Tip Toe

With my house approval, I find myself tense and tip toeing through my minutes. I am extremely tired after a difficult night.

Work last night was fun. The Tuesday night staff is my favorite shift. We're all playful and somehow the combination adds to a lot of teasing and laughing. The same people behave differently on other shifts when other people are there. One guy is a riot to work with until the girl he semi-dates is there and then he is tense and stressed and invisible.

But we had fun last night. It was still slow and I made the money I wanted to make by the skin of my teeth but still didn't make up for Sunday and Monday's slow shifts. I have 2 shifts left before Saturday morning and I need to bring in $188 dollar to make my goals. I work tonight and Friday night.

Friday night should be good for a minimum of $85. Tonight is really only good for about $65 at best. That leaves me short by $30. I am tempted to pick up a shift for tomorrow night but I really need to start my packing and I know I will be pushing complete exhaustion at that point. I'll have to see how it plays out. I'm not sure where else I can cut a corner or draw money from. I have enough right now to move according to budget but it's so close that I have to admit I am tense. A minor deviation can throw me off...

When I get like this I start to forget being tired and focus on money. I see every table sat and mentally calculate their worth to me. Ohhh, 3 people at table 82? That's at least $8 - $10. At the end of the night I am less aware of how much more money I need than what I need to be sat. If I am short $15 by 8:30 I might beg the host to get me sat another 3 or 4 person table to make it. Whatever it takes.

I need not only to have the money to move, but to be organized enough to make the move go smoothly. I have lists upon lists (ironically, Jeff would be so proud since he was a list-maker and I was always just wanting to go for it freestyle).

Speaking of Jeff.

Our civil communication continues. I have to be honest here...I know that it's not a friendship, not a renewal of love, not a rebound and not deep. I know that. I also know he still has the ability to affect me and make me think about him - but I can say that I maintain I would NEVER be with him again.

Having said that, this basic email only communication does tend to ease my feelings a lot. I am no longer hateful, angry or bitter. For some reason, this makes me feel better. I feel more peaceful. Maybe this is what will help me to move on. The bizarre thing is that when I am not spending my day hating him and wishing him dead I find that I have him on my mind less and I feel all-over better.

The song I posted last night suits to a t. I sure hope I don't break down here. The light at the end of a long, painful and difficult tunnel is within sight and I may be low on gas but I am praying I will make it and not falter on my course. My situation is just delicate enough that a stumble could alter the course.

I may not have done this with grace, even dignity or style - but damnit, I have survived this. The end is in sight...please just let me get to this finish line...

...then I can set the next goals...

I'd Sure Hate to Break Down Here

Mile marker 203
The gas gauge leaning on the edge of E
I’ll be danged if the rain ain’t pouring down
There's something smoking underneath the hood
It’s a bangin’ and a clangin’ and it can’t be good
And its another 50 miles to the nearest town
Everything I own is in the back in a hefty bag
I’m outta cigarettes and I’m down to my last drag

I’d sure hate to break down here
With nothing up ahead or in the rear view mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere, knowin
I’m in trouble if these wheels stop rollin’
So God help me keep me moving somehow
Don’t let me start wishing I was with him now
I made it this far without crying a single tear
I’d sure hate to break down here

A hundred fifty thousand miles ago
Before the bad blood and busted radio
You said I was all you’d ever need
Love is blind and little did I know
You were just another dead end road
Paved with pretty lies and broken dreams
Baby leaving you is easier than being gone
I don’t know what I’ll do if one more thing goes wrong

I’d sure hate to break down here
With nothing up ahead or in the rear view mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere knowin
I’m in trouble if these wheels stop rollin’
So God help me keep me moving somehow
Don’t let me start wishing I was with him now
I made it this far without crying a single tear
I’d sure hate to break down here

I’d sure hate to break down here
With nothing up ahead or in the rear view mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere knowin
I’m in trouble if these wheels stop rollin’
So God help me keep me moving somehow
Don’t let me start wishing I was with him now
I made it this far without crying a single tear
I’d sure hate to break down
It’s too late to turn around
I’d sure hate to break down here

Danger, Will Robbins, Danger!

Aha...I am being tested.

I'm not ready for this. I'm not strong enough. I'm not emotionally ready for this. I'm 30 days from my move and one slip could cost me everything I have worked so hard to gain in the past 4 months.

I have two issues in front of me.

1. Jeff is back. He's sorry. He's single. He isn't trying to get back together, but there are email exchanges between us. He's trying to find himself, find solutions, find a job and I am just stupid enough to keep offering to listen or help. I realize now how easily he can manipulate me even if he's not trying to do just that...I respond to him still. He still has control of me. He still can get reactions from me. I am not sitting here wishing for him back - I can't do that - but in a few emails I find myself free of anger and feeling friendly and wanting to help him.

He is beyond skilled at what he does to people. He is almost Jedi-Mind-Trick skilled. He tells you his pain and then softly rebukes your offers of help which seem to only inspire you to want to help that much more. He paints himself as hopeless and when you begin to want to help him he paints a newer picture of hope for himself. One moment you feel needed, the next you feel as though you are cheering him on. How he does this is beyond me and I'll be perfectly honest - it scares the hell out of me.

I have 30 days of running into him. I haven't seen him since December and he hasn't seen me. In 30 days he could change my life all over again if I let my guard down and he's already gotten back into my life with hardly any effort.

I am terrified. What if I fall for this all over again? How did this time go by and this hatred bloom into a murderous rage only to be puffed out with one breath. Am I stupid? Am I gulliable? Am I weak? Probably yes to all. I only know that I can still obviously be twisted around his finger. It scares me. It disappoints me.

2. Brad. What is this I feel for him? Am I confusing something? Is it because he is the only person I trust? I don't want to tell him how I feel or what I think because I am not ready for anything to change one way or another. Part of me suspects that he knows, but then I remember that man aren't quite as insightful as we think they are.

I found myself asking him to grab a quick, cheap meal with Taylor and I on Thursday. He's not sure he can. I wonder if he realizes why...Thursday is March 1st. Since we are still technically married it will be our 11 year anniversary.

I wonder what it means that I began to cry when I wrote that.

How did I get back to a place where I was confused over Brad and Jeff again?

I need to focus on this move. It needs all of my attention. This is too important for my heart to get in the way now...

Today, I Understand This Story as Both Prince and Fox

...It was then that the fox appeared.

"Good morning" said the fox.

"Good morning"the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here" the voice said, "under the apple tree."

"who are you?" asked the little prince, and added,"You are very pretty to look at."

"I am a fox", the fox said.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince, "I am so unhappy."

"I cannot play with you," the fox said,"I am not tamed."

AH please excuse me," said the little prince. But after some thought, he added:"what does that mean---'tame'?"

"you do not live here," said the fox,"what is it you are looking for?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince."What does that mean---tame?"

"Men,"said the fox,"they have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince."I am looking for friends. What does that mean---tame?"

"It is an act too often neglected,"said the fox."It means to establish ties."

"To establish ties?"

"Just that," said the fox, "to me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world. . ."

"I am beginning to understand,"said the little prince."There is a flower. . .I think she has tamed me. . ."

"It is possible," said the fox."On earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh but this is not on the earth!"said the little prince.

The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious."On another planet?"

"Yes"

"Are there hunters on that planet?"

"No"

"Ah that's interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No"

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.

But he came back to his idea."My life is very monotonous," he said."I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden,will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat. . ."

The fox gazed at the little prince for a long time."Please---tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied."But I have not much time.I have friends to discover and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames,"said the fox." Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me. . ."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox.

First you will sit down at a little distance from me-like that-in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me every day..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you came at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is ready to greet you. . .One must observe the proper rites. . ."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected,"said the fox."they are what make one day different from other days,one hour different from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day and I should never have any vacation at all."

So the little prince tamed the fox.

And when the hour of his departure drew near---

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince.

"I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you. . ."

"Yes that is so", said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!"said the little prince.

"Yes that is so" said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox,"because of the color of the wheat fields."

And then he added: "go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me,and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

"You are not at all like my rose," he said."As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made a friend, and now he is unique in all the world."

And the roses were very much embarrassed.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on."One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three we saved to become butterflies);because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is MY rose."

And he went back to meet the fox.

"Goodbye" he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox.

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--"said the little prince so he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox."But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose. . ."

"I am responsible for my rose,"the little prince repeated so that he would be sure to remember.

From the Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The Wheel Turns

I picked up my sister's shift at work tonight and although it was slow, I managed to pocket an extra $50. Every little bit helps.

Things are moving in odd directions.

First, I have to finally admit that I think I still love Brad. I can't have him back and I don't think it will ever amount to anything - I don't even think he knows - but it's there.

Second, Jeff and I have begun civil communication via email. He and Jill have broken up and he's not sure what he's doing with his life, but somehow we've being civil and it seems to make me feel more at peace. It's easier to be civil, but not close, than it is for me to hate him so much.

Beyond my move, I don't know where my life is heading. I see and speak to Brad almost daily and while I don't think I could ever admit how I feel to him, it's hard. I don't want to try to be 'closer' but I am appreciating having him in my life.

