Snap Out of It

It's a gloomy Monday and the town that hosted SuperBowl seems to have a hangover. The streets are quiet. The phones are silent. People are simply hunkered down.

There's a feeling of tired and weary. Looking outside, this place looks like a ghost town. When I ventured out for a sandwich earlier it was eerie. People were silent and sullen like zombies.

It's creepy. It almost looks like my surroundings absorbed my emotions and turned to grey.

I once read this great book, What Dreams May Come (not the movie, the BOOK! Big difference) and they explained how in the afterlife you shaped your world with your thoughts. Miserable could find themselves in a self-imposed "hell" created from the darkness and gloom of their very thoughts. As the environment worsened to match the thoughts, the environment would further depress the person and the thoughts would get progressively darker.

Hence, the downward spiral of misery was unstoppable.

I meant to write the above as a sort of observation about the day and the gloom and it just struck me how apt that all was. I just described my life, didn't I.

My guardian angels must be working overtime or I am in one of my occasional psychic phases because this post was originally titled "Snap Out of It" before I wrote a word and my original post was about my annoyance with people who told me to "snap out of it", "cheer up", "move on" and so forth.

Wow. Sometimes my psyche just creeps me out. There's an entire postworth of thoughts on these psychic phases I go through where my dreams become vivid and revealing and I seem to be able to pull answers out of thin air. Some combination of my hormones must occur randomly and ignite some sleeping part of my brain...but, I should remain focused on this train of thought right now....

Ok, back on task.

So - if the book accurately hit on that note, than the reverse detailed in the book should also be true - light thoughts, happy thoughts and joy also multiplied and lifted the spirit.

So...I just have to be happy right?

And, we're back to my original and erased thoughts that started this post before I rewrote it.

How the fuck do I get happy?

Because I am in that downward spiral. I feel like my thoughts get darker, my surroundings get darker and I am sinking.

And I want to be happy.

But how do you get there? I can't just stop hurting. The anger doesn't just dissipate. Focusing on the positive is exhausting because I have to look so hard to see it through all the negative in my life right now.

I need an emotional enema.

When I slept, my dream was of working. In my dream, I saw Brad. I wanted to put my arms around him and feel comforted.

I also saw two of the restaurant managers. One of them was unfairly yelling at me and I was defending myself loudly and angrily. The other manager, the General Manager, was nice but was not really listening to my complaints. He was flirting with me. He kept whispering in my ear. It was weird.

No clue what THAT means.

My 2nd job is weird. I like everyone and they all seem to like me. They also avoid getting close to me because most of them don't like my sister.

Even weirder - there is this young, punk of a line cook that everyone thinks is an asshole and not attractive and for some bizarre reason this kid looks like lunch to me. He's probably 22 at most and looks like trouble and I just love watching him. I don't talk to him. I go out of my way not to talk to him. If he DID talk to me I'd run. For some reason, I just love watching him.

I don't know. Everything feels deep, dark and strange today.

I still hate Jeff. I fantasized about his death again as I fell asleep last night.

It made me smile.