find one like him in person, I think I could wake up again.

Gee, that's putting up a safety net, isn't it? Saving myself for a rock star?

Hey. Whatever it takes. Justin's wife is one lucky girl. Those eyes just dissolve me.

Drool over Justin and those sexy eyes yourself and promise me as a birthday present you will vote his video Into the Ocean as #1 on VH-1 by clicking here to watch it - remember to vote it #1!!!

So, see? On my 34th birthday I actually reverted in maturity to having major crushes on unattainable lead singers.

Perfect.