Wouldn't You Know It....?

And then there are the days I wake up like this. Filled with....I don't know...some sort of ugly feeling. Not quite bitter or angry or hateful, just not in my good, strong, hopeful place.

I've been trying to pinpoint what causes these shifts. There are two possibilities...

1. Dreams - I know I dreamt last night, but I can not recall the dream other than fragments. Could I have dreamt something to trigger this?

2. Jeff - I saw him last night. Did seeing him trigger it? I felt fine leaving him, felt fine going to sleep - but this morning I feel...grouchy.

Maybe I didn't get enough sleep. Maybe it's the hint of a cold I am wrestling with. Maybe Jeff's contagious.

New topic....

As I said, I cancelled all of my online dating profiles. There were two remaining "matches" on eHarmony that had begun contacting me...and, wouldn't you know it, they both have major potential.

The first is a real threat to my mindset. His name is Lance and he's from New Zealand, which means he has this super-sexy accent, is really handsome and when he talks to me, he actually makes me smile. Real smiles. He's not overtly sexual in talk which is a turn off for me when talking to someone new (You're a guy, you like fucking - I GET IT - get to know me first) and he seems really sweet, honest and has a way of being encouraging. Even more strange, unlike most guys I talked to who avoided the issue of me being a single mom - he is TOTALLY into it. He LOVES kids and he seemed as interested in meeting my daughter (not happening) as in meeting me.

When we talked about her being "gifted" he sent me links on summer programs for gifted children at Vassar.

When we talked about sports, he suggested several things she might like to try.

When we talked about travel, he recommended things she might like to see.

He left his family in New Zealand after some problems with his mother and his parents are now both deceased. Family is VERY important to him.

He grew up helping train wild horses.

He dreams of having a close-knit family, a farm, hosting holiday parties for families and friends...

He spent New Year's skydiving.

He was VERY interested in my relationship with Brad because it's important to him that there be peace and not a bitter ex in my past looking to come between us if we ended up "in love". He loved the idea that Brad and I were on great terms. He seems like the sort that would want to have a friendly relationship with my ex if we were involved.

I told him I was ending my dating phase to be Ms. Independent and he told me, "Christine, listen - if we are "meant to be in love" it will happen no matter what. All I ask is that you let me buy you a burger and a beer and see if there's something there. I'm not looking to compromise you, but if there's something there then we'll find a way to take it slow and easy and not let it affect your goals or your independence. I've waited this long - and for the right person, I will wait even longer. If that's you then you will lose nothing and only gain a shoulder, a smile and someone who will be ready to listen and help when you need me or stand back until you are ready to let me in."

So...yeah.

Interesting.

He got me on the last one and we're meeting for a burger tonight and a game of air hockey which we have both sworn we'll win. I told him I needed to ask Brad to watch Taylor and he suggested I bring her if he couldn't (Brad WILL watch her, my daughter does NOT go on dates with me)

It was just a few talks, but he knew how to talk to me (Jeff never did) and he knew what to say - and it all sounded sincere.

I told my sister that I hope he turns out to be a jerk because I don't want there to be anything "there". I hope his pictures are all lies and he's ugly and vile and belches over dinner. I hope he limps. I hope he's impotent. I hope he's rock-stupid. I hope he's really fat. I hope he's rude and makes awful jokes and I hope he smells really, really bad.

Still, he got me to agree to go and I have to admit that I am curious.

I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not picking out my wardrobe or wondering about my hair...

But...I am curious.

The second candidate is an expert witness for criminal cases involving drug or alcohol abuse. He's REALLY cute and has a daughter too (who is beautiful!!!). He sent me one message yesterday and I responded - his was warm and sweet and made it clear he is looking for love too.

Hmph. eHarmony loves to fuck with me. I decide I WANT to be alone and they start sending me perfect matches. WTF???

You realize, of course, that BECAUSE I decided to be alone by choice that one of these 2 men will be perfect, right? That's how my life works. I try for a baby for 10 years - the only time I manage to get pregnant is when it is ridiculously impossible to have a baby and then I have a miscarriage or lose the baby at birth.

When I look I never find. When I decide NOT to look, they come to me. Perfect.

To some extent I admit that I regret agreeing to go. I can't describe it but I have this....feeling that it will be more than I want to handle right now. I'm finally beginning to relax and enjoy being solo/part of one and I don't think I want to give that up right now. I don't even want 'casual dates'. Hell, I don't even want random sex at the moment. I just want to stay on path and find myself and I think this is the most valuable journey I could ever be on. I hate thinking that Mr. Right could pick now to show up and compromise all of that.

But the things he said. The way he said them. He really made me curious.

