Refocus

I feel like I am refocusing myself again and I expect that is a good thing.

The Secret continues to work for me in the money arena - the only area I have really been able to successfully apply it. If I walk into work and say "I won't leave with less than $50" on a weeknight - I tend to leave with $75 or $85. Other servers leave with far less because it's slow but I earn good, solid tips and it seems to get busy for me towards the end of the night. The managers have learned that I don't want to be "cut" from the floor until the very end and tend to work with me. The hosts know I want to be sat and they seem to help too.

I would love to find other ways to apply The Secret.

Maybe my weight is an area. I weigh 158 today. Again, the lowest I have weighed in over 14 years. I have this little red dress that I bought right after Taylor was born that was so cute. It fit (snug) then and looked great. It was a size 11. I wore it once or twice. I saved it. I used to try to squeeze into it as a measure of my progress.

I tried it on today. It's too big. It fits, but it's loose.

I can look at my Excel spreadsheet (I organize my life by excel - budget, to do lists, weight, etc) and see that since September I have lost 30 lbs. I can't see the difference in the mirror. Yesterday, I ran out of the house to work in my usual dark blue jeans and a black tank top. I had my work shirt with me to put on later. I was surprised to notice that even in my disheveled state I turned two heads that I noticed. One leered, the other just 'noticed obviously'.

The weight drops slower now than when I was in my deepest grief. Probably because I eat nothing but fast food and drink soda. I have no kitchen, no pots or pans, so it's not a choice, but a necessity. I do notice my body tightening up. My stomach is flatter and I am getting more toned from the walking I do at the restaurant.

In the back of my mind, the weight loss pleases me. But it's a small victory because looking better on the outside does nothing for the way I feel on the inside. What good is looking nice enough to attract male attention when emotionally I can not tolerate male attention?

It actually reminds me of how I put the weight on to begin with.

In high school, I had a great body. After high school I was revelling in my newly adult freedom and found I was constantly fending off men. There were situations that made me feel uncomfortable. I hated being cornered by strange men everywhere from gas stations to nightclubs and I began to put on weight about that time. I think it was a sort of defense mechanism there too. When I went from "great body" to "okay" or "average" or even "plump" men tended to have to fall for my personality and my appearance and it suited me.

At no point in my life since high school have I wanted a man I could not have. Every man I had an attraction for was mine - either briefly or long term. I liked knowing it had as much to do with my personality as whether or not they found me attractive.

It's funny today, well - maybe funny only in the ironic sense - that I look better, but have lost my personality. I am no longer outgoing or full of life. I am quiet, hesitant, withdrawn and cynical. I am no longer openly sexual or flirtatious but rather very standoffish to the penis people. I regard them as vicious animals and I move among them with the same guarded sense as a postal worker might approach a mailbox guarded by a dog. I lie low to avoid attracting their notice and if I do get their attention despite that I put on a false bravado to keep them at bay.

I may look better, but I'm not going to be wowing the dating scene anytime soon. Or ever.

When I used to dream of losing the weight, I wanted to be desirable. It started with Brad's low libido. I wanted to be such a knockout that he and every man alive would drool and thus Brad would want to ravage me all the time.

Now, I am content to look nice for myself. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me or how I look.

I really, really don't.

The only bright spot is that I will get to look good at my sister's wedding in April. The bad side is that Roger will be there and I will be dateless at the wedding and probably coping with bitterness and terror at the idea of a wedding.

jeff and I were supposed to be married this year.

I talked to an old girlfriend, Tammy, today. Tammy was my rock through the worst of our breakup. She knows both me and jeff and she has been there through it all. I told her how much I hate him. I really do. I am completely full of the darkest hatred known to man where he is concerned. I long to castrate him.

No progress on the house front. For the moment, the focus has to be on accumulating the money. I can't make a move or put a deposit down until the end of this month at the earliest. I am still on track budgetwise, but it's frustrating to have it feel so far away.

My loneliness seems to be passing. I am not down and missing touch today. My life is one giant 'to do' list and being touched isn't on it. Honestly, I think if someone did reach to touch me I would slap their hand away.

I have strange relationships in my life. Two in particular. Brad and Todd.

Brad - my own stbx - is still my best friend. I think if I were capable of loving, I'd feel it for him. Right now I am not. Still, having him in my life to talk to - even though I can never really tell him how I feel - is so valuable.

Todd - Todd has been my long distance best friend for over 10 years. He lives in OK. We've met in person one time. In a weird sense, Todd and I love each other. I'm not sure we would if we were in the same town, but from a distance we do. Todd has a serious girlfriend, but he also thinks I hung the moon and never fails to tell me so. Todd is the one person I can tell everything to because he's a bit like a living blog. We IM or talk on the phone from time to time and he listens. He's had a rough time and went through many years as a major alcoholic where our conversations could get ugly and often ended with one of us slamming down the phone (only to call again the next night like nothing ever happened). He will never forget that I was there for him and he feels obligated to repay the debt. I do love Todd - in a very weird way, he is my most intimate relationship today. Todd and I have never touched, only hugged. We did dabble in one bout of phone sex and a few incidents of racy talk in the past. Somehow, he keeps me connected to a better part of myself. We are "all the we can be" to each other...we could never be more than this. We'd never work as a couple, nor would either of us want to try. Our friendship is more valuable.

The list of men in my life is so much shorter these days, isn't it?