I don't know if my life will ever involve more than working and parenting at this point. I'm not really sure that I care. I'm still figuring a lot out about myself. I have learned that I do not 'need' a man in my life, but I don't know yet if I want one or not. Some minutes I think yes and other moments I am happier on my own.

As MWCB would comment, it will all just take time.

I need help....

....packing!!!

April 1st I move. Thank god!!!

Now, the real stress begins.

I have to pack up an entire house over the next 30 days and constantly run into Jeff.

I have to watch money VERY closely.

I have to pray that Jeff doesn't get evicted before April 1st and right now it is VERY close. He's looking at an apartment tonight because he is so sure he's out.

I have to BUST MY ASS to earn as much money as I can to move and be able to afford to start over.

I just picked up an extra shift tonight. I have 1 month...let the race begin!

Whew...I have no idea if I am relieved or terrified.

The Day

Taylor is stressed about the FCAT testing at school. Every year the schools tell the kids how they can not be promoted to the next grade if they fail and every year my daughter tosses and turns and chews her nails and breaks into cold sweats of fear - even though she's never gotten less than an A on the tests and once scored a 'perfect score'. Poor kid.

My application is in for the house I toured yesterday. It already seems like a year ago. It's a gated community with a community pool and gym and playground and oddly, it's a neighbor community to my father's. He would always be 1 minute away from me. Scary thought.

It's a 1 story, which I usually hate and has no garage which I was not happy about but it had charm. It's a 1 story unitt tucked into a corner between two 2-story units and it's almost hidden. The rooms are spacious and airy and I felt at peace when I walked it. I really liked it.

My realtor just called me and told me it's looking "really good". I should have an answer today. If I get a yes, I may have to pick up a few more shifts because I have to cough up a surprise association approval fee. It's not much, but I would like a few extra dollars to dress the place up a bit when I move. Last night was awful and I earned no money - so a "yes" might just have me trying to pick up a shift. (Servers are notorious for easily giving shifts away!)

My fingers are crossed.

A "yes" will also mean packing my stuff up from Jeff's place.

And probably seeing him. Which will be weird since he's single and apparently very "horny" according to his sex-site profile. We had a civil email exchange yesterday and I feel less stressed about him in general.

Okay - once again - wish me luck!!!

The Update

Jeff didn't show at the RenFest and thank god for that. Brad had plenty of yards of beer and probably would have pounded him into the ground.

I had a great time. Before we left, Brad asked why I wasn't wearing a corset which would have been very Ren-like. I pulled one out and he laced me into it but it was indecent. One sneeze and there would have been nipple everywhere. I took it off and he was disappointed but that was as close to flirty as he got with me.

We had a great day. My sister came too and it was almost like old times except without the hand-holding and smooching and love.

At one booth they had the most amazing corsets and I tried one on and fell in love. It was perfect but it was also $300. The best part was when I was measured and had a 27 inch waist. Woohoo!

The sales girl laced me up and in demonstrating it's perfection she ordered Brad to hug me and for me to hug him back. We did and she emphasized that "corset hugs were the best".

I would have loved that corset, but it WAS $300!!!!

I did get a t-shirt that said "Women who behave rarely make history". I love it...

I did not get the 2 houses I went after. One raised his rent by $100 and the other was already under contract.

This morning, guilt set in and I emailed Jeff and thanked him for not going. I also told him I knew he was on his usual sex-match site and cheating and let him know that I was disappointed that he was still so lost.

He wrote me back that he and Jill were 'cooling it' for now. Huh.

I saw 2 more houses today before work and have an application in on yet another...we'll see.

After work I went by to leave Jeff the usual weekly insurance money and texted him that I was doing so. I didn't get a response, so I figured he was out. When I arrived his car was there - along with a beat-up pick-up truck. Guess he got lucky after all and I know it wasn't Jill. That didn't take long.

I left the money and headed home.

I bought new black pants for work today...size 8!!!! I LOVE that part!!! But I ate half a big mac on the way home so they may be tight when we switch uniforms from jeans to black pants on Thursday.

Not much else to report on really.

I think I realized that I do still feel something for Brad this weekend. Still, it's moot because it's not reciprocal. He had every opportunity to give me any sign and he played it cool. When I called him tonight after work and told him about Jeff and Jill - he was concerned. No one wants me to go near Jeff, that's for damn sure but I know it was more from protectiveness than jealousy.

Still...I wish he'd had any response to me.

I had a chance to go out Saturday night - alone - and decided to just stay in. There's just no point in meeting new people however much I would like to have someone in my life think I am special.

My hearts just not there.

Hell Scheduled to Breaketh Loose Today

Shit...

You might recall that I have mentioned a number of times that Brad and I are taking Taylor to RenFest today.

It's an annual event held in a local park. It's big, but still small enough that you couldn't really get lost in it.

Now let me tell you the new development.

I got an email from Jeff last night just before work saying some tax forms had arrived for me and that he still could not pay rent. I replied and in my reply mentioned that I couldn't drop off money to him for insurance today because we were going to RenFest.

When I came home at 1 am I had this reply...

I am taking Jill to the Renaissance festival tomorrow. Hope that doesn't cause a problem.

In what fucking universe would that NOT be a problem.

I replied and assured him it was a problem and that there would be a HUGE fucking scene. I hope like hell he has changed his mind...

Just in case, I have taken the liberty of printing all of the evidence that shows he's cheating on the new girlfriend RIGHT NOW to bring with me.

I hope like hell he's not there. If he is....

It's bound to be bad...

I'm also hoping to hear about the new house today.

Wish me luck in both.

Chatty Cathy...er - Christine

I'm feeling chatty today. Introspective. I'm not sure why, I just feel like gabbing here.

I don't feel like a long phone conversation punctuated with "Mmhmms" and pauses. I don't feel like talking aloud.

I like it here. Where my mind can speak uninterrupted. (As I write this, the damned phone rings...)

So...random thoughts ahead (promising to bore you to tears)

I wore a plain pair of black pants and a white tank top today. I caught a glimpse of the mirror not long ago and was surprised. I do see the difference in my body now. Sure, I need to seriously tone up and I still want to lose another 25 lbs, but it's amazing to realize that I am not "fat" or "chubby" or "heavy". When I brushed my teeth I also saw myself in the mirror in just a red bra and hey -!!! - I have a great rack!!! Ironically I have not lost any weight in the breasts.

I'm not sparkling today. I'm short on patience. Repeating addresses and names to my mentally retarded employees who are brilliant with the street smarts, but rock-stupid when it comes to reading and writing is wearing on me. Amazingly, these monkeys can still calculate their weekly paycheck to a penny on a percentage commission basis in 2 seconds flat while I am still fumbling with my calculator - so I suppose I have no room to speak. They also earn more than I do.

My realtor is annoying me. Yes, I am excited she is working to get me my house, but she calls me to talk to me about her kids, her plumbing, her other sales and she loves to chat. I just want to know when I can get the approval and when I can move. She'll be here in an hour to collect a $1400 check from me. Writing it might make me throw up.

I have exactly $3 spending money in my wallet. I have $40 in change in a bottle. I have $1750 in the bank. I have $220 in an envelope from my tips and a paycheck of $550 to pick up today. I work tonight and will probably walk with about $90. I will also get $100 in child support today. All I can tell you is that I track every damned penny in an Excel budget and I am to the penny for 3 months straight now... Those little "extras" like unexpected tolls, lunch money, etc come out my extra tips. I usually earn $5-$20 more than my "goal" so the extra money works out.

When I move, my highway tolls go away. I will save about $60 a month in tolls. I spend $10 a week commuting Taylor to school 30 minutes away.

I will also save a freaking fortune on gas. It costs $63.29 to fill my tank and it lasts me about 5 days. Once I move, I expect to make that last almost twice as long.

I thought about the business man from last night quite a lot. I googled him. I think he's an SVP (he paid with a corporate card). He was cute and intelligent and fun and you have to appreciate a man who takes his parents to dinner, pays and orders a bottle of wine. I know there was a connection there and even his mom seemed to be hinting at it. We were chatting about chocolate and the endorphins it releases like sex and he kidded that he was buying chocolate on the way home and mom piped in "Unless Christine is available?" - I left at that point. I'm just not that good of a flirt these days. I'm sure I blushed.

But I saved the cork from his bottle of wine. I'm not really sure why. I was a little disappointed that he didn't leave a phone number. I have this secret hope he'll pop in again tonight to find me and ask me out, but that's the romance novels and movies talking. I don't think I'll be seeing Mr. Nelson again - which is a shame because he was the first stranger I met that I felt a click with...and I could tell he felt it too. Still, that long distance romance thing would never work...

But hey, next time he's in town he could visit. :) And seriously - any man that can flirt with me while I am in an oversize red oxford shirt, jeans and an apron with my hair thrown into a sloppy ponytail has major kudos from me.

I did like his parents...

Sadly, our brief relationship only lasted as long as his New York Strip steak and Chateau St John cabernet. Once the bill was paid, we said our goodbyes.

