Changed

When I was younger and more naive I would hear songs, see movies, read books about the kind of love that is so powerful it could literally change you. Change your life.

I dreamt of it.

Today, both older and wiser - I am horrified. I did know that kind of love - it was what I felt for Jeff and it did change me. Why on earth was I so foolish as to believe that the change would be a good one?

I'm not even recognizable as the girl I was a year ago. Or two years ago.

I think I mentioned that Brad works for a major beer company and the restaurant I work part-time (part-time??? Hah!) at is one of his accounts. He dropped by yesterday and was chatting with the staff and mentioned that his ex-wife (me) worked there now and asked how I was doing.

He was stumped by the responses...

"She seems really nice, she's just VERY quiet."

"She never talks to anyone, but she's nice"

"Is she really shy? I tried to talk to her and she was polite, but I couldn't get a word out of her!"

Brad was flabbergasted. Quiet. Shy. Withdrawn. These are things no one has ever known me as. My co-workers would be stunned to hear that I was once renowned for feather boas and tiaras. That I was the most outgoing girl in any workplace. That I have been known to dance on a stage and "Dancing Queen" was my personal theme song. They would never believe I was always the ringleader organizing fun things to do and gathering crowds to do them with.

I suppose that was when it hit Brad how much all of this has affected me. I couldn't pick my 'old' self out of a line-up today.

The truth is that now I am quiet. I don't like talking to people. I am withdrawn. I don't want anyone to get close to me. From the moment I open my eyes until I finally lie back down at night, my every second is about what I have to do and there is no room for anything I might want to do.

Honestly, if I had a spare minute I wouldn't know what to do with it.

I'm not complaining, it just makes me a bit sad to realize how much this god-awful piece of shit affected me. He took away more than my home, my belongings, my heart - he took away me.

What really pisses me off (and hurts like hell) is that he feels no remorse for it. He's not even sorry. What he did to me was calculated and planned from the start. He admits that he used me. He admits that he never loved me. He did this in cold blood. Those are the thoughts that make me want to kill him.

Once, I was described as vivacious, full of life and laughter. Today I am this quiet shadow that lurks around silently.

There are moments when I honestly question why this man is allowed to live. He's a force of evil and doesn't deserve to breathe.

The walls around me seemed to go up overnight and now they're insurmountable. They keep the world outside. They keep anyone from getting too close. I was an open book. Now if someone asks me what my favorite color is, I cringe inside and feel like they're getting too personal.

I feel so lost. I have no idea what I want anymore. I don't want him back (at least not until they legalize murder). I don't want a boyfriend or a lover. I don't want new friends. I just want to get a new place to live and be left alone. Taylor and I. No one else. I don't want to fall in love again. I'm not even sure that I can.

Yes, I have become a tragic figure.

In the distant past, when I was sad or hurt I used to envision myself as this closed-off, guarded, tragic figure. I would even try to be quiet when I was hurt, but it never lasted more than a few hours. My natural 'bubbliness' would spill over and I'd be laughing and joking and wide-open again.

I never knew I could actually become that person.

I used to read books or see movies and envision myself as the leading woman. When she found love, my heart soared with hers. When the hero swept her away, I would believe that my own hero would come. Now I no longer read and when I see a movie like this I feel happy for her, but I no longer wish it was me.

People say it takes time to heal. But am I healing? I know I get stronger, but I am not sure it is stronger in a good way. I get stronger at pushing people away. I am stronger with walls to lock the world away from me (or lock myself inside). But is that really better?

Time is passing but I don't see myself "healing". Rather I see myself becoming more and more closed off every day. I wonder if I have already crossed the point of no return where no one will ever reach me again.

If not, I suspect it's not far off.

I wish I could even say that I want to change. That I want to be that happy and vibrant girl who loved life again.

But it's not true. There is safety here in my tiny world. I'm not even lonely - I'm just...

I don't know how to finish that sentence. I do know that I don't sit around longing for someone to be with me or to talk to me. Hell, I have Blogger for that. I ramble on here, a few of you comment and my interaction with the world is complete for the day.

I just thought of how to finish my sentence. I'm not lonely. I'm just changed.

Do I blame Jeff for it? Absolutely. I feel like what he did should be a crime.

I feel like there is no justice in a world where he can take away my soul - the very essence of who I was and go unpunished. In a sense, didn't he kill me? The girl I was is dead and gone - why is that not a capital crime? Why is there no satisfaction or closure in seeing him hang for it?

His very existence disturbs me.