Danger, Will Robbins, Danger!
Aha...I am being tested.
I'm not ready for this. I'm not strong enough. I'm not emotionally ready for this. I'm 30 days from my move and one slip could cost me everything I have worked so hard to gain in the past 4 months.
I have two issues in front of me.
1. Jeff is back. He's sorry. He's single. He isn't trying to get back together, but there are email exchanges between us. He's trying to find himself, find solutions, find a job and I am just stupid enough to keep offering to listen or help. I realize now how easily he can manipulate me even if he's not trying to do just that...I respond to him still. He still has control of me. He still can get reactions from me. I am not sitting here wishing for him back - I can't do that - but in a few emails I find myself free of anger and feeling friendly and wanting to help him.
He is beyond skilled at what he does to people. He is almost Jedi-Mind-Trick skilled. He tells you his pain and then softly rebukes your offers of help which seem to only inspire you to want to help that much more. He paints himself as hopeless and when you begin to want to help him he paints a newer picture of hope for himself. One moment you feel needed, the next you feel as though you are cheering him on. How he does this is beyond me and I'll be perfectly honest - it scares the hell out of me.
I have 30 days of running into him. I haven't seen him since December and he hasn't seen me. In 30 days he could change my life all over again if I let my guard down and he's already gotten back into my life with hardly any effort.
I am terrified. What if I fall for this all over again? How did this time go by and this hatred bloom into a murderous rage only to be puffed out with one breath. Am I stupid? Am I gulliable? Am I weak? Probably yes to all. I only know that I can still obviously be twisted around his finger. It scares me. It disappoints me.
2. Brad. What is this I feel for him? Am I confusing something? Is it because he is the only person I trust? I don't want to tell him how I feel or what I think because I am not ready for anything to change one way or another. Part of me suspects that he knows, but then I remember that man aren't quite as insightful as we think they are.
I found myself asking him to grab a quick, cheap meal with Taylor and I on Thursday. He's not sure he can. I wonder if he realizes why...Thursday is March 1st. Since we are still technically married it will be our 11 year anniversary.
I wonder what it means that I began to cry when I wrote that.
How did I get back to a place where I was confused over Brad and Jeff again?
I need to focus on this move. It needs all of my attention. This is too important for my heart to get in the way now...
4 comments:
Oh be careful with Jeff!!!! Please please please be careful with Jeff!!!!!!!!!!
I hope that Brad takes you up on dinner on the 1st.
This is like a guy thinking with his dick. Wants to do the right thing but the little head is pulling him in another direction; it can lead to certain destruction(sometimes). This is a test only you can take, on the other side is greater strength or destruction. Only you can decide.
Been there, done that. Don't want to do it again. He's just looking for a place to live since he's going to get evicted soon. And even if he doesn't, he won't have any furniture. You can't help him; and after what he did to your family, you shouldn't even try. Once he's back on is feet, he'll return to all of his old ways and you'll be back to where you were in December except you'll need to look for yet another place to live. Don't be an enabler for him and his destruction of everyone around him. You have worked too hard these past few months to give everything you have worked for away. April 1st is right around the corner. Who knows when you would be in a position to move into your next house if you let him infest this one?
If you need strength, look at Taylor and how miserable she was when you were with him. She wasn't miserable because she was miserable. She was unhappy because you were unhappy, even if you didn't know it. Our children are a mirror of us. If you and your partner are both happy; then the kids will pick up on it and be (relatively) happy. If one or both of you are unhappy then they notice that as well and are become unsettled. When we are confused between head and heart, they often the best barometer.
Men may not be as insightful as women but we do know our wives/girlfriends if we have been together for as long as you and Brad were/are. If you don't tell him then nothing will change. He probably knows where you are right now better than anyone and is doing his best to help. (Even if it means not giving you an ego boost by flirting/showing more interest.) As you know from your own feelings, fires that burn so strongly for so long don't go out in a year.
I'm sure that he knows the significance of this coming Thursday. Even when you were with Jeff he remembered significant events that you had shared. (Remember the box?) It's just a strange thing to "celebrate" your anniversary with your almost ex-wife. But, in the end, he'll probably accept your invitation just because you asked. Men will do a lot for the women they care about, even if they don't have a "relationship".
You got back into this place because no one person meets 100% of another person's needs. Part of the reason that Jeff was so attractive was because he had qualities that Brad didn't have. For example, he is much more ambitious. And, because you were so accustomed to Brad's strong points like being affectionate in public, that you didn't really think about what you were giving up. That's not to say that you took him for grated, but after being together for so long, you attributed many of his good qualities to being in the category of that's what men do rather than that's what *special* men do. So, in a way, you superimposed some of his good behaviors on Jeff. Now the same thing is happening all over again.
Don't fall for Jeff's tricks. If you can stay strong, he will show his true colors soon enough. Sometimes, a zebra can't change its stripes.
ditto ditto ditto
I'm glad you are able to forgive, because that helps you, but don't forget!
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