A Smarter Girl Than Me
A smarter girl than me would never have let someone like jeff into my life. She would have realized his past IS who he IS as a person and never believed the "it's different with you" bullshit. She would never have trusted a man who has never been trustworthy. She would never have fallen for lines, lies and promises that were broken again and again.
A smarter girl than me would have held onto a husband who fucked up, but was genuinely sorry and loved her. He was there for her. He knew her in ways no one else ever could. He would have stood by her through the end of time. It was real. It was probably the only real thing I ever had.
A smarter girl than me would never have let herself be swept away, manipulated and mutilated.
Yes. I have come to realize I was wrong to let go of Brad. Very wrong.
And yes, it is too late.
The things I went through have changed me. The person I am now is a far cry from the girl Brad loved and reconciliation is impossible. I was lucky he fell in love with me once. To imagine he could fall in love again with a different me despite the mistakes I have made would be like imagining the that tomorrow I will wake up and tears really will become currency with which I can be a multi-zillionaire.
The odds of finding what I once had are beyond impossible.
So, not really much point in looking.
I'm not pining for Brad. I still lack the ability to really feel anything but pain. I keep myself sedated with work and goals and anger because they dull the pain underneath. If I were to stop the self-sedation it would be like open-heart surgery and a hysterectomy without any anethesia.
I'm not ready to feel anything yet. When I do, I imagine it will hurt like hell.
Still, I accept my mistakes and I give up on love. I played the game and lost and I am out of the tournament.
You only get one "once in a lifetime" and I blew mine. What's left is to just be a good mom and hopefully a better person who is a little wiser, a little stronger and certainly a little sadder.
A smarter girl than me would have known better than to date Satan.
1 comment:
You need to give yourself a second chance and stop beating yourself up over jeff's behavior. It's easy to be irresistible when you don't have the "baggage" that comes with years of being together. And if you can lie with conviction and not be concerned about who gets hurt. Even if he wasn't concerned about you or Brad, what he did was bad for Taylor.
You don't need to be the same person you were back when you first met Brad. You just need to be the best person you can be today. It's not a quest for the old Christine but a search for the new and improved Christine. You have acknowledged your mistakes and learned whatever lessons you can from it. Remember the past; but don't dwell on it.
When it comes to love, you are never out of the tournament. If you believe in yourself, other people will too. Who's to say that you only get one "once in a lifetime"? Some people settle and never find the one. Others met more than their fair share. January is gone and February has begun. Just stay on schedule (financially) and don't look back.
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