So very many thoughts
Wow - where do I even begin to spill my thoughts?
- The weight loss. I touched on this in my last post, but lacked the time or proper level of "awake" to really discuss it.
I am finding myself being forced to learn a new walk, so to speak. I honestly do not know how to deal with the male attention I am beginning to get. It dawned on me today that the last time I was on the receiving end of this much attention was close to the weight I am now. I mentioned that I am built curvy with breasts and hips - an hourglass shape. I'm balanced on top and bottom and something about this weight seems to attract men.
Sometimes it's a look or a smile. Other times it's a male co-worker or friend telling me I am "gorgeous" (I'm not). From time to time it's a major come-on. Sometimes they grope. I get touched, brushed and rubbed.
I don't like it.
I used to wish I could be desirable in appearance. Now I feel like I'm suddenly wearing neon or something that is drawing men to me and I honestly don't like it. I didn't like having 2 different men touch the tattoo on the small of my back last night. They were strangers who walked behind me in a bar. When you sit, the pants ride down just enough to offer a glimpse, but not enough to be obnoxiously low. I was unaware of it until the first finger touched the butterfly and I jumped. Both men apologized with a rather smart-ass smirk that told me they were not sorry and I ignored them outright to make them go away.
It's sad to say, but it almost makes me want to put the 30 lbs back on.
How weird is it that I spend all my life wanting to be pretty and attractive and sexy and the minute I begin to approach that line, I hate it? - Even with that, I did have fun last night. I laughed and got to loosen up. My sister and I threw goldfish crackers at each other in a bar and were just silly. It was a great time, considering...
- Brad. I saved the best for last. Brad services the draft beer lines at my restaurant. Last night they went down just hours after he had come in to pick up Taylor as I started work. The managers begged me to call him for help and I did and he came all the way back with Taylor to help rescue us. As a town hosting SuperBowl, being without draft beer is like a suicide wish...
He came in and saved the day and they bought his dinner.
It hit me about then.
Was it being alone? Is it because he's the only man I trust? Is it our past?
Whatever it is...I felt it again. I felt butterflies. I felt breathless. I felt horrified and I was on the verge of tears.
No...
He's moved on. There is no way we could reconcile. His family hates me for leaving. He makes it a point to show no interest in me. He doesn't respond when I am more than friendly to him. There is no chance.
Do I feel this because he is safe?
Why???
Whatever the reason, I need to make this go away... Still, it stung. I really wanted him back last night. - Aging. Stress? Natural aging? I have no idea, but I found my first gray hair last night and I freaked the fuck out. I was pulling my hair back when I saw it. A highlight? WHAT???? I grabbed my tweezers and yanked. At the top inch of my red hair was about a 3/4 inch of silver.
Are you FUCKING kidding me?
(I ask as I sit with a headful of hair color soaking into my scalp - I was overdue....)
I think what hurts the most is hitting this milestone alone. I remember finding Brad's first gray hair. I delighted in it. I may have even blogged it. I was so thrilled to be watching the man I loved age with me.
And here I am...aging alone.
Ouch....
Frankly, I blame Jeff for all of the above.
3 comments:
Couple of comments...
The "not realizing you look different" thing is really pretty common, because we all see ourselves as whole beings, not "just a body" our physical selves may change, but we tend not to notice, even when its drastic. Others notice, especially strangers, because they don't know "the whole you", so the one change is a big one to them...
I think the Brad feelings are because you have made a conscious decision to not need or want a man in your life, and seeing him reminds you of when that wasn't so. Your wanting him back is part your heart remembering only the "good parts" of that relationship, as well as your heart remembering the less confusing time that was...
And the hair thing made me laugh, too. I started turning grey (and losing my hair) at 20, so I've had a long time to get used to it... (now I'm happy for what hair I still have, grey or not)
I think that it's a good thing that you miss being with Brad. It's a step on the progression back toward being whole after jeff. Even if nothing comes of it, it's not a bad feeling. After the numbness caused by jeff any feeling is good.
So far as your actual feelings toward Brad, I think that you're just re-experiencing some of the traits that you found attractive when you first met. Its human nature to become used to the strengths of the people around us. (It's only their weakness that we notice every day.) Now that there is some distance between you two you are seeing him in a different light. And, you know what you remember was real, which, after jeff, is something to be considered.
So what if it never goes away. Brad is probably the "safest" person that you know. He's not likely to take advantage of you so there's no danger. Relationships between human beings are complex and the one between you and Brad is especially so. The typical rules don't apply so you have to make things up as you go along. He may not be exposing himself to additional hurt; but he goes far above and beyond what a typical ex would do. At some point in the future, he may be better able to respond when you are more than friendly to him; but for now keeping his walls up is the chosen course of action.
How would you respond if he showed some interest in you? Would you accept it for what it was or would you go deeper into your shell?
That's an excellent question...you're right - it would scare the hell out of me. If Brad wer to hurt me on top of this, I really would shut down entirely.
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