Steps to Sparkling

I keep telling myself "Don't look back, don't look back". If I do, I have a tendency to look too hard and send myself spiraling into sadness.

But I also can not look forward either. Not really. That scares me and also sends me spiraling into sadness.

All I can do is look at moment to moment. I can look at right now. Sometimes I can even look ahead a day or two, but no further.

So, let's talk about right now.

I feel good. I had a nice night at work last night - not too slow, not too busy. I made the money I wanted to make and never felt overwhelmed or "weeded".

I feel alert, sharp and positive.

I applied for another house. I have no idea if I will get it or not, but they practically crawled up my ass with a microscope...I supplied bank statements, a letter of explanation (not fun to write) and all of my personal details. Tonight my realtor will pick up a large check from me to be held in escrow as a deposit if I am approved.

And hey, if I am not approved - I will keep looking. I'm not going to let it keep dragging me down. I will be disappointed, but not hopeless.

My body aches just enough to let me know working this way is still a form of serious exercise. My legs and back are sore but not unlike a hard gym workout. If I could stop eating so much lately, I'd probably be a waif. These days I seem to be hungrier than usual. I'm still not gaining weight but I'm not losing either. I am stuck neatly at 158 for the moment. I tell myself that once I move, I will be able to cook healthy foods and exercise my target 'problem' areas.

I can look ahead just far enough to tell you that I am looking forward to the weekend. Brad and I are taking Taylor to the RenFest and it should be fun. I still enjoy my talks with Brad and consider him my 'best friend' but there's nothing there beyond that.

I've learned to focus on me and Taylor and not worry about men. I don't notice men for the most part.

I did have one nice realization. When I am in a good mood and I turn on the charm to my tables - people are usually really drawn in by my personality. A large party of 5 came in recently and one man was older and very drunk. When I spoke to them I was upbeat and friendly and I noticed he was fixated on me as I talked - like watching an animal at the zoo or something. Then he said something that brought me back to the old days.

"You sparkle," he said.

He didn't elaborate and I just laughed, but I knew what he meant. I wasn't wearing sequins or flashy jewelry - I was in my rather plain waitress uniform of jeans and a dull oxford shirt. it had nothing to do with what I wore or how I looked. This drunk man saw it. No one else at the table seemed to understand it - and his wife looked uncomfortable. When I am interacting with people at my best - I do sparkle. Something inside of me lights up and I am animated and engaging and you can almost see me twinkling.

Once upon a time, this was the characteristic that drew men to me like flies. It didn't matter what I wore or what I weighed - hell, I was 194 lbs when Jeff fell for me and no one is more shallow and looks-oriented than him. I was 170 when Brad fell for me. I've had men chase me at every poundage. The old adage that a personality can transform someone from average to desirable has always held true for me. I've never in my life wanted a man that I didn't have. It wasn't my looks - I am no raving beauty - it was that 'sparkle'.

I lost that sparkle with Jeff. It still peeps out now and again but it is very rare. You can't force it or fake it. You have to feel it. When it does emerge, people's reactions to me are always immediate.

Today, I am sparkling.

On the phone even, my customers are drawn into it. Cranky housewives are finding themselves chatting about happily about dogs with me. Busy men are morphing from serious to playful in the conversations. When I sparkle, I get bigger tips, more jobs and plenty of friendly interaction.

I want to keep sparkling.