Pondering

Have I left him...or have I become him?

I continue to feel nothing. I went out with Roger last night and it was nice. I got tired around 11 from the cold and working so much and ended the night. He was disappointed, I was apologetic.

He says he understands. My sister swears he's not the type to get emotionally attached.

But...I'm not convinced. He's too...caring. He seems too interested in me as opposed to just having fun. I understand now that after a year with Jeff to have someone take an interest in what I want takes me aback. Jeff was so self-centered that I now feel invaded when someone is interested in my thoughts.

I think I pushed Lance back. Maybe away. I think I hope I did.

I'm cold. Not on the outside, but inside where it counts. I spend too much time wishing horrible fates on Jeff. I push myself so hard that people around me are worrying. They're moving from supportive to concerned. They think I am working too much, sleeping too little.

I've never been on my own before. I'm determined to do it right and well even if it means working 200 hours a week. I don't understand words like 'relax' anymore. I feel guilty when I am not at work. I can't relax until I move. Until I put my life back where it was before him. Hurricane Wilma was far less devastating than Jeff turned out to be but there will be a sense of pride when I restore my life without him.

Then I will relax once in awhile...but I will still have to work to move ahead.

Working is a drug to me. It's happened to me before and it's happening again. Work lets me focus on things other than my problems and I throw myself into it so hard that there is no room for anything else. I don't let myself feel tired or sore or overwhelmed. Hell, I am pretty sure if I stopped for a moment I would realize I am very, very sick right now but I keep moving and don't feel it.

I work tonight. I can't wait. I work every night until Wednesday. I may try to work Wednesday too. Then I am off Friday. I may try to work Friday too. I know it's too much, but
I can't stop. I've done this before - remember my gym addiction of 2004? I didn't want to deal with the marital problems between Brad and I so I began going to the gym 3 times a day to escape it. Forget drugs or alcohol...when I am trying to lose myself I become a force of perpetual motion. Like a shark I keep swimming so I don't die.

When I do pause for breath, I wait to see what I might feel. Like testing the waters - you dip in a toe and wait to see if it's cold or hot.

What I feel is frightening. Every moment, my hate for Jeff grows more and more powerful. I think part of why I push so hard to get my life back is to spite him. To say "Ha! I did just fine without YOU! Without ANYONE!" To stand in my own place and know I proved something to myself.

I daydream about horrible things happening to him. Some days I think if something really horrible happened to him I could feel happy again. The thoughts are ugly and dark and let me know just how much hate I have come to feel for him - so, I try to stay busy enough not to think.

It's time to move again.