"Thanks for coming! Have a good night!"

Yeah, my aloof-thing isn't working for me.

I want a man to pursue me. To see me or meet me and woo me. Show up, ask my number, send flowers - you know like it is in the movies?

Nothing less will do.

Okay, I've bored even myself now...

You are Free

I don't have to like you. I don't have to care about you. I don't have to wish you well. I can hate you as much as I want to.

But you are free of me.

For whatever reason - stupidity, naivety, gullability - I once loved you so deeply that I thought for sure our hearts beat in time.

As you remember, I also knew you better than anyone ever had and probably better than anyone ever will.

It is that knowledge that brings me to this place.

I can let go.

I am still hurt and angry. I probably always will be. But I also learned that you're already starting to screw around on your newest victim after less than a month and a half of "commitment". I saw the new personal ad you posted for sex on your usual site. You never change. I'll bet you a million dollars that you've already made your usual "I'm horny" call to your longtime whore, Paula.

I no longer feel hurt that you threw away what we had to "love" someone else. First, what we had was never real. Only a skilled illusion you created that I believed in. It was shiny and looked perfect but it was cheap and rotten and nothing more than garbage painted with gold and covered in fake rhinestones. Second, you can never love anyone. Ever. You aren't capable of it.

And that alone is all of the justice I need.

Because I may have gotten hurt badly by loving you - but once upon a time I was happy to love you. Seeing you, hearing your voice, being with you - all of these things were precious to me. I can't look back upon our time together with anything but disgust now - you left me not a single happy memory - but I can say that as wrong as it was, I did love you and loving you made me happy.

You will never know that happiness.

You will never feel that fulfillment. That thrill. That certainty. You will always find the hole in yourself, the darkness that eats away at anything good in your life.

I still hate you. But mostly, I feel very sorry for you. In your way - with your mental illness - you are crippled as surely as if you were unable to walk, speak or feed yourself.

You will spend your entire life searching for something I found and held dear to me twice.

You are the most brilliant businessman I know, yet you will always fail because you lack focus, self-control and because you can't do well unless you feel like you are competing.

You will ultimately lose at everything because you are incapable of winning and holding onto any victory.

At best you may survive but you will never thrive.

You will continue to hurt anyone who ever trusts you professionally or personally. You will have a list of enemies that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Someday, someone will get the vengeance I only dreamed about. Some husband of a wife you fuck (Bart Blackwell, pehaps?) will find you. Some scorned woman will make her life's ambition to destroy you. Some businessman you con and cheat will take action.

Dawn is right. You are destined for death or jail.

I told you once and I will say it again for clarity...the only chance you ever had was with me and I will never be there for you again.

No one will ever know who you are and you know that I always did and loved you anyway. You will forever have to fake your way through it all.

You will never be accepted. You will live knowing that you were fully accepted only once - by me - and you punished me horribly for it.

You have created your own punishments. I have no need to waste another day wishing you were dead because you already are dead inside.

So, you are free.

But so am I. And I can live again...because to be free of you is a new lease on life and everything that you seek and wish for and don't understand - I have all of it.

So go...because every day you self-destruct just a bit more and it's been a hell of a lot of fun to watch.

You are free to be your own worst enemy.

Far Away

I've heard this song a million times and never gave it much thought...

Tonight, I heard it and thought of someone special.

I don't know what that means - or if it even matters whether or not it means anything at all.

I had a good night. I didn't quite sparkle, but I did shine just a bit. I think I nearly had a date with my final table - a good looking businessman with his parents. But alas, he worked in Atlanta and I'm just a South Florida girl.

The table before him was two men from the Bahamas - they asked me out too.

I came home still single and without a date. I'm not quite ready to date, but I probably would have enjoyed more time with the businessman.

Still, for tonight it only brought me damned good tips.

Steps to Sparkling

I keep telling myself "Don't look back, don't look back". If I do, I have a tendency to look too hard and send myself spiraling into sadness.

But I also can not look forward either. Not really. That scares me and also sends me spiraling into sadness.

All I can do is look at moment to moment. I can look at right now. Sometimes I can even look ahead a day or two, but no further.

So, let's talk about right now.

I feel good. I had a nice night at work last night - not too slow, not too busy. I made the money I wanted to make and never felt overwhelmed or "weeded".

I feel alert, sharp and positive.

I applied for another house. I have no idea if I will get it or not, but they practically crawled up my ass with a microscope...I supplied bank statements, a letter of explanation (not fun to write) and all of my personal details. Tonight my realtor will pick up a large check from me to be held in escrow as a deposit if I am approved.

And hey, if I am not approved - I will keep looking. I'm not going to let it keep dragging me down. I will be disappointed, but not hopeless.

My body aches just enough to let me know working this way is still a form of serious exercise. My legs and back are sore but not unlike a hard gym workout. If I could stop eating so much lately, I'd probably be a waif. These days I seem to be hungrier than usual. I'm still not gaining weight but I'm not losing either. I am stuck neatly at 158 for the moment. I tell myself that once I move, I will be able to cook healthy foods and exercise my target 'problem' areas.

I can look ahead just far enough to tell you that I am looking forward to the weekend. Brad and I are taking Taylor to the RenFest and it should be fun. I still enjoy my talks with Brad and consider him my 'best friend' but there's nothing there beyond that.

I've learned to focus on me and Taylor and not worry about men. I don't notice men for the most part.

I did have one nice realization. When I am in a good mood and I turn on the charm to my tables - people are usually really drawn in by my personality. A large party of 5 came in recently and one man was older and very drunk. When I spoke to them I was upbeat and friendly and I noticed he was fixated on me as I talked - like watching an animal at the zoo or something. Then he said something that brought me back to the old days.

"You sparkle," he said.

He didn't elaborate and I just laughed, but I knew what he meant. I wasn't wearing sequins or flashy jewelry - I was in my rather plain waitress uniform of jeans and a dull oxford shirt. it had nothing to do with what I wore or how I looked. This drunk man saw it. No one else at the table seemed to understand it - and his wife looked uncomfortable. When I am interacting with people at my best - I do sparkle. Something inside of me lights up and I am animated and engaging and you can almost see me twinkling.

Once upon a time, this was the characteristic that drew men to me like flies. It didn't matter what I wore or what I weighed - hell, I was 194 lbs when Jeff fell for me and no one is more shallow and looks-oriented than him. I was 170 when Brad fell for me. I've had men chase me at every poundage. The old adage that a personality can transform someone from average to desirable has always held true for me. I've never in my life wanted a man that I didn't have. It wasn't my looks - I am no raving beauty - it was that 'sparkle'.

I lost that sparkle with Jeff. It still peeps out now and again but it is very rare. You can't force it or fake it. You have to feel it. When it does emerge, people's reactions to me are always immediate.

Today, I am sparkling.

On the phone even, my customers are drawn into it. Cranky housewives are finding themselves chatting about happily about dogs with me. Busy men are morphing from serious to playful in the conversations. When I sparkle, I get bigger tips, more jobs and plenty of friendly interaction.

I want to keep sparkling.

Here We Go Again

Drama was high last night - my sister was working my shift (I worked hers on Monday) and felt sick and stormed out of the restaurant to go to the ER. She was diagnosed with an ulcer at around 5 am.

Meanwhile, Taylor and I were touring houses again and it looks like we may have found something. A really sweet and unusual tri-level townhouse. The first floor has a garage, the laundry room, a bedroom or office or den and a full bathroom with a shower only. The second floor has an adorable kitchen, dining room and living room. The third floor has two bedrooms and two full bathrooms.

Tri-level townhouses are unusual in South Florida and we viewed two of them. The first had spectacular golf course views and an enclosed garage to form a 4th room- but the second had a LOT of upgrades inside - new applicances, new carpet, beautiful tile...

We're applying for the second one and if it falls through, we'll try the first. Once again, I need luck!

I return to work tonight and work the next three nights. Saturday will find me off by request to spend the day at the annual Rennaissance festival with Brad and Taylor.

I'm not going to get my hopes up over the house because I don't want that stress again. I'm just going to let whatever will happen be. I can easily imagine us in our charming walk-up and I'm ready to either move or find another one. Eventually something has to stick for me! I'd like it to be one of these two, but if not...the search continues.

I've made a new resolution to avoid a certain topic whenever possible. The sooner I can get accustomed to putting certain tragedies out of my mind, the better.

Into the Looking Glass

When I fell asleep last night I left my favorite show on pause so this morning it made sense to stop it for later viewing. When I did, Dr. Phil was on and I rolled my eyes and reached for the power button on the remote.

But then I stopped. He was talking to a couple. A woman who's husband had an affair with her sister. She couldn't get past it. This didn't have much to do with my life, but what Dr. Phil was saying was making perfect sense to me.

I sat. I watched.

It began when I heard him say "Time heals nothing. It's what you do with that time."

Uh-oh.

I've been waiting all of this time thinking that time was somehow going to heal me. I kept waiting for that day I would wake up and think "Jeff-who?"

Clearly that plan is out.

So, I started thinking...what do I need to do to heal?