I had dinner last night with Brad and Taylor. It was fun and I noticed Brad has his walls sky-high with me. I think he feels that expectation from the world too that we're supposed to reunite or something and we're both feeling like we're watched or something. I'm glad he has the walls up because neither of us wants to go down that path and I think if either of us tried to open that door it would cause problems between us. I'm happy to be friends, but I think we need to stay only friends.

See? When I talk about these things - like being alone, being independent and being single I actually feel better. I feel hopeful and content.

I don't want to be sidetracked.

So....why the hell am I going?

I have to start paying closer attention to my eating. Yesterday, Taylor and I loaded up into my Ex-Mobile to go have dinner with Brad and it hit me...I was starving. I thought about why it felt so intense and realized I had forgotten to eat at all yesterday. It was almost 8 pm and I had eaten nothing.

At the restaurant, the 3 of us shared a small appetizer of boneless buffalo chicken tenders. I think I ate 3-4. I then had a 1/2 sized Southwestern salad. Not much food, right?

After...? I felt like I'd eaten 47 Big Macs. I was uncomfortably full. I was bursting. I felt overstuffed.

My stomach seems to have shrunk from the change in eating habits and I need to keep my portions VERY small so I don't feel that way again.

I also have to watch my attitude with food. I have noticed that in my quest for control and independence that I seem to enjoy that "hungry" feeling. When it hits, my stomach burns a little and my body knows it wants food, but my mind says "No, wait. It will pass." If I ignore the hunger feeling, it DOES pass after about an hour or two and I don't feel hungry anymore. I think my subconscious has found a feeling that it has control over and is enjoying exercising that control. My eating habits have nothing to do with dieting or weight loss - yes, I want to lose more weight but no, I am not 'trying' to - rather, I think my eating habits are a mental issue where I am relishing one thing that I feel is within my total control. When I phrase it that way, I begin to understand eating disorders.

I'm wearing a sise 10 these days. Comfortably. Not snug or tight. In fact, I'm probably not far off from dropping another size. 4-5 months ago I was a size 14. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the weight loss. I still see the same girl. People see me and comment on the weight loss and I shrug it off. It doesn't flatter me or make me feel 'good', rather it's an issue I don't feel like discussing. If I do discuss it and mention wanting to lose another 28 lbs, they look concerned and tell me it's too much (it's not).

So, why do I still see the same size 14 girl in the mirror?

Working 2 jobs should take my mind off that too. The hustle should help me shed more. I wonder if my personal impression will change?

Having written all this - as blogging does - has lifted my spirits and reset me to feeling better. Which is good. Because when I started, I felt like kicking a puppy.

Now? Well, I feel a bit better. I may blog excessively today to keep focused. Bear with me.

By the way, I love my comments and emails. I spill a lot of truth here, often not pretty and I have been lucky to have no trolls come out. I'm not sure you commenters and emailers know how much you actually add to my day, but it feels like hearing from a friend and you really do lift me.

See? I said something nice. Better, right?

Lastly - Dawn. She's still reading. I'm feeling good enough not to care at the moment. Instead, she's a bit like a warning sign to me. She is what I could become if I let myself dwell on Jeff. Someone who can't let go.

Some days it's hard for me. I loved Jeff. Having said that, I would never be with him again. When I say that I loved him, I do not say it lightly...I gave him everything I had inside of me and I loved him more than I have ever loved another person. He really hurt me badly. I don't mean to sound callous, but from what I understand from stories - Dawn never loved Jeff this way. If she's lucky, she does love her new boyfriend this way. That leaves me to believe that she struggles not with love, but with anger and hate. I know this feeling well because I struggle with it too.

Letting go under any circumstances is very hard. In a strange sense, she and I are fighting the same battle. Unfortunately, he is the father of her children and she will be struggling for life. I am luckier. The child conceived by Jeff and I miscarried last May. It was a blessing in disguise because Jeff will always choose to take a new girl out on a $400 date over paying child support any day. If I had to look to him for support, I'd have better luck begging a wall for some understanding. I didn't marry him, even when he asked me to, and I escaped an even bigger trainwreck than I could have. I lost a year of my life to him. She lost 10.

I don't like her. Not at all. I've heard her talk. Heck, I've listened to her lie. I suspect she will wrestle with anger issues her entire life.

I may wrestle, but I work at them. She reads this blog daily (many times a day) to stay connected to a past that is ugly and hurtful to herself (and the rest of us). It's like quitting smoking...there is so much more to be gained by letting go.

Still, her choice. Me? I'm going to use her as a "Glamour Fashion Don't" and make sure I stay on a better path.