Still Stressed, Still Angry, Still Bitter - But Focused and Trying to be Positive

My post today is just random thoughts...

1. When Brad and I lived together, our place was always a mess. With Jeff, we were always very tidy. I finally figured it out. Clutter breeds clutter. Taylor and I are crammed into a tiny room right now with all the possessions we could manage and it's a disaster. Games, toys, shoes and books litter the floor because there is NO other place for them. I have tried to rearrange and make space over and over, but it's hopeless. We do not fit in this room. I can't wait to move.

2. I'm deeply concerned about my belongings. Jeff has not paid rent and has not been in communication with the landlady and he's going to be evicted any day. He's planning to move to Boca. I'm beginning to think I am going to have to bite the bullet and remove all of my things from that house and pay for storage because he's not communicating with me either on that subject.

3. My daughter is precious. I love that kid more than life.

4. I worked my ass off last night and did damned good for a Monday. My budget is on track and I'm feeling good about that. My only setback may be a sudden need for 2 new tires for the Ex-Mobile. They run about $200 each but they are BALD. If some of you were wondering what to get me for my birthday tomorrow, might I suggest tires??? I work again tonight (of course) but I am so excited to be off Wednesday because I can't wait to be with Taylor. I know I see her in the morning and at night, but it's just not the same. I'm dying to just be with her.

5. I seem to have brushed off my male admirers pretty well. They're getting the picture. The fact is, I have no time to talk on the phone or go out so I chase them off. Well, we all know the other reason.

6. I am enjoying learning things about myself - good and bad. Sometimes when I talk, I say something and then realize "Holy crap, that's the reason I feel this way..." Today was a perfect example...

A friend told me that my work schedule was ridiculous and I needed to relax more, work less and trust that things would work out. I wanted to scream. Things will work out???? There's no way in hell I am going to sit back and coast along waiting for things to happen to me. Then I said something that opened my own eyes...I said that my daughter lost everything because I fell in love with a bad person and until I can put it back for her, I blame myself.

Epiphany.

As much as I want my own place just to sprawl out and relax, this is the heart of the issue. Taylor lost her room and most of her toys and things are still stored at the other house because we have NO room. Until I can put her BACK in her own room in a nice place with her belongings, I blame myself for this happening to her. So if I have to work 7 days a week and 16 hours a day to make this happen ASAP for her, I will. It's going to take another 2 months to do this and then I can cut back on my hours and relax and enjoy my family of 2 again. And I can not wait for that day. But if I cut back now, it could be 3 or 4 or 5 or even 6 months and that's NOT acceptable. That's far too long for my child to be sharing a room and crammed into a tiny space in a neighborhood where she can't play outside because it's not that safe.

So....I work. I work like a dog. Worse, I work like 2 dogs. And I love every minute because I leave, go straight home and count my money and examine my budget and plan my move. Every table I wait on is one small step closer. I am the only employee at this restaurant that begs them NOT to "cut me" (send me home) and while the other servers whine about wanting to get out of there or sighing because they got sat another table, I am asking for more, more, more.

Because come April, when I settle down under MY roof with MY daughter it will be heaven. I will appreciate it 1000 times more because of how hard I worked for it.