Then I reminded myself that murder is illegal and had to try again.

What do I need to do to heal?

First, I feel like I have to close this chapter of my life. I'm still not sure how. A part of me feels like he has to be stopped. It would be different if this was 'just a break-up' and not a well-orchestrated con that Jeff pulls on woman after woman with the same outcome every time (destroying her). It would be different if Jeff were not a mentally-ill man who was incapable of changing his ways or of a different outcome. The way things sit, it's like being raped and beaten - knowing who raped and beat you and watching him lure new victims into his web and not doing anything about it. It eats at me. It makes me feel powerless.

So, then the next thought is why don't I tell Jill? Well, many reasons. First, Jeff continues to have me under his thumb since I took over payments on his truck. I can't afford another vehicle without sacrificing a place to live. Yes, we have a signed and written agreement, but I wouldn't want to test it in a court of law. Second, because all of my belongings are still in "our" home with him and I don't want to lose them or have them destroyed for the same reasons.

And last, because I don't think she would hear me. Jeff's ex-wife tried to warn me, but she was angry and bitter and when she did so it was with malice and I just believed Jeff when he told me how terrible she was. I assumed this was just spite. Yes, I am angry and bitter and full of my own malice so why on earth would she listen to me? I would hope she's smarter than me but still....

So, that idea is out. So...how do I close this chapter? Just walk away and not look back? Decide future victims are 'on their own' to figure him out? I have to admit that this is the hardest choice but probably my only choice.

Jill - you're on your own. Good luck, honey. Because from what I have learned and what I believe - you never knew he was cheating on me with you and I understand you're a nice person. You don't deserve what's in your future. I wish I could warn you, but I can't. Maybe it's not even my place.

So, let's work on closing THAT door. It hurts like hell to have to swallow the idea that there is no justice but that's what it comes down to.

Next, moving on. Move out is a big number 1. Get my stuff back is tied to that. The vehicle is #3. I need my truck but it still ties me to him. I have no idea how to manifest a reliable vehicle and still be able to move, but I'm going to have to work on that idea.

Last, heal. How the hell do I heal? This one stumps me. How do I forget that I was completely blinded by love and let him do this to me? How do I ever trust another person again? How do I find the relationship that I want when I can't stand the idea of a man being near me? I hate to even look at men because it's traumatic. It's a catch 22. I want to find love, trust and a relationship but I am TERRIFIED at the idea of ever letting a man get that close to me.

I have no idea...

People told me it would take time. Dr. Phil said "Time heals nothing." So...what?

This is the one I will have to figure out. Not today. I'm not even remotely close to being ready for a relationship right now. I love the idea of a person in my life in that way, but I'm just not emotionally ready. It's hard to imagine that I ever will be, but I hope that day will come. Will I just wake up one morning and think "Ok, time to find love!"?

This step I will take my time on. Mostly because I just don't know what else to do. In the meantime, I will devote that time and energy towards me and being a better person myself.

And Dr. Phil has earned a place in my TIVO rotation. I heard him today and it prompted a closer look at me. Maybe a daily dose will do me some good.

Or...maybe I will eventually snap like a twig and be tried for murder and we'll see if temporary insanity holds up.

After all, I honestly believe I am nothing if not insane after this mess.

And Dr. Phil? I'm half-kidding about the murder thing. Really... And the other half loves my daughter too much to go there, so he's safe unless I can kill him with the sheer power of a hateful look or with my thoughts.

Denied!

In the race against another applicant for my house, the other applicant won. My rental history problems (thank you, Jackal) cost me a shot.

There are no other homes in this community available for rent at this time.

I'm unhappy, but not devastated. I am working hard to find another one.

Yesterday just was not my day. I worked for my sister, who was sick, and it was dead slow so I made $40. I also had to deal with a waitress on a power trip who has had a bug up her ass over me since I started. She's nice in that fake way, but she is just always on my case and we don't like each other.

I don't lose sleep over it.

I have to admit that part of me feels like taking my $2000 in the bank and just spending it all. After all, I feel like I've worked this hard for nothing, right?

But, the responsible side of me won't let that happen. The money stays. Another house will pop up and I'll be ready to pay for it then and there.

I believe we are on reason #499 why Jeff doesn't deserve to live.

So, a disappointment but not enough to throw me off my track. I really wanted that house. I have to believe another one in there will come up in the next couple of weeks.

I'm Going to Wear Purple

A lovely change is settling into me today and I hope I can stretch it into a lifetime.

It finally dawned on me.

I'm going to wear purple.

Did you ever read that charming poem about the woman declaring she will be an eccentric old woman who wears purple with big red hats?

Why wait?

I have no one but myself to impress and I'm going to live again.

Once upon a time - bloggers who read years ago remember - I was eccentric. My co-workers knew me as the girl who wore feathered boas around the office and decorated my office like a combination of Mardi Gras, Valentine's Day and a Bordello. I went ghost hunting with "professional ghost hunters" just to see. I joined film festivals. I danced on fountains. I dyed my hair neon pink for a month. I was the life of the party.

I lost that after Brad and I had our problems. A small piece lived on, but the Jackal killed the rest in me.

I'm resurrecting her.

I'm going to wear wildly creative ensembles that may or may not match.

I'm going to attend galas alone happily.

I'm going to dance on fountains again.

I'm going to meet people and accept invites for events and attend them alone and proud. I'm not going to sit in a corner.

I'm going to plan and save for exotic travel for Taylor and I. Never again will I just visit a friend in another state - I'll stop by to see a friend while Taylor and I go on an oyster-shucking expedition or mine for diamonds in a volcano or some other such thing.

There's nothing and no one to stop me. If it repels men, then all the better. If it attracts men then they'll be prepared for me to be who I am.

I'm going to wear purple again.

I am a Survivor

The pressure I am under is intense.

I am still not recovered from being hit-and-run by the Jackal (Jeff) and working 70-80 hours a week. I am putting every penny in the bank. I am desperately trying to get my house and fearing the worst because of credit/rental history woes also courtesy of the Jackal. (I am convinced that I dated and was pseudo-engaged to Satan).

I am a mess.

Tonight I got hit with a migraine that had me lying onthe bed upside down, pushing my skull into the mattress, sobbing and fighting nausea. My stepfather was downstairs on his 4th pack of cigarettes and I couldn't breathe. I also couldn't move, so I had to ride it out.

But I recovered. I still swear Excedrin is the miracle drug. Did you ever see My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Remember the father and his Windex obsession? That's me and Excedrin. Headache? Tootheache? Cramps? Tired? Sad? Sore back? Excedrin cures it all. Two Excedrin and a Coke will kill anything - Three for serious problems. 3 cured me tonight.

So, in recovery - I hit the news pages online. I'm a news-a-phobe. I read about Britany Spears. The more I read the more I felt better about myself.

I mean - c'mon...you have a beautiful, rich, famous young woman who is going through a FRACTION of the pain and suffering I went through and has a huge support system, tons of money and she's losing her mind?

And here I am. Sad, but surviving. I'm not drinking (although I did briefly have this brilliant idea that I could become an alcoholic just to join AA and find supportive friends in my life). I don't do drugs. I don't party every night. I just work, take care of my daughter and keep moving.

So, I guess I'm doing alright after all.

I'm a Survivor.

My best friend, Todd tells me all the time that I am the strongest woman and the 'toughest bitch' he knows. I always think he's insane. I don't feel strong at all. But I love when he says it. It makes me feel like I have to persevere so I don't lose that image for him.

But really - what choice do I have?

If I didn't work, Taylor and I would live like this forever. Unacceptable! If I just let myself break down and scream I might never stop. Would any of that save me or help?

There is no choice in my life right now.

If - and I mean IF I get approved tomorrow for this house, I found that I am $250 short in my move budget. An unexpected pet deposit is throwing me off. I have 3 weeks to make up the difference...so...I guess I will pick up extra shifts and work even harder. How that's possible, I can't imagine...I am running on fumes now but it would have to be done.

3 weeks of SUPER hard work. I can do that.

I just need that approval.

Bloggers - I'm putting out an open call to you. If you pray, pray for me now to get this place. If you're pagan, light a candle for me. If you're any other religion - call out to your god for me now, please...

You will be rewarded with infinitely better posts if I move.

If I get declined....well, I don't know what the hell I will do. Then all my hard work is for nothing and I will have a meltdown tomorrow.

But I will survive.

Ups and Downs

Ouch. Damn my body hurts in the mornings. I am acutely aware of every muscle in my body. It didn't help that I was a walking catastrophe either. On Friday night I felt like I had a target on me.

First, another server - a VERY heavyset female was reaching up high for something ina big hurry and brought her arms down hard and fast as I walked past and accidently punched me dead in the heart with an elbow. I was stunned into pain.

Next, another server spun around with a stack of trays and cracked me in the ribs.

I was rammed with a heavy glass rack and had a dozen glasses dropped on my feet shattering against me.

Egads, I felt lucky to leave that night with my life.

It hurts everywhere.

