I am a Survivor

The pressure I am under is intense.

I am still not recovered from being hit-and-run by the Jackal (Jeff) and working 70-80 hours a week. I am putting every penny in the bank. I am desperately trying to get my house and fearing the worst because of credit/rental history woes also courtesy of the Jackal. (I am convinced that I dated and was pseudo-engaged to Satan).

I am a mess.

Tonight I got hit with a migraine that had me lying onthe bed upside down, pushing my skull into the mattress, sobbing and fighting nausea. My stepfather was downstairs on his 4th pack of cigarettes and I couldn't breathe. I also couldn't move, so I had to ride it out.

But I recovered. I still swear Excedrin is the miracle drug. Did you ever see My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Remember the father and his Windex obsession? That's me and Excedrin. Headache? Tootheache? Cramps? Tired? Sad? Sore back? Excedrin cures it all. Two Excedrin and a Coke will kill anything - Three for serious problems. 3 cured me tonight.

So, in recovery - I hit the news pages online. I'm a news-a-phobe. I read about Britany Spears. The more I read the more I felt better about myself.

I mean - c'mon...you have a beautiful, rich, famous young woman who is going through a FRACTION of the pain and suffering I went through and has a huge support system, tons of money and she's losing her mind?

And here I am. Sad, but surviving. I'm not drinking (although I did briefly have this brilliant idea that I could become an alcoholic just to join AA and find supportive friends in my life). I don't do drugs. I don't party every night. I just work, take care of my daughter and keep moving.

So, I guess I'm doing alright after all.

I'm a Survivor.

My best friend, Todd tells me all the time that I am the strongest woman and the 'toughest bitch' he knows. I always think he's insane. I don't feel strong at all. But I love when he says it. It makes me feel like I have to persevere so I don't lose that image for him.

But really - what choice do I have?

If I didn't work, Taylor and I would live like this forever. Unacceptable! If I just let myself break down and scream I might never stop. Would any of that save me or help?

There is no choice in my life right now.

If - and I mean IF I get approved tomorrow for this house, I found that I am $250 short in my move budget. An unexpected pet deposit is throwing me off. I have 3 weeks to make up the difference...so...I guess I will pick up extra shifts and work even harder. How that's possible, I can't imagine...I am running on fumes now but it would have to be done.

3 weeks of SUPER hard work. I can do that.

I just need that approval.

Bloggers - I'm putting out an open call to you. If you pray, pray for me now to get this place. If you're pagan, light a candle for me. If you're any other religion - call out to your god for me now, please...

You will be rewarded with infinitely better posts if I move.

If I get declined....well, I don't know what the hell I will do. Then all my hard work is for nothing and I will have a meltdown tomorrow.

But I will survive.