...And we swing

Even with focusing on the positive, occasionally the negative tries to creep in.

When I am tired, when my hormones are up my emotions are close to the surface. I suppose this is one of those moments, so despite being exhausted I wanted to 'blog it out' of my head.

I miss things. I miss being in love. I can honestly say I do not miss Jeff - I still wish he were dead. But I miss being able to love someone and to curl up against them.

I had a good night at work. Once again I set my goal and once again I beat it. My bills and budget are all in line and I am still on track for my plans to move.

My feelings are confusing. On one hand, I am so busy that I just do not have time for anyone, much less a love. My heart is still broken and if you thought I had trust issues before - now I am rock solid...I will not let anyone close to me. I am an exercise in frustration for men.

I sometimes wish there was someone - not a new someone, not a specific someone - just a warm body to come home and curl up with. Someone to feel wrap their arms around me. At the same time, I can't handle anyone being that close.

Someone to trust in.

My hatred for Jeff grows. I am incapable of reflecting on our relationship - or the past year in general because I hate myself for having loved him. I am ashamed to have loved such a monster. I still wish I could say that I never really loved him, but I did. I was so wrong. I was so mislead. I still can not understand how I was so stupid.

In my heart, I have to believe there is someone for me somewhere, someday. I have to believe I will love again.

So much more carefully.

Taylor is spending the night at Brad's and although I pick her up first thing in the morning to spend the afternoon with her, I suspect her absence is part of my sadness tonight. The drive home was long and I tried so hard to refocus myself and find the postive place again. Still, I came home and cried. Not for any specific reason. It's cold outside and my tears feel so hot.

The happy thoughts that help to recenter myself are when I think about the new house with Taylor or when I focus on how proud I am that I have been working so hard. I am proud of myself - maybe for the first time.

Tomorrow will be a good day. I believe that.

I have to.