I'm not dead, just floating

Well...it's official. I feel like crap.

It's amazing how much strength it takes to breathe. Earlier I was actually too tired to even watch my TIVO. I am sick, tired and cranky.

I am, however, determined to feel better by 5 so I can spend a great night with Taylor. We're going to the Circus.

I have preliminary approval through my realtor on a move back to the city I just moved out of. It's expensive, but I figure that I work 2 jobs for a reason. All that's needed now is to find the right place and get landlord approval. I have my eye on a townhouse at the top of my budget range, but it's available NOW and I can't afford to move until closer to March/April.

I have two men who are hoping to see me this weekend and, truth be told, I don't really want to see either. Lance and Roger. Lance is sweet and attentive and dying to be good to me but I suspect I am not ready to be THAT close to anyone and Roger is fun, but nowhere near a candidate for anything serious and HE seems to think he 'feels something between us'. I told him he was mistaken.

I just don't want to hurt anyone.

I feel conflicted. I know I am living behind a giant wall of ice right now and I feel safe and cold in my little igloo world, but I have to admit that a part of me wishes the right man with lots of chemistry would show up and be determined to thaw me out and bring me back to life.

Where do you suppose he is?

I'm not lonely. I have more than my share of male attention. I just know what it will take for a man to 'reach' me and I have to admit that I don't think there will ever be anyone who can do it. I'm more afraid of being an 'ice-queen' for life than of being alone.

Some time ago, a frequent reader/troll snarked me in comments suggesting I was bragging about my looks or about men. I didn't bother to address it because it struck me as funny. I certainly don't think I am this super hot woman. Why the hell would I openly blog about my weight and dress size if I were an ego-chick? I don't brag about male attention either - I am as surprised by it as anyone. I suppose being in a relationship my entire life gave me a 'hands off' vibe and now that I'm unattached, I am surprised that men are fairly readily available to me. Great guys, hot guys, so-on - but still not the right guy. It's not a matter of bragging, I just talk openly.

It's not as if I write "I am so hot, so many men want me, yadda yadda yadda".

I don't think I am a man magnet. Hell, I'm relieved that I'm not because I'm not really sure what to do with the men I DO attract right now. It's like playing with a puppy in a pet store - you bond, you adore, you are thrilled that the puppy adores you but you know you just can't take it home.

I don't think I am gorgeous. I think I am passable. I don't think every man wants me. I think I am surprised by how many men actually do. I have two men IMing me as I write this and it's more distracting than enjoyable.

In fact, it's time to lie down again. Sorry for the lame post.