You are Free

I don't have to like you. I don't have to care about you. I don't have to wish you well. I can hate you as much as I want to.

But you are free of me.

For whatever reason - stupidity, naivety, gullability - I once loved you so deeply that I thought for sure our hearts beat in time.

As you remember, I also knew you better than anyone ever had and probably better than anyone ever will.

It is that knowledge that brings me to this place.

I can let go.

I am still hurt and angry. I probably always will be. But I also learned that you're already starting to screw around on your newest victim after less than a month and a half of "commitment". I saw the new personal ad you posted for sex on your usual site. You never change. I'll bet you a million dollars that you've already made your usual "I'm horny" call to your longtime whore, Paula.

I no longer feel hurt that you threw away what we had to "love" someone else. First, what we had was never real. Only a skilled illusion you created that I believed in. It was shiny and looked perfect but it was cheap and rotten and nothing more than garbage painted with gold and covered in fake rhinestones. Second, you can never love anyone. Ever. You aren't capable of it.

And that alone is all of the justice I need.

Because I may have gotten hurt badly by loving you - but once upon a time I was happy to love you. Seeing you, hearing your voice, being with you - all of these things were precious to me. I can't look back upon our time together with anything but disgust now - you left me not a single happy memory - but I can say that as wrong as it was, I did love you and loving you made me happy.

You will never know that happiness.

You will never feel that fulfillment. That thrill. That certainty. You will always find the hole in yourself, the darkness that eats away at anything good in your life.

I still hate you. But mostly, I feel very sorry for you. In your way - with your mental illness - you are crippled as surely as if you were unable to walk, speak or feed yourself.

You will spend your entire life searching for something I found and held dear to me twice.

You are the most brilliant businessman I know, yet you will always fail because you lack focus, self-control and because you can't do well unless you feel like you are competing.

You will ultimately lose at everything because you are incapable of winning and holding onto any victory.

At best you may survive but you will never thrive.

You will continue to hurt anyone who ever trusts you professionally or personally. You will have a list of enemies that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Someday, someone will get the vengeance I only dreamed about. Some husband of a wife you fuck (Bart Blackwell, pehaps?) will find you. Some scorned woman will make her life's ambition to destroy you. Some businessman you con and cheat will take action.

Dawn is right. You are destined for death or jail.

I told you once and I will say it again for clarity...the only chance you ever had was with me and I will never be there for you again.

No one will ever know who you are and you know that I always did and loved you anyway. You will forever have to fake your way through it all.

You will never be accepted. You will live knowing that you were fully accepted only once - by me - and you punished me horribly for it.

You have created your own punishments. I have no need to waste another day wishing you were dead because you already are dead inside.

So, you are free.

But so am I. And I can live again...because to be free of you is a new lease on life and everything that you seek and wish for and don't understand - I have all of it.

So go...because every day you self-destruct just a bit more and it's been a hell of a lot of fun to watch.

You are free to be your own worst enemy.