Tip Toe

With my house approval, I find myself tense and tip toeing through my minutes. I am extremely tired after a difficult night.

Work last night was fun. The Tuesday night staff is my favorite shift. We're all playful and somehow the combination adds to a lot of teasing and laughing. The same people behave differently on other shifts when other people are there. One guy is a riot to work with until the girl he semi-dates is there and then he is tense and stressed and invisible.

But we had fun last night. It was still slow and I made the money I wanted to make by the skin of my teeth but still didn't make up for Sunday and Monday's slow shifts. I have 2 shifts left before Saturday morning and I need to bring in $188 dollar to make my goals. I work tonight and Friday night.

Friday night should be good for a minimum of $85. Tonight is really only good for about $65 at best. That leaves me short by $30. I am tempted to pick up a shift for tomorrow night but I really need to start my packing and I know I will be pushing complete exhaustion at that point. I'll have to see how it plays out. I'm not sure where else I can cut a corner or draw money from. I have enough right now to move according to budget but it's so close that I have to admit I am tense. A minor deviation can throw me off...

When I get like this I start to forget being tired and focus on money. I see every table sat and mentally calculate their worth to me. Ohhh, 3 people at table 82? That's at least $8 - $10. At the end of the night I am less aware of how much more money I need than what I need to be sat. If I am short $15 by 8:30 I might beg the host to get me sat another 3 or 4 person table to make it. Whatever it takes.

I need not only to have the money to move, but to be organized enough to make the move go smoothly. I have lists upon lists (ironically, Jeff would be so proud since he was a list-maker and I was always just wanting to go for it freestyle).

Speaking of Jeff.

Our civil communication continues. I have to be honest here...I know that it's not a friendship, not a renewal of love, not a rebound and not deep. I know that. I also know he still has the ability to affect me and make me think about him - but I can say that I maintain I would NEVER be with him again.

Having said that, this basic email only communication does tend to ease my feelings a lot. I am no longer hateful, angry or bitter. For some reason, this makes me feel better. I feel more peaceful. Maybe this is what will help me to move on. The bizarre thing is that when I am not spending my day hating him and wishing him dead I find that I have him on my mind less and I feel all-over better.

The song I posted last night suits to a t. I sure hope I don't break down here. The light at the end of a long, painful and difficult tunnel is within sight and I may be low on gas but I am praying I will make it and not falter on my course. My situation is just delicate enough that a stumble could alter the course.

I may not have done this with grace, even dignity or style - but damnit, I have survived this. The end is in sight...please just let me get to this finish line...

...then I can set the next goals...