Ow....

Everything in my body hurts...a lot. My muscles ache as if I had run a marathon. I am tired. My throat hurts. I am nauseated.

Still, I am focused.

I drove Taylor to the bus stop this morning. It was cold and I don't like to leave her there until other kids arrive. We waited there and as we waited Jeff drove past. He saw us and slowed to look at us. Every aching muscle clenched. I really, really don't like him.

Really.

Everyone told me I would stop loving him and I didn't believe them. Not only have I stopped loving him, but I could kick myself for ever loving him to begin with. He's the lowest form of life on the planet.

I doubt very much Jeff cares what I think of him but I have to say that if someone loved me (the way I loved him once) and then their opinion of me changed this drastically to the point that they really hated me - I would be seriously examining the kind of person I was. My love for him was true, deep and unconditional. To change so greatly is nothing short of a reflection on the sort of person he is.

Moving on.

I did well at work last night. It was slow, but a good night for me to get 'broken in'. I handled my tables well and everyone was nice. I am unbelievably sore today and I can only imagine how I will feel tomorrow.

My family is being incredibly supportive. I think that it has a lot to do with them seeing how hard I am working. I am being 100% open and communicative with them (hell, my dad even knows about the dirty sex and the $20 bet from Friday night). It feels good to have them all cheering me on and standing behind me. It feels good to know that they believe in me.

It feels great to know I am loved.

Wanting to be loved has always been a big one for me. I suppose I just sought it out more in my partners than in my family and myself. I am finding a greater contentment in the love of my daughter, my family and my friends than I ever found in a partner. The only thing missing is sex (because....ew!!!) and that's readily available from men anytime I want. I just want it less these days.

I can have sex. I'm unattached, consenting age and if I want to engage in casual sex I can do it anytime I want to.

I just don't want to as much. I suppose it is a vulnerability issue. I suppose it's a matter of just not feeling aroused. I suppose it's that I don't 'need' it right now.

Huh. That's unique for me too.