PMS

I am beginning to realize that I regularly experience phases I think of as PMS. Not the cramps, bloating and crankiness that is associated with menstruation but rather a different type. I call it PMS for psychic moment syndrome.

I need to chart it to see how regularly it occurs or what factors trigger it. I don't know if it's a phase that follows the moon, my own womanly cycle or if it's just entirely random, but it is very real to me.

This already sounds like hoodoo-voodoo to me, but I swear - bear with me....I am usually really down to earth and I wish I could explain all of this to you better but it's impossible. I can't accurately describe things that I do not understand myself.

In my blog archives you can look back and see times I told you I felt this heightened awareness. I would have vivid dreams and occasionally would fall asleep knowing I was due for an important dream. My dreams always came true.

I mention this now because I am in the phase again.

The best way I can describe it is that it feels like some part of my brain wakes up and begins to send and receive signals. I am filled with insights and clarity. I begin to dream these vivid and intense dreams. They seem abstract but certain aspects are imprinted on my brain and they end up being some symbolic or metaphoric message that never fails to come true.

In the past, I blogged most of them. To be honest, a few of them I kept quiet because Jeff was reading my blog and I didn't want to tip my hand.

I didn't tell you that I knew something was very wrong with Jeff beginning in August. Some of my closest confidantes would tell you that I would be on the phone with them telling them that I knew something was there for me to find. I searched until I found it. When I did, all hell broke loose. But from August to late October, I was watching him like a hawk. I checked his phone records, his bank statements and I even checked his desk at work. I just knew there was something there to be found.

I'm not sure if the phase is weak this time or just beginning to 'ramp up' but it's here.

To best maximize the momentary gift, I will give all of my impressions here and we'll see what turns out...

• I feel more relaxed about Jeff. My hatred for him is still powerful, but I have this sense of confidence that he will suffer. Whether it's because he's wronged so many people or that he's just an ass-hat, I don't know, but I feel no need to screw with him because I can almost see the train heading right at him and in time he will get bitch-slapped hard by fate. Something is whispering to me that I don't have to worry because he will be getting punished for all he has done. This comforts me so much...
  
  I also got the sense that my hatred for him is so strong and so powerful that it is actually channeling energies to focus on him. Like I've moved into supernatural hatred and I am somehow summoning darkness to deal with him. I don't have to 'do' anything but my emotions alone are going to be a catalyst for what comes for him.
  
• I can tell you that the feelings I have towards Brad right now are born of trusting him and feeling safe with him. I don't believe he's "the one" but I can see myself feeling fond of him because he's been my 'rock' and because he's been wonderful to me. There's nothing deeper even if my emotions are confusing me right now.
  
• I am afraid for 2007. Less for me than for the world. I think terrible things are coming.
  
• I think I am moving into a place where I might be ready for meeting new people. I don't know if there's someone out there for me, but I feel like I might be nearing a place where I can try. I think it will take a slow path but I feel like I can start to relax a bit about it.
  
• I am aware that I am on a path. I dreamt of driving with Taylor - I was running a little late and I didn't really know where I was going, but I was driving as if I did. That tells me I am going the right way for now anyway...
  
• I am aware that I am bottling up my emotions too much. I dreamt of an overflowing toilet (ew) and it is said to represent this well...To see a clogged toilet in your dream, signifies that you are holding in and keeping your feelings to yourself. Your emotions have been pent up too long. To see an overflowing toilet in your dream, denotes your desires to fully express your emotions.
  
• I believe I am not alone. Someone or something is with me. Last night, in my dream I heard their footsteps. I feel like it's...I have no idea how to say this without sounding completely 'quacky' but I feel like it's a guardian or a guide or some sort of spirit watching. I have no idea if it is a good thing or a bad thing. The footsteps frightened me. I went into lucid dreaming where I could hear them getting closer and faster and I was afraid and kept praying my alarm would go off and wake me...it did...just in time. I felt like whatever was coming was trying to reach me before the alarm went off and I was very afraid. Whether I was afraid of something bad or of something new - I have no idea.
  

With my overworked self toiling away, I rarely dream anymore, but the last few nights you can see my dream cycle picking up. My dreams are always in technicolor, by the way - Sometimes the dreams are more revealing than others, but they all seem to mean something. My impressions from last night were clogged/overflowing toilet and Taylor running for the plunger, a bathing suit that I was painting orange trim on, a watch I could not find (I don't own one), footsteps, driving with Taylor...

I honestly can't explain it, but I can tell you this - when I go through these phases is when I truly feel alive. I feel energetic and confidant. I feel connected to something bigger than me. I have learned to watch and listen during these days. It usually lasts several days. I feel like all my pistons are firing.