Saturday, Taylor and I met with our realtor. When I picked her up from her sleepover at a friends house on our old street, I accidentally spotted Jeff sitting outside smoking a cigarette on the phone. I had an envelope to give him of the $20 I pay him a week towards insurance and Taylor brought it to him. Just that glimpse had my pulse racing and my adrenaline flowing. I wanted to set him on fire.

We looked at 4 houses and fell in love with 1. We have a 2nd and 3d choice, but we're in the application process for our 1st choice. I just this minute faxed over documents. I am terrified. There's a strong choice of denial because Jeff has stayed 2 mos. behind on rent to my former landlady since I left.

The house I chose is NOT the first one I mentioned before that WOULD be MINE. I was so sure that was THE one and could not understand how it could be rented already??? Then it came together...the NEW 1st choice is the same house, same model, same community but with MANY wonderful upgrades which make it 100x better for the same price. I'm really hoping for this...it would be perfect.

I'm off today (yes, you heard me right!) and thank god because I am in pain. It's cold outside so Taylor and I have to change our plans and part of them will likely include trying to organize our messy room. When you have two people crammed into a tiny space - living AND working - it's just a disaster. Even Extreme Home Makeover could not save us right now...

Jeff and I had another minor blowout in text yesterday. His stepdaughter called my daughter to ask WHY she could not play with Taylor's things and really put Taylor on the spot. I was furious. My daughter does NOT have to explain her feelings on this to his kids. Period.

Taylor and I saw a movie yesterday and had a Mexican lunch. We saw Bridge to Terabithia which was cute, but not life-changing.

Not sure what we will do today. I'm clinging to my money and need to clean, but need to spend good time with her too...the beach would be perfect if it wasn't 50 degrees outside!

I spoke to Tammy last night on the phone and somehow we went from discussing her life to mine and I sat in my truck sobbing on the phone for an hour. It makes me angry that after almost 4 months I am still in so much pain from this JACKASS. It's not love (I hate his guts) but rather a sense of betrayal, anger at being duped, confusion, pain from trying to recover and a feeling of utter failure.

Then I slept...

When does it stop hurting?

I hope it begins with my move. I hope I do move.

In Today's MYSPACE mailbox...

I really think you are such a beautiful woman. In fact you are stunning. My name is Bob and I live in Delaware. I know I dont know you and all but I just wanted to tell a lady for the first time that I sometimes have bisexual thoughts. Please dont be offended by me telling you. I just wanted to know how it feels to know that a knock out gorgeous lady knows your secret.

Huh?????

As usual, I attract freaks and degenerates like a beacon.
At least I have learned not to date them.

A Bitter Song

First of all....Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww

My body hurts like hell. My back is sore and swollen, my legs and thighs hurt and I am exhausted.

I figured out the following:

• I work 6 days a week
• At least 5 of them are 16 hour days
• When I am "off" I play single mother and do things with my daughter no matter how tired I am
• I average 4-5 hours sleep a night
• I eat the equivalent of 2 days worth of full meals per week

Owwwwwwww

Grey's Anatomy was great last night, but it set me off and got me crying. At one point, contemplating a "Jane Doe" patient, Dr. Addison asks if she disappeared, would anyone notice?

And I asked myself the same question.

Later, when Dr. Meredith Grey was lying "dead" in the OR the entire staff was surrounding her - teary eyed doctors working on her, the man who loved her crouched in the corridor crying, her friends standing outside the doors in tears...

I wondered...if it was me - if I was lying in a hospital OR dying...who would be there?

These weren't good thoughts. The answers were awful too. No one. No one would be there.

If I was on the verge of death, who would be there?

Depressing thoughts sent me to bed.

A Bitter Song by Butterfly Boucher

All I need is a bitter song
To make me...better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better

It found me
To hold me
But I don't like it at all

Won't feed it
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach
It's not fair
I found love
It made me say that
Get Back

You'll never see day light
If I'm not strong it just might

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better

All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better

I feel better
I feel better

Random Things Before Bed

First - this creeps me the fuck out....It's advertised as "Creepy ghost caught on camera in Japanese documentary". I may never get to sleep now... http://www.vidmax.com/index.php/videos/view/624

Second - I am beyond upset right now. I don't even know if I can talk about why. The bottom line is that I found out some more things about Jeff's new girlfriend Jill today and everything makes perfect sense all of a sudden. From what I understand she is an absolute sweetheart of a person and she damned sure doesn't deserve what he's up to. He is a con man through and through and I am so angry and upset and I feel powerless to do anything. Sure, I could tell her - but then he'd be on my case and I just want him to wither and die and put mankind out of the misery of sharing a planet with him.

Third - I had a great night...it was SLOW and I still made a lot of money. I always set a goal for how much I want to take home and I have beaten it every time except once. Tonight was a NO MONEY night for the restaurant and I still made $20 more than my goal. C'mon move day!!!

Fourth - I can't wait to curl up with my beloved TIVO and watch Grey's Anatomy!!!

Night :)

Lesson Learned

I have never fully understood the concept of exhaustion until now.

I am so foggy that I drove Taylor to the bus stop on auto pilot. On my way home I thought I felt the car slowing and kept pressing the gas only to have it slow more and panicked thinking I was breaking down - only to realize I was hitting the brake.

My body hurts. My brain is in a cloud. I am beyond exhausted.

I always thought that you could keep going, keep pushing, keep moving and that to stop was lazy or weak.

Yeah...I know better now. I am running on fumes at best and have 3 more long days before I get a tiny break.

Survival

Well...

My body aches in indescribable ways and I am physically exhausted but I survived the day of hearts & flowers without shedding a tear.

I worked my ass off. I earned $180 in 4 1/2 hours.

I remain on target for my goals. In fact, if I find a townhouse I like on Saturday when we tour them with my realtor, I will be prepared to put down a deposit without batting an eye. My bank account is growing bigger every day. I deposit my paychecks and child support and I stash all of my tips (save for a few small bills for gas, tolls and Taylor) in an envelope to deposit every weekend.

After this weekend, I think things will start moving faster. I will decide on a place out of 5 I am touring. I will get the approval and once I have a "go" I will need to begin packing...

Which, unfortunately means I will be spending some time at the Weston house packing boxes of all of my belongings. It will be interesting to see how Jeff copes with no dishes, silverware, glasses, utensils, pots, pans, towels, etc. I refuse to leave so much as a plastic fork behind - it all goes...

I just need to get it done without having to ever see him. But I plan to have everything packed up so that on moving day things go fast and smooth.

I can't wait...my space. My own space. My own room. AIR-CONDITIONING!!! (My stepfather has poor circulation and keeps this place at 80 degrees or higher and I can't sleep without a/c)

I will take off the entire weekend to move and spend it putting things away, soaking in my own tub and cooking.

Ahhhh, cooking.

I. Can. Not. Wait.

Coming home after work, sinking into a tub of bubbles - slipping into my bedroom. Reading in bed with a light on past 9 pm.

Luxury....

All mine.

I can't wait.

I still know exactly which of the 5 I want to move into. The same one from the start. A perfect townhouse just ready for us to slip into...

Home...

My heart is already there...

I actually got one real Valentine's wish today. Roger called me and left me a voicemail (I didn't answer) wishing me a Happy VDay. It was sweet. For just a moment I was really grateful to him.

Paula Abdul Theory

If there is any truth at all to Paula Abdul's repeated claims that she does not do recreational drugs or drink alcohol to the point of inebriation (and I'm not sure I believe her) then I have an alternative theory.

She should be tested for Huntington's Chorea.

My former stepmother (my half-sister's mother) has it and it began around the same age to display symptoms not unlike Abdul's.

12 years later she is in a nursing home requiring full time care. It's terminal. One day she will forget to breathe or swallow. She experiences dementia and is prone to violence.

When it began she had the same spacey behavior.

I am not an Abdul fan, but I just read the article at http://www.southflorida.com/news/sns-ap-people-paula-abdul,0,7959940.story?coll=sfla-entertainment-headlines and felt a need to post my theory.

One day, if it proves true I can point back and say I told ya so.

Otherwise, she's hitting those arthritis drugs too hard. Still, it's part of what makes watching Idol so much fun.

Our Valentines

Here's your chance to be MY Valentine. And for me to be yours.

In the right side of your screen, you should see an ad for Restaurant.com. Click on it, enter your zip code and find local restaurants in your area. Then purchase and instantly print a $25 gift certificate.

For $5.

Enter the code VALENTINE at checkout and recalculate your total and you will get a $25 certificate for $5. As a special treat from ME to YOU you will ALSO receive a $10 gift certificate per order (one per checkout).

Here's a hint...log on today and buy your first $25 certificate for $5. Tomorrow log in again and use your $10 certificate AND your Code and get TWO MORE $25 certificates for free.

So - dine out three time, get $25 off your bill each time at your restaurant choice and pay $5.

This offer expires February 17th. Just a note - I get a tiny (and I mean TINY) commission from your purchases so you're also doing me a world of good too. :)

Pass it on but make sure they click MY link on MY page and help a sad, single momma out, would ya???

Note: NONE of your personal information is shared with me. I only know SOMEONE bought something. So, (1) you're safe and (2) don't be mad when I don't thank you.

