Into the Looking Glass

When I fell asleep last night I left my favorite show on pause so this morning it made sense to stop it for later viewing. When I did, Dr. Phil was on and I rolled my eyes and reached for the power button on the remote.

But then I stopped. He was talking to a couple. A woman who's husband had an affair with her sister. She couldn't get past it. This didn't have much to do with my life, but what Dr. Phil was saying was making perfect sense to me.

I sat. I watched.

It began when I heard him say "Time heals nothing. It's what you do with that time."

Uh-oh.

I've been waiting all of this time thinking that time was somehow going to heal me. I kept waiting for that day I would wake up and think "Jeff-who?"

Clearly that plan is out.

So, I started thinking...what do I need to do to heal?

Then I reminded myself that murder is illegal and had to try again.

What do I need to do to heal?

First, I feel like I have to close this chapter of my life. I'm still not sure how. A part of me feels like he has to be stopped. It would be different if this was 'just a break-up' and not a well-orchestrated con that Jeff pulls on woman after woman with the same outcome every time (destroying her). It would be different if Jeff were not a mentally-ill man who was incapable of changing his ways or of a different outcome. The way things sit, it's like being raped and beaten - knowing who raped and beat you and watching him lure new victims into his web and not doing anything about it. It eats at me. It makes me feel powerless.

So, then the next thought is why don't I tell Jill? Well, many reasons. First, Jeff continues to have me under his thumb since I took over payments on his truck. I can't afford another vehicle without sacrificing a place to live. Yes, we have a signed and written agreement, but I wouldn't want to test it in a court of law. Second, because all of my belongings are still in "our" home with him and I don't want to lose them or have them destroyed for the same reasons.

And last, because I don't think she would hear me. Jeff's ex-wife tried to warn me, but she was angry and bitter and when she did so it was with malice and I just believed Jeff when he told me how terrible she was. I assumed this was just spite. Yes, I am angry and bitter and full of my own malice so why on earth would she listen to me? I would hope she's smarter than me but still....

So, that idea is out. So...how do I close this chapter? Just walk away and not look back? Decide future victims are 'on their own' to figure him out? I have to admit that this is the hardest choice but probably my only choice.

Jill - you're on your own. Good luck, honey. Because from what I have learned and what I believe - you never knew he was cheating on me with you and I understand you're a nice person. You don't deserve what's in your future. I wish I could warn you, but I can't. Maybe it's not even my place.

So, let's work on closing THAT door. It hurts like hell to have to swallow the idea that there is no justice but that's what it comes down to.

Next, moving on. Move out is a big number 1. Get my stuff back is tied to that. The vehicle is #3. I need my truck but it still ties me to him. I have no idea how to manifest a reliable vehicle and still be able to move, but I'm going to have to work on that idea.

Last, heal. How the hell do I heal? This one stumps me. How do I forget that I was completely blinded by love and let him do this to me? How do I ever trust another person again? How do I find the relationship that I want when I can't stand the idea of a man being near me? I hate to even look at men because it's traumatic. It's a catch 22. I want to find love, trust and a relationship but I am TERRIFIED at the idea of ever letting a man get that close to me.

I have no idea...

People told me it would take time. Dr. Phil said "Time heals nothing." So...what?

This is the one I will have to figure out. Not today. I'm not even remotely close to being ready for a relationship right now. I love the idea of a person in my life in that way, but I'm just not emotionally ready. It's hard to imagine that I ever will be, but I hope that day will come. Will I just wake up one morning and think "Ok, time to find love!"?

This step I will take my time on. Mostly because I just don't know what else to do. In the meantime, I will devote that time and energy towards me and being a better person myself.

And Dr. Phil has earned a place in my TIVO rotation. I heard him today and it prompted a closer look at me. Maybe a daily dose will do me some good.

Or...maybe I will eventually snap like a twig and be tried for murder and we'll see if temporary insanity holds up.

After all, I honestly believe I am nothing if not insane after this mess.

And Dr. Phil? I'm half-kidding about the murder thing. Really... And the other half loves my daughter too much to go there, so he's safe unless I can kill him with the sheer power of a hateful look or with my thoughts.