On the Couch

I have good days and bad days, like anyone else.

My good days are never as good as most peoples. These days a good day is one where I am not full of rage, crying or focusing on how unhappy I am.

My bad days are worse than most. On a bad day I will sob for hours when no one is around. I will lie in bed when I need to be working. I will vent, rage and write hateful things in my blog.

I've wondered about my blog. I'm finding a sort of safety net in keeping myself closed off from people. A secure feeling in not opening up to anyone, even though I sometimes miss that intimacy with another person. But I suppose I am not entirely closed off if I can share the deepest and most honest feelings here. I've considered not blogging and closing up further, but I have to admit that blogging helps me.

Some days, it is a place to share a happy thought. I tend to feel like no one really cares to hear when something good happens to me, so I share it here with myself. Only it doesn't feel like myself, it feels like confiding in a friend. Some days it is a place for me to pour out my hurt and my anger where there is no judgement. Sure, there are comments, but they can be read or not read. Ultimately, it lets me release.

I'm a fan of many TV shows - TIVO being my new best friend - and among them is House. Dr. Gregory House is about as closed off as they come, and to be honest he often reminds me of jeff with his lack of ability to feel. I suspect the character is loosely based on a pyschopath/sociopath because he embodies many of the same characteristics. The main difference being that Dr. House is an aggressive man and jeff is as cowardly as they come when it comes to confrontations.

Still, I find myself envying House's stoic ability to be so locked up that he won't share so much as a memory with another person. Some days I would like to be that closed.

I used to be an open book. I shared my blog with people I knew. I never wrote anything I didn't tell people. I had nothing to hide.

Now, I am a closed chapter. I smile, I'm polite and I go about my business and not one person that crosses my path has any clue how I am feeling inside.

I am also a big fan of The Gilmore Girls. The main character, Lorelai is so much like the person I used to be.

I envy her too. I would like to be that full of life and fun again.

Dr. House or Lorelai Gilmore - I suspect I will become more like one or the other as time passes.

I just wonder which...?

I've stopped eating again. I don't know why. I tried. I have a huge plate beside me that is bound for the garbage of a tuna steak and potatos. I took one bite and left it there. It's got to be thrown away now. I think my emotions inside twist me up so much that I can't eat.

I've struggled with my weight for years. After high school, I just put on the extra lbs. Somehow I managed to carry them pretty well so it was never a huge issue but I never imagined I'd actually lose it all.

I haven't lost it all. My ideal weight is still about 24 lbs away but I seem to consistantly drop lbs every week - eat or not eat. I'm sure the walking at my 2nd job helps. I bet if I drank water instead of soda I'd drop lots more.

I'm not dieting. I'm just...well, I'm doing nothing. I eat when I absolutely have to and I don't when I have no time or appetite.

My new jeans are loose. In total, I have dropped from a size 14 to a 10. I suspect I could manage to fit into an 8. I see no difference in the mirror. I don't look any thinner to myself.

I'm noticing a strange thing about myself with Brad. I actually noticed it before, but never understood it enough to discuss it.

When I talk to him, I feel something inside of me turn off. I become guarded. I become quiet.

With strangers, it's easier. I think the people I serve at the restaurant think I am this friendly, cheerful woman. I should get an academy award for my shifts. It's easy to fake it. I've always been able to fake a smile or a laugh when I am dying inside.

It's a defense mechanism.

I seem to have a lot of defense mechanisms these days.