...ow

Ow.

There's not a part of me - inside or out - that does not hurt right now. To date, I have worked 77 hours this week. And it's the 3rd week in a row I have clocked in 80 hours or more. My back hurts. My shoulders hurt. My legs hurt. My feet, my arms. My gums hurt. My kidneys hurt. I wish I were exaggerating, but I actually left about 4 things off because - well - they're not pretty.

My heart hurts.

The Secret did it again. An unexpected and unexplainable $20 check arrived in the mail today from my phone company. I set a goal for work tonight that I would not leave with less than $80 - a serious stretch since they had me working the patio and it was predicted to get rainy and cold tonight.

I made $80 on one table. A nearly 50% tip on a party of 12 that ran my ass ragged for 2 hours. With my other tables and a few generous tip outs to those that helped me, I left for the night with about $110 in my pocket. I credit The Secret. That shit works...

It was a rough day, but for everything, my outlook is still positive.

I woke at 7 am to get up, get Taylor and head off for a tire appointment. Instead, my body had other plans and I was sick to the point of crawling to the bathroom. Late night Checkers hamburger did not agree with me. I crawled back to bed whimpering and when I called the tire place to say I was running late they told me that my tire was on backorder and to wait until next weekend. More sleep. Thank God.

I slept another 40 minutes than got up and felt all better. I grabbed Taylor and a Cappucino Blast from Dunkin Donuts and ran my errands. Jackass, I mean jeff sent me an instant message demanding his mp3 player back. Dickhead. I left it on the doorstep, pounded 3 hard raps on the door and drove away before he answered it. The fact that he is still alive annoys me.

After my errands, Taylor and I played a game of Laser Tag. I kicked ass. My usual code name of "Rogue Red" was on top, but I thought of a new name after. Phoenix. As in Phoenix Rising - the bird who emerges from ashes stronger?

A few more 'have-to's' and Taylor and I returned home to make 100 white chocolate roses for Valentine's Day. My sister and I plan to pass them out to our tables with the hopes of extra tips.

Taylor and I drove past my future townhouse. The for rent sign still up. It waits for me. I know it does.

My mind is content that I am on track and moving towards my goals. Everything else hurts. My body has been pushed past it's limits and my heart...well, that's still in pieces.

It's odd that I am torn between wanting a partner I can just love and feel close to and not wanting to let anyone new near me. I have no time or energy to put towards falling in love and I know that it would scare the absolute crap out of me but I do miss having someone to love. Not necessarily someone to be there for me, I know now I can take care of myself - but just someone to love beyond me and Taylor. Someone to miss. Someone to smile over.

I mean it when I say that I don't need anyone, that I don't want anyone. I mean it when I say that I won't ever let anyone close enough to hurt me again - - -

...but I miss having someone to feel something for.

Tomorrow I work the night, but I have no plans and no reason to wake up at any specific time. I am seriously looking forward to falling asleep and not setting an alarm.

Tomorrow, for a few hours, I rest.

I know things will get better. I know this is something I have to go through.

If The Secret works this well for my goals, I can imagine applying it to finding love again. But not just yet.

I'm not ready. I may never be. I do know that right now I am not ready.