Hearts and Flowers

Okay, I now understand why a large percentage of the population hates Valentine's Day.

If you've been recently hurt or you're recovering from a broken heart - well, it just plain sucks.

You are subjected to watching people around you get showered with gestures of love and romance while you are more and more aware that you are alone.

I bought Taylor a bagful of Valentine's gifts ranging from candy to a card to a stuffed animal to some girly items like lipglosses and body spray scented like cotton candy.

She felt bad because in her excitement to write out Valentine's day cards for her classmates, she had nothing to give me in return. It was okay. It stung just a little since I sort of thought she'd be my only Valentine, but I can't really expect that of her.

I have a card and candy for Brad too, not romantic, but more friendly. I know he won't have anything for me either, and that's alright.

The only way to survive this holiday is by working it. Tonight should be insanely busy at work and I'll be ticked if I make less than $150. I'm in a station on the patio where you would think that the cooler weather might keep people away but you would be surprised how many people will sit there and shiver instead of waiting an hour for a table. Unlike inside where you run a 3-table station, outside I can have up to 10 tables at a time.

The average check for 2 is about $45 - 55. The average tip is $8 - $10. I can flip a table in about an hour if they're slow pokes. Imagining I hold about 8 tables an hour...I should earn about $60 an hour and work a 4.5 hour shift.

In an attempt to distract myself - let's revisit restaurant ettiquete, shall we?

• If you have a small child and decide to eat out it's up to you to control the little darling. Don't let your child kick the waitress (as happened last night) and understand that your screaming brat annoys my other tables. At the end of the meal, when it's time to tip, they only remember that they had a miserable dining experience and my tip reflects it. Likewise, don't let the brat shred paper, crayons or throw my sugar packets around. I don't have time to clean up after your child. When Brad and I used to take Taylor out we always had something to occupy her. A small toy, a handheld video game...something!
  
• Tipping. 15% is no longer the norm. If I get less than 20% on a table I am annoyed. Unless I treated you like shit then you have to remember that I busted my ass for an hour to make sure you had everything you needed while juggling 3-4 other tables.
  
• Eat and leave. I can't make money with you sitting there for 3 hours after you have paid your check. Unless you are going to leave me 3x the tip you need to get your ass out. There's 40 people waiting in the lobby and I can't serve any of them while you're parked in my large booth making small talk. Notice how those drink refills stopped after you paid? We're done!
  
• Do not hand me plates while I am clearing your table for you. I am balancing 18 lbs of dishes and you handing me extra bread plates with 45 pieces of silverware on top is not going to end well. There's a great chance I'm going to lose the balance and it's going to end up on you.
  
• I don't cook your food. When it takes 20 minutes for you to get your well-done steak you can stop glaring at me. Perhaps you didn't notice the 400 other people in the restaurant?
  
• Pay with a credit card. We love that. When you give us cash, we have to make change for you out of our pockets which means we have to stop what we're doing and dig through our pockets and purses for the $47.89 change we owe you.
  
• Comps!!! Okay - here's a major one. When something is not perfect and you complain...the steak is undercooked, the broccoli was overdone our managers will take it OFF your bill for you because we really do want you to be happy. Just because you had a $28 steak taken off your check, leaving a $19.36 balance to pay does NOT mean it's okay to tip us 15% of $19.
  

Thankfully, most of my tables have class. Other than the obnoxious children I tend to get great tips. My average tip is about $15-$20. When a manager comps a check - even the ENTIRE check - I still get a great tip. In fact, often when a large check is entirely comp-ed, the table leaves me a bigger tip since the meal was free. I like that.

Moving on...

Jeff and I are at a Mexican standoff of sorts. I have information that I could send to his girlfriend that would prove he has lied to her thousands of times in the last few months and he has my furniture and is legally the owner of my truck. I REALLY wish I had the truck in my name and my stuff back because making his life a living hell would thrill me to pieces.

My budget remains on track and I am looking at houses on Saturday. I keep hoping that moving will cure me of all my problems.

I still have to admit that other than the body aches and exhaustion - I love my 2nd job. There is never a dull moment and I am 'on the go' the entire night. Even better I can see the immediate results in cash tips that I take home each night. It also makes me appreciate a day off 100x more even if I just lie down in my bed for an hour to watch tv after taking care of Taylor.

I am working about 80 hours a week and earning a double income. All told, I earn nearly $60,000 a year with both jobs. For the first time in my life, my bills are paid and I have extra money in my bank account that is in the FOUR digit range! Sure, it's being saved to move, but it's there. Once I move, that extra money will be scarce. I'll be budgeted to the penny, but I will have the freedom of my own space.

I hope I find a place with a GREAT bathtub so I can soak in a warm bubblebath at the end of the day. The idea of a candlelit bathroom with a fragrant warm tub full of bubbles and a glass of wine sounds like bliss right now.

How NOT to get my attention

From my MySpace Inbox:

im anthony. how r u? did u have a nice weekend? do u have a man . u r lookin ? what kind of man do u like ? iwant to be ur valintine. im a contrator in s. fl . i live in sunrise fl, . i like cillin with friends goin to south beach, hardrock, movies , workin hard to meet goals. id like to kno more about u ? what u like to do for fun ? what type of restaurant do u like ?oh yea ur vary pretty and look like a ture sweet hart. tell me more about ur self?

Huh???

Not counting the annoying abbreviations which I think are only okay on phone text messages because it's a pain in the ass to type on those phones - let's count the misspelled words...

Eleven.

He's 30. No excuse for illiteracy, sorry. His pics show unbelievable muscular arms and at best he'd be a good one to have beat Jeff up someday. In one picture he actually refers to his arms as his "guns". I can almost picture him kissing his biceps while lifting the weights.

He says he likes "workin hard to meet goals". I'm thinking he should make hooked on phonics a goal for 2007.

I don't bother to respond to these. I have nothing nice to say...

Not Ready to Make Nice

Forgive? Sounds good. Forget? I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything -
But I'm still waiting...

Without going into too much detail, Jeff and I are engaged in an email war of words. It was astonishing to see how much he had twisted the facts - he accused me of everything from harassing him to controlling the weather.

Now, first of all - Jeff and I don't speak "live". I refuse. I told him not to call me and that any conversations we have must be in text. Second, I avoid seeing him at every turn. And third, I only contact him regarding issues that remain between us that we have to communicate on.

The beauty of it all is that I do not love Jeff. I once believed I always would and I can honestly say that I truly did love him...or at least who I thought he was. But that love is so far dead that it ould never be resurrected.

Still, I am not ready to be with anyone again.

I wish I were. I wish I had the desire to meet someone and feel an attraction or pursue something more but I just can't do it.

I realized that every man I ever got involved with was a friend first and I think that may be where my issues lie.

Moving on...

I'm going to tour 4 properties with my realtor this weekend and will hopefully pursue one of them to fruition. She's still wanting to make my move-in happen by Mid-March as opposed to April 1st and that would be heaven.

I really really need my own space.

I was off last night and Taylor and I had a great night together. I work tonight and every night through Sunday when I can finally take a break. I expect to be exhausted, but the money will go far. It should be a busy week with Valentine's Day tomorow.

Valentine's Day has so far not affected me. I am not dreading it or worrying about it. I am ambivalent to it. I am glad to be working to avoid focusing on it, but it's a non-issue. Paper hearts and candy do not impress me these days.

There's just not much else to report on these days...

What Dreams May Come

I had a really revealing dream.

I admit it - I took a little nap this morning. One of the perks of working from home. I had a vivid and really 'telling' dream.

In my dream I was at a large office that I understood to be my stepmother's work. She is a property manager for a large wealthy community and often her work crosses ours since we maintain the homes in their for the customers.

For some reason, my sister and I were both there. My dad was there also. I had just come from looking at a GREAT house that I was planning to rent. I was excited.

A VERY handsome and sexy man walked in and called my sister over. While I stood there, he sort of leaned on me and handed her a card and a rose. My dad had given birthday cards to this guy to give to her. I thought it was odd that he was leaning on me - in actuality he was practically resting his arm on my breasts.

When I remarked on it, he just grinned at me flirtatiously.

My sister was ooing and ahhing over her cards from my dad and mystery man pulled me aside to be alone. We sat on a couch in the office and he made some small talk. He was super handsome and very mysterious and sexy.

My family was thrilled to see me with him.

As the conversation progressed, he become uglier. His teeth became screwed up, he was no longer hot - but starting to morph into ugly. He told me his last girlfriend had cheated on him and when I asked how long it had been over he remarked that it was still ending. I went from turned on to turned off. This jerk was still in a relationship and trying to pick me up.

Somehow this translated to me that he became uglier as I got to know him better in my head.

I left him to go look at my house again and it was no longer GREAT. It had barren concrete floors full of holes and was downright shabby.

I was no longer excited...I was frustrated.

Current Mood? Frfustrated

I am an exercise in frustration today.

My body is unbelievably sore...my back, my legs, my knees - all ache terribly. I worked my ass off last night and walked with $140. Nicely done.

Whenever I work at any job, I am not happy unless I am 'the best' at what I do. I don't know if it's pride or competitive or just ego but I can't settle for knowing I am 'mediocre'. This little tick has earned me promotions at every job I have ever held but there's something fun about seeing it actually earn me more money at this job.

On the weekends, the restaurant is stress-central. For some bizarre reason this makes me NOT stressed. While servers are pushing and screaming through the tiny kitchen alley I am calm and observing it all with a bit of amusement.

I don't let it stress me. For me it's actually stress relief.

A new table sits down. You go to get their drinks and there are no glasses. Every glass is dirty. The person who's 'sidework' is to refill the glasses is too busy and when you go in the back to get them yourself, there's still no glasses.

This happens again when you want to bring them bread (no bread!) or a spoon or a plate or their salad.

Still, while the other servers scream and bitch about who's not keeping up with their sidework, I manage to keep my own sidework fully stocked and just go get the things myself instead of freaking out.

From a management perspective it goes unnoticed. The managers get just as harried and stressed as the other servers. If I am 'invisible' to them because I have no melt-downs, they just don't notice - and that's ok...because I still get great tips.

Even so, I botched a table last night. I felt horrible. I served them an appetizer and then failed to ring in their dinners because I had 4 other tables keeping me running. I apologized profusely and I felt guilty as hell when they still left me a 20% tip that I knew I did not deserve.

Is it weird that I love this job? I come home wearing 8 courses of food, I am sore, tired and have been listening to co-workers scream and yell and rage and I feel energized. I can't walk through the crowded kitchen without any one of the 20 other employees knocking into me and spilling drinks, food and other crap all over me and I just keep moving with a smile.

It's my personal life that frustrates me.

I'm busy 24-7. I am on the run and have 497 things to do and I realize my actions make everyone else happy but I feel like I am unrewarded. I long for a day at the beach, a long nap, a bubble bath....

Actually, I long for companionship.

And thus, frustrated.

The busy schedule serves really only to keep me so busy that I don't mope or mourn or slip into depression. But at some point it will slow down and I wonder what I will have then?

A co-worker chatted me up after closing last night. He commented on how "nice" I am. I assured him it was faked and he seemed shocked.

"I have to be nice. I have to fake it. If I ever just relaxed and let my true feelings out there'd be a hostage crisis in the restaurant and I'd be serving up dishes worthy of Hannibal Lecter..."

Gee...I wonder why I don't have more friends at work???

Actually, that topic came up too. I have another co-worker a ride home and since he is known as the restaurant eyes and ears, I asked him what the scoop was on me. Apparently everyone really likes me but they can't socialize with me because they don't get along with my sister and it's not realistic to think I would hang out with them and not include her.

I love my sister. She's tough, in your face and direct as hell. She's also loyal and loving and would walk through fire for people she cares about. Not everyone gets her, but I know what a treasure I have in her. She's more than my sister - she's my best friend.

I do regret that it leaves me outside a social group that I enjoy. Several co-workers are so much fun and at least one reminds me completely of my darling Todd in Oklahoma who I miss so much. But nothing is worth even a second of my sister feeling excluded and thus, it is what it is.

I'm off tonight - thank god - and I plan to use the time to lie still as much as possible.

Post Secret

Post Secret posted this Valentine today...

Jeff could have given this one to me...

Me...?

I thought my days of "who am I?" were behind me. I thought I knew.

I have no clue.

I know who I've been. I know who I was.

Now? I feel like I am living inside a stranger.

The old me is still in there. Smaller, quieter and weaker. I watch the "new" me and occasionally I try to speak up, but no one listens.

I am a walking contradiction.

I want to find love again...but I am opposed to letting anyone - especially a male someone - near enough to me to get to know me.

I want to be happy...but I don't have time to do things to make myself happy.

I feel so lost.

The pressure is all still there.

I went out after work with my sister and her friend, Tori, again last night. Taylor was spending the night with Brad because they had a late hockey game and I wanted to unwind a bit. We returned to our regular bar and took our spots at the bar. We deflected men, briefly chatted with a bachelor party and laughed a lot. Ironically, the only man I was remotely attracted to is our very-married pal and I would never ever even contemplate a married man. He's great and she's lucky. He still has a running joke with me to "show him my tits" but I'm not that kind of girl and it really is just a joke. He's pretty conservative and sweet. When Tori was kidding with an old friend of hers that she recognized he mistakenly thought a man was bothering her and said "touch her again and I will kick your ass".

Our jaws dropped. Dino is so passive and sweet but he was dead serious. After a moment of stunned silence, we all fell over laughing and cheering him on. We told him how sexy that was and how much we adored him.

As usual, we drank free all night. Between men buying our drinks and Dino taking care of us, we left for the price of a good tip.

It was fun. Moreso because no one really bothered me. It was a girl's night and far more enjoyable to me.

My sister told me that Roger complained about me not giving him 'the time of day'. Yeah....well....whatever.

Part of me yearns to love again. Part of me refuses. I don't know how to reconcile the two halves.

I have a drawer full of gorgeous sexy matched lingerie...but I won't sleep with anyone.

I long to love and be loved - but I won't talk to anyone.

How exactly do I go on this way?

Friday Night

Friday Night was an adventure.

I picked Taylor up wearing a wig that my mother dropped off to my as a joke earlier that day. It was a long, straight auburn wig with red streaks and bangs. Taylor was not fooled but moments later when I stopped by my father's to pick up my paycheck he kept repeating "Holy Shit".

Apparently the sexy wig called more attention to my figure. I told my dad I wanted to lose 24 more lbs and he said I shouldn't drop a single lb because I was "perfect".

High praise from the father that once called me a blimp behind my back.

Nonetheless, I kept the wig on and was astonished at the reactions. When we stopped in WalMart men looked at me like I was a stripper there to rip off my clothes. A gas station attendant beamed at me and tried to make small talk.

I stopped by the restaurant I work at to see my sister and I stayed outside so no one would see me and 3 co-workers still ran into me and their jaws dropped.

Apparently I need to grow my hair longer, wear it straight and get bangs.

After my sister got off work, I went out with her to our favorite hang-out. A bar on the beach. The bartender, an old and dear friend of my sister and her fiancees, didn't disappoint me by forgetting to beg me to show him my "tits" all night.

Roger was there. When the bartender, Dino, kept saying "I bet they're nice", Roger assured him that they were.

I felt sexy, but I also felt like meat.

Roger put the moves on all night and I tried to keep him at bay. I didn't want to be pawed. Truthfully, my sister had brought a few other friends with her and she was hoping to hook another girl up with Roger, but he definitely only had eyes for me all night. He's so nice, but as much as I like him in a friendly way - I just don't like him beyond that.

Several times that night it occured to me that I almost wish Jeff could see me now. I am 30 lbs and 3 dress sizes smaller than when he last saw me. Men check me out everywhere I go. There would be some small satisfaction in seeing him shocked at the transformation in me but it's not complete yet.

I want to lose 24 more lbs and I want to grow my hair longer and cut it differently.

Possibly with those bangs...

It was fun to be incognito for the night. It was entertaining to realize that the change in hairstyle freaked out the men who knew me and had them looking at me in a different way. Even my dad was gawking.

I enjoyed shocking people. I enjoyed hearing that I looked good. I was in simple black pants and a plain white t-shirt and I garned as much ogling as if I were wearing tassels and a g-string. And by the end of the night, I felt hot.

I drove home alone at 3:30 am. A car of men pulled beside me and stared. I noticed them, but pointedly didn't look at them. They slowed to match my speed to stay alongside me. I ignored them. They tried to follow me at one point.

That was scary...

I still have fat girl syndrome where I feel like a fat girl. There are moments like last night when for just a few minutes I can feel sexy and I like it, but I still can't handle men. Roger was all over me and I couldn't seem to deflect his attentions. I managed to escape with only a few kisses but it was a battle. I have to learn to be able to stop these men in their tracks and be direct and tough with them.

For a former fat girl, that's not easy.

Still....30 lbs and 3 sizes down...I do feel pretty damned sexy! :)

The Post That Wasn't

I wrote a great post. A post that explained everything. A revealing post that 'told all'. It explained why my reaction to Jeff has been so drastic.

And ultimately it was a post that could have put my life in danger. If not mine, then my daughter's safety.

So, it has been moved to draft. It will be republished in the near future once a few loose ends have been tied up.

The Psychopath

You've all been too kind to ask me why I am so full of anger over Jeff. I mean, it was "just a break-up", right?

Wrong.

The first thing you have to understand is that Jeff is a psychopath. I'm not saying this to be 'cute' - he is clinically a psychopath/sociopath. I realized this last year and promised him I would keep it between us, but I mentioned it in a post here (at the bottom) on February 3, 2006.

You can do your own research if you feel so inclined, but essentially a psychopath is a person who has a sort of defect within them. They can not feel basic human emotions. A true psychopath is not capable of love, hate, guilt, remorse. They can feel happy (sort of, they "like" when things go their way) or sad (sort of, the are "disappointed" when things go wrong for them). They learn early on through instinct to 'fake' these emotions to fit in. They become masters at mirroring your emotions and trying to be what you want them to be.

I used to write posts where I called him the "Amazing Programmable Boyfriend". All I had to do was tell him what I wanted and he would do it. If I said "hug me when I am upset" he'd do exactly that. Once, he tried that and I pushed him away and he was thoroughly confused. He thought he did what I told him to do and could not understand why it didn't just fix everything.

It's a bit like an alien, really. They don't understand human emotions, but they try to mimic them.

So, Jeff is correct when he says he never loved me. But, by the same token, he has never loved anyone - nor will he - he simply can't.

What he does is logical to him, but evil to the rest of us. He finds a woman who meets his needs. She has to be attractive, strong in personality and she has to have certain aspects that suit what he needs in his life. He prefers single mothers because he thinks they're "hungry" and thus he can manipulate them. I may have been the only woman he got serious with that was not a single mom when he met me, but there's another story behind that. STBX and Jill were both single mom's. What he's drawn to is vulnerability.

Jeff is drawn to ego, money and power. He has zero self esteem because inside he knows he is different. He and I discussed this many times. The impact of living this way (since birth) is that he's always had to 'fake' it and it's ensured he has no self-esteem. He does fake a high level of confidence to compensate for this. Jeff is 100% about image. He has nothing else, so his image is all he can ever cling to.

To be blunt - if one of Jeff's children were to be seriously injured - Jeff might feel concern, but he could not feel true distress. Again, he's not capable. His brain is not wired like 'normal' people.

As a child, Jeff displayed these tendencies young. He used to torture cats. I suspect there are a lot of secrets in his past. He once admitted to me that he was 'indirectly responsible for the death of a woman'. When I pressed, he told me some story about her committing suicide and how he blamed himself - but that was likely a 'half-truth'. Another trait is that he (and psychopaths across the world) is/are pathological liar(s).

Jeff is non-confrontational. He is a coward. He will actually hide from confrontation. Remember the incident at Golden Corral where a man was in my face yelling at me and Jeff was actually looking the other way (he was terrified). But he won't always be...most psychos begin to move towards violent tendencies as they age. Jeff's about 4-5 years away from becoming dangerous.

Psychopaths are notoriously VERY charming and Jeff was no exception. They learn to manipulate people's emotions because they are constantly faking their own responses and emotions and they ultimately learn what works and what does not. If Jeff is attracted to a woman, he will 'test' her out by flirting and once he sees what works he lays it on thick.

He also likes to play "fallen angel" and let women think they're unique to him. "I never knew I could feel this way...", "I never knew I could care about someone this much...", "I've never known real love until you...", "you make me a better person..." - all trademark lines he uses confirmed by me and women of his past.

Back to his need for a vulnerable woman. He prefers them to be vulnerable because he can try to appear like the strong knight in shining armor and earn their undying loyalty. If you remember correctly, Jeff fell in love with me when Hurricane Wilma took my house and left me homeless. Suddenly he was buying me a condo and wanted to 'take care of me'.

Why? Not love. Because I was vulnerable and he could 'save the day' and know it would make him a hero in my eyes. He needed to be seen that way. It made me trust him, love him and made me loyal to him.

Jill? Well, gee...she's a single mom of 4 kids. Her divorce to a mega-rich developer was final on October 31st. Not only does Jeff see dollar signs in her - and power through her connections - but she had the vulnerability thing going for her. She simply had better things to offer him. She had more money and she had the connections that he would feel he could gain power and influence through.

I can promise you right now that he will never ever marry her because it would cut into her alimony. And as long as she has alimony, she has her own money...and money for him. He'll make a big show of not wanting to take her money, but in the end he'll be drawn to the luxuries in her life.

It's not possible for me to be jealous because I know him. If you catch Jeff during an honest moment, he knows everything above is true too. We've discussed it openly. I once described him as the scorpion in the old 'scorpion and the frog' analogy. Jeff was taken aback by that.

"You think I'm the scorpion?" he asked me.

"You know you are," I answered him

He agreed. What Jeff didn't like was that I knew him. He told me I was too close. He admitted I knew him better than he knew himself. He would not dispute a single thing I have written.

Still...I loved him. What choice did I have? He was a master of the game and he made sure I loved him. I believed our love could save him.

But the research all proves that there is no cure, no treatment and no hope for this disorder. He simply is the scorpion. I didn't want to believe that but yes, I knew. I'd read it all.

So, when I rage here about Jeff and how he deserves to die - understand that it comes from a different place than you might think.

On one hand, he is very mentally ill. Is it fair of me to punish him for being the way that he is when he can not change? Is it right to condemn him for actions that are as much a birth defect as if he'd been born legless?

On the other - this is a man who is a danger to the world. He is pure evil and any research you find on the nature of a psychopath will confirm this. Again, this is not me just being 'cute' and calling him names...he actually is evil. He is a pathological liar, a manipulator, a con artist, a fraud (with a felony conviction to prove it) and he purposely uses and destroys every life he comes into contact with. He doesn't intend to, but it's his nature.

So yes, he deserves death. He can not be saved. He can not be helped. He will continue to ruin lives. Other notable psychopaths include Ted Bundy (also described as incredibly charming). Jeff will be as serious a menace. I can honestly tell you that I would not be shocked to learn Jeff had committed murders in his past. I can tell you that I know him well enough to know he could do it and not let it falter his step in the least. If he hasn't - he most likely will. The nature of a psychopath is that they grow increasingly frustrated with their lack of ability to accomplish what they want. They briefly succeed in business only to fail when they lose focus. They fail in relationships. Eventually, the frustration takes a deep toll.

Author Ann Rule, who knew Bundy personally even before the murders, believed that he was a "shadow man" who allowed the world to see what he wanted it to see and hid who he really was behind a façade. Rule stated that to most people, Bundy was a handsome, articulate, courtly, and brilliant law student, who loved to ski, sail and hike. He favored French cuisine, good wine, and gourmet cooking. But in reality, Bundy loved material possessions more than he loved people, and cared about objects such as an abandoned bicycle or an old car with more compassion than he could ever feel for another person. Rule stated that she believed that Bundy had no conscience or superego, and that he was merely mimicking the feelings of those he encountered in order to gain favor with them.

I would suspect Jeff could become a rapist. I mentioned that he was incredibly turned on when I would "fight' him in bed. I couldn't hurt him - he doesn't feel pain like nomal people do.

Like psychopaths, Jeff has some basic traits. He rips out his hair under stress. He doesn't sleep. He lies. He spends money carelessly.

When (if) Jeff snaps it's not hard to believe I'd be a victim. The problem is that I know and understand him too well and my very existence (and the fact that I am talking) is a serious threat to him. If I published this with his full name (so very tempting) it would be a huge threat to him.

He used to talk about having Dawn killed. He told me it would cost $10k. I thought he was being a smartass. Now, I am pretty sure he was serious. He said he couldn't because he'd be the prime suspect. When she was sick he'd laugh about it. When she had some sort of skin cancer, he'd voice his hopes that she'd die so he could take his boys. He laughed. What man laughs at cancer attacking the mother of his children?

Yes, I am to blame for falling for him. In my defense, I was in love before I realized what I had on my hands. By then, I was naive and believed we could handle it together. I didn't take most of my glimpses into his true self seriously. I told myself he was a wise-ass. I told myself he didn't mean it.

But all the answers were there.

So yes, I am consumed with anger and hatred. I am angry with myself for falling for it and being a victim. I am angry with him for targeting me.

I represented a challenge to Jeff. Remember how everyone so admired my marriage with Brad? Jeff was aware of it. To 'take me' away was a great challenge. Once the Hurricane hit, he saw his opportunity and he moved in full steam.

Now he's moved on. He calls her his girlfriend. I will tell you now she's only the next victim. When Jeff first described her to me he referred to her as "old" (40's) with (4 kids). He said she was attractive but he reiterated that she was 'old' repeatedly.

And, for the record, in addition to recollections, I have IMs and emails to back up everything I have said here.

Further, a thorough read of my archives and my past blogs will prove I chronicled every moment of this entire sham.

Just writing this post is a danger. Jeff no longer reads, but he still could and he would be apalled at very word. It's all true and he knows it, but he'd want to kill me for it.

If anything ever happens to me, several people know and have enough evidence to ensure he pays for it. One person in particular has a full list of contacts for everyone from Jill to his probation officer to his family 'just in case'.

This is why this is so hard. I'm not getting over a 'break-up'. I'm coming to terms with being the victim of a monster and watching him move on to another victim.

And I can't stop him.

But I can chronicle what happened to me here in my diary.

I weighed warning Jill. Dawn was adamant that she needed to be warned and I couldn't do it. She said she would. She never did. The truth is that Jill wouldn't listen. Just like I didn't. Jeff would tell her I am a bitter ex (like he told me Dawn was) and she'd believe him because she only knows what she's seen in him...and he only shows what he wants you to see.

They say that the movie "The Talented Mr. Ripley" best represents a psychopath's nature. I avoided watching it, but I think it's time...