Stress

I made it home tonight after my first solo night at work in time to tuck Taylor in. I felt good about that.

I hate that Brad's having to help so much with watching her but I believe I am doing the right thing. I hate not seeing her. I hate missing her.

It's hard. Sometimes I have to remind myself why I am working so hard. I've lost all track of time. I have worked every day without a break since last Tuesday (7 days) including 3 sixteen hour days and I have 2 more 16 hour days to go before a small break (meaning only an 8 hour day).

It is helping keep my mind busy though.

Jeff's reaction to my news was pretty much what I expected. Gee, that's too bad. Good luck with that. That Jill's a lucky, lucky girl...

My feelings for Jeff have shifted. I see him more now for what he is. I no longer see anyone I could love in him. I hate him for what he did to me and my daughter and I am glad to be rid of him.

I watched the movie Hope Floats today and saw a lot of my life in that movie too.

Birdee Pruitt: I would have stayed with you forever. I would have turned myself inside out for you.

Bill Pruitt: Birdee, I wouldn't have let you! People grow. They change. They have to!

Birdee Pruitt: You think that I don't know that? I know that I'm not what I once was. I know that! But I haven't changed so much, that I would go and lie to someone that I love. God, I would walk through fire before I'd let them feel like they were nothing! And I would never break up anybody's home. Because I am not a quitter. I care about my family! I may not be the same person, but then again, neither are you. You're sad, you're weak, and you're... shorter. If you want to know the truth.

Bill Pruitt: I'm in love with Connie. And this is my chance for a fresh start, and I'm taking it, I'm sorry!

Birdee Pruitt: Then you should take it. If that's how you feel then you should take it. You and Connie deserve each other. You were lucky to have me. But you know what? I think I already got the best part of you. And she's standing right out there, and she's waiting for me. I don't know... what's left just doesn't look so good anymore.

Yep...I see a lot of similarities...it sure would be sweet to have Justin (Harry Connick Jr) trying to get my heart beating again though!

Jill can have him. He was lucky to have me. He'll use the same tired lines (I mean 'lies') on her as he has the rest of us and one day she'll figure him out too.

I wonder, sometimes, what would have happened if I had not ended it. How long would he have kept me in the dark? How long would he have strung me along? How long would I be taking care of his dry-cleaning and cooking and kids and trying to keep him focused and strong while he skirted around behind my back? Would I have become Dawn someday? 10 years down the road, oblivious to what he does when I am looking the other way?

It's no secret that I don't like Dawn, but I was fond of the kids. I hope Dawn living with her new boyfriend will be a better influence on those boys than Jeff is. He's taught those kids all wrong. Dawn should be careful too - Jeff doesn't exactly work in objectivity. He always said the boys would hate Dawn when they grew up and from time to time he made nasty comments that I would get upset over when referring to her in front of (or to) them.

I'm lucky that Brad and I have respect for one another.

I suppose I am lucky I stood up and ended it. It damn near killed me, but it was the smartest thing I ever did.

All that's left is the anger and disgust now. Love does die. (Particularly when it's beaten, bruised, slaughtered and molested).

So...men.

Lance is a doll. He has the personality to be very good to me. He's attentive and kind and I think he'd be wonderful. Still, my dead heart isn't beating for him and when he kissed me today my world wasn't rocked.

Roger - I am still soft enough to feel badly for ignoring him. My sister swears he's got a major crush on me and I know I will see him again because of her. He's still not my type, but I may call him just to be friendly and not make future encounters awkward.

I don't want to find a man. I have no time for one if I did. Still...watching Hope Floats at least clued me in to the sort I would need. Someone who understands that I got hurt pretty badly and that it's going to take patience, a slow, but determined, hand and a strong spine to get through to me.

And he has to be really cute...

I think it's time to settle for the night and curl up with my Tivo....

Tivo. The working, single mom's best friend.