When I am not in this phase, it's weird. I can tell you now that I feel disconnected. I feel like I am lost without my cell phone. You know that feeling you have when you leave something important at home and you just feel 'lost' all day without it? Like when a lady leaves her purse at home and you spend the day aware that it's not with you? That's how I feel. When the psychic phase departs (and it always does) I never fully feel completed but I am less aware of that feeling.

I wish I could explain it better. I only know that I am just now understanding that the phase repeats itself in my life and that I have learned to pay attention to it. My next step needs to be identifying a pattern to it - is it hormonal? Related to weather? Phase of the moon? Something I ate?

I was about to publish this when one last thing hit me. Whatever is "with" me is WITH me right now. I just got a strong smell of men's cologne/deoderant which is weird since I'm alone and the only male who lives here (my stepfather) wears only fragrance free things. I'm smoking at the moment (I know, I know) so I should only smell the smoke, but the whiff of scent was so strong that I actually smelled my own arm to see if it was me (it's not). It was an unfamiliar smell.

I'm not afraid right now. Only very curious and a bit excited. When this phase hits, it's like a phone call from an old friend who has all of the answers and I can't wait to find out what I need to know.

I wish I could keep this state of mind. I hate knowing it passes. I am somewhat glad that when I am NOT in this phase I feel unaware of what I am missing.

Despite my own perfume and the smell of smoke - that smell of a man is so strong right now. I don't 'feel' him as much as I smell him. This is a new one for me. I've never equated this phase with a presence. It's almost disappointing because maybe it's not "me" but rather someone 'else'.

Whoever he is, he smells nice. I still keep getting these whiffs. Like he's moving right around me. Now it's gone. Then it's not.

It's not a guido-ish Drakkar Noir smell, but a soft, masculine smell. It smells powdery. It smells like some sort of male deoderant. It's gentle. It's not overpowering or strong or sexual - it's...comforting? Not fatherly. Not romantic. Not friendly. Somewhere in between all of it.

Heh. My guardian angel is a man (poor guy) and smells nice. Doesn't THAT just figure.

This all sounds bizarre even to me. I have no doubt people will read this and think I have taken up drinking. If you TRULY know me or have read me for some time you might know me enough to believe I am really experiencing something interesting and not just a 'flake'.

There is just no way to convince people of these things, is there?

Whatever it is, it's been with me since childhood and has gotten stronger. As a kid, I used to take ordinary playing cards and assign meanings to them and try to read them like tarot cards. Except I was about 10. And I had never heard of tarot.

I was also fascinated by all things supernatural - ghosts and the like.

I used to dream I was a witch. I would try to fly (to no avail) on a broom.

Nothing in my teens that I can recall.

In my post-teens, I became stronger. I picked up tarot and was able to read them like a pro from the first turn of a card. I amazed and baffled my friends and co-workers.

I had my first REAL ouija experience. A board we bought for a party. I was alone. I was curious. I talked to two different people and being a total skeptic, I asked them questions I could verify but could not know the answers to. Like when they were born, when they died and how old they were at death - then I would do the math. I would ask who was president when they died then check it.

I spoke to Amber - a young girl who said she had died in an Amtreck wreck in the 80's. I never did verify this one. She said "You will make a nice woman" which scared the hell out of me because I kept thinking "For WHAT?" She also liked to call my fiancee at the time "Richie" instead of "Rich" which he hated.

The other man was an old man who moved SO slow that I would actually get bored. He died in his 80's and had done something with news as a soldier. He didn't have anything interesting to say but he loved to just talk.

Around this time I had a very vivid dream. In it I was in the "witch-burning times" and was watching a trial. A woman - a current co-worker of mine at the time - was being tried as a witch. I knew I had betrayed her. I had told on her. Worse, I was like a sister to her. I was a witch too and I had turned her in to save myself. She met my eyes during the trial and we both 'knew' I was a traitor. Weird because this woman and I were NOT friends. The dream was so intense I had to tell her about it and she freaked out. She had recurring dreams of her own that she was tried as a witch and had been betrayed by her own coven.

About 6 years later I met a high priestess of a pagan coven and met with her once a week to learn (not spells, but to learn more about the science of it all). I learned at this time that my gift was as an empath. I can 'feel' other people's emotions - usually TOO strongly. If a friend of mine is experiencing something, I feel it right along with them. I've actually learned to turn this off a bit but it used to be horrible.

Another several years later the recurring dreams began. I would realize I was having recurring dreams and that they seemed to come true.

Last year I began to realize I felt "aware" at certain periods.

Today I realize there's a pattern of some sort and possibly a presence (he's gone now).

I have no idea. I honestly wish I could somehow communicate this all without rambling.

I wish I could call some scientist and say MEASURE MY BRAIN WAVES NOW - or something.

It's indescribable (and obviously frustrating to not be able to describe it) but it feels so wonderful.

I feel alive, awake and energetic. I feel excited for no reason.