You Must Know

You must know how much I hate you. I have never in my life ended any relationship where I actually grew to hate the other person the way that I hate you. Even in middle school where break-ups were clumsy and poorly handled, we remained excellent friends.

Not you. With the distance to see you clearly I am apalled that I let myself love you. I wish I could say I never did love you, but I did. I was a fool. I was manipulated. I am disappointed in myself for having given my heart to someone so incredibly unworthy.

Last night at work it was very slow. We have one manager who is GREAT as a person (I would hang out or have drinks with her any day) but sucks as a manager. When the night starts and we are fully staffed all is fine. Within an hour or so, the rush dies and she keeps the floor fully staffed. Half the staff wants to be "cut" so they can go home while the other half is just loitering hoping for tables. It sucks to watch someone you know wants to leave get sat a table while you wait your turn.

Still, I made a few measly dollars.

I was asked to work tonight and the server who wanted me to work for her offered me $20 on top of it to cover her shift. I had to decline. I need to be with Taylor tonight.

When Taylor suggested going to my restaurant for dinner I wondered if it wasn't time to start spanking her again...

This weekend I actually have one guilty pleasure planned. My sister and I are going to St Petersberg to see Blue October in concert. They sing "Hate Me" (Jeff's song for me - how appropriate!) and a number of others that I love.

Originally, Jeff was going with me. When I bought the tickets a few weeks ago, he was planning to work it out so he could go. In the past weeks, I decided there was no way in hell I was taking him and invited my sister. I never officially 'un-invited' him, but I suspect he knows that I think he is pig-shit and isn't packing a bag or preparing his lies for why he can't see his kids.

I'll be gone only overnight. I thought about taking Taylor instead, but I am concerned the concert might be rough and her safety is too important to me.

I wouldn't go - but I have to admit, this is my one and only birthday present to myself. I turn 34 next Wednesday and I expect no one to remember, nor will I celebrate it in any other way. I plan to lie low and hopefully work that night to forget it. Long time readers know I am a BIG birthday celebrater so you should see the changes in my life post-pig-shit. I have no desire to mark the day.

In many ways, I feel like I am running a race in purgatory. My life can not begin again until I move and I am working my ass off to make that happen. I know I want to move to a more expensive area and my family thinks I am making the wrong choice - but I HAVE to restore Taylor's life. Her school and her friends are there and until I can put her back there, I won't feel right. I'm willing to work harder, more, longer to accomplish this for her, but it's something I have to do.

Once we move, I can slow down a bit, though I will continue to work a few nights a week. I'll just work the days that Brad has her instead of every day. But until we move, I have to run this race and finish for my daughter.

She may never grasp that this is an act of love, but moving to this location restores all that Jeff took away from her when he had his mental breakdown.

It's my way of trying to tell her how sorry I am beyond words.

I also feel like I can't put him to rest until I move. Every minute I race to job #2 or come home to a cramped, crowded space where Taylor and I have to crawl over and under furniture I hate him a bit more.

All signs point to him being evicted soon. I still bet he moves in with Jill in Coral Gables so he can further wrap his toxic tentacles into her life while living off of her luxury digs inherited from her own divorce.

And if she's that stupid (as I once was) than I think she deserves the inevitable outcome.

It appears I successfully released Lance. It's a shame because he was such a nice guy. Had I met him in another time and place - things could have been different. In this time and place, I'm just not ready for anything that comes with 'feelings'. Fun, detactched, carefree - that's more appealing. Someone who hangs out with me one night and then forgets to call me for a week or two. Perfect! Isn't it strange how post-pig-shit, Mr. Right has become Mr. Wrong and vice versa for me?

Roger seems to also be slowing down. Maybe my sister or her fiancee warned him to back off?

Fine by me.

I haven't stopped to consider how odd my relationship with Brad is, but from time to time things crop up. Brad is working for a major beer company and he visits local resataurants regularly for service. My restaurant is one of his accounts, so most of my co-workers know my ex-husband. They like him. One guy is pretty friendly with him and has gotten to know me and he asked why we were getting a divorce because we both seem great.

I told him Brad and I have a better divorce than most people have marriages. It's true. Somehow, even in divorce, we are once again the role model. How bizarre.

One thought lurks in the back of my mind. Although I feel nothing for Brad (like everyone else - I am numb to it) I do realize he is the one person on this earth that I am not afraid of. I can talk to him. I can tell him any and everything or we can just discuss the weather. In my newfound place of not trusting anyone, I now trust only him. We may not agree all the time, but I know he has my best interests at heart.

I regret ending my marriage.

I can do nothing to change it. The feelings aren't there for either of us and the way our lives work now, we don't fit in each other's worlds.

I'm still glad he's there